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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

talk me down from being furious!

210 replies

furiousnana · 25/01/2025 13:31

name changed.. but at this point i don't care if anyone knows who i am, i'm that furious at the moment and need talking down. I suffer with anxiety over germs etc.

have just picked up SS's for a road trip to be informed that one of them is off work at the moment with an infectious blood infection, he's admitted that he's probably caught it by not washing his hands properly however assures me that it can only be passed on by consuming his poo!!

he has known that he has this infection for atleast 4 days, he can't remember the name of whatever it is it's called.

AIBU in a couple of things... 1. he could have told me/us before we picked him up so that I could have done my goggling and perhaps been ok with him being in the car, and 2. we are due to have his child next weekend for a sleep over, of which he's been at home with now all week.

i'm so furious right now and not really thinking straight! I have 2 grown up DD's both with serious heart conditions, and 1 is currently pregnant!

AIBU in cancelling the sleep over plans
YANBU?

OP posts:
NellieJean · 26/01/2025 18:32

If only there was an NHS Helpline you could call about something like this rather than having to rely on Mumsnet.

Familysquabbles23 · 26/01/2025 18:40

furiousnana · 25/01/2025 14:16

thank you. GC does not currently go to nursery and is not yet walking.

And even if he was, washing hands properly, unaided is a bit of a stretch at one.

Toptops · 26/01/2025 18:49

This doesn't make any sense.

KrankyKumquat · 26/01/2025 19:25

@Toptops
It is a bit bonkers and not sure why it's turned into 24hr long drama. Easy solution ''I've googled shigella, it's a communicable disease and you should be isolating. But regardless, I'm sorry but I'm cancelling little 'uns sleepover until you're all given the all-clear due to my vulnerable daughters visiting us''. If it turns out stepson is pissing about with his story, that's just tough and it'll teach him a valuable lesson about consequences. All the rest is just unnecessary complications, real or imagined.

Laurmolonlabe · 26/01/2025 20:41

Sounds like hepatitis- it only comes from contact with contaminated water, it's not infectious, he is correct- it's often transmitted by someone washing dishes that hasn't washed their hands after going to the toilet.
There is nothing to be frightened of if he is not serving you food, so yes you are overreacting by cancelling plans.

furiousnana · 26/01/2025 21:09

I've already said... he's been diagnosed with Shigella?? When he initially told us, he simply told us he had been off work for the past 4 days with a 'blood infection', yes it was contagious but only if we put dirty hands in our mouths and he said he had an appointment on Tuesday for a test to see if the anti-biotics had worked and that 6 of his colleagues were also off with it. When i asked HOW he got it, he stated he had used his bare hands to stem the flow of blood on someones arm, and that the other 6 did the same and that basically it was down to poor hand washing? Hence my post. because i genuinely didnt know what to do for the best with the information i had been given?

As the day went on, we have asked a few more questions, for example, Him and is GF were due to see his grandparents today and we asked, do they know and should they really meet up as they are old and vulnerable.

Only for the story to change, It now turns out, he says he caught it on the 12th of January, says he's had 1 clear test and needs 2 to go back to work. he says he's only been off work the past 4 days. He says that he's followed all medical advice and that his Baby has also been tested.

When we pointed out that his inital account, clearly is not the same as the updated version we have now been accused of alsorts! We should have believed him when he said he was fine and it was safe, however initially he said neither of these things! We been told he's a medical professional and would never put his family at risk..

All we want is an honest and true account of what the hell has been going on? there's been a tummy bug going round the family since christmas with no obvious cause with the exception of him and his baby were ill on christmas day when they came to visit and also on new years day! but he's adamant he didnt contract the infection until the 12th (which we also know is not true because he was not at work on this day). My husband is vulnerable, i have 2 vulnerable daughters, another GC..

But now, all they can fixate on is that we don't believe him! which is true, we don't but only because we have now had 2 versions of the same event!

We've been told in the future we have to 'trust' him and believe he is telling the truth, and we cannot question anything ever and that we are not allowed to know what happens in their private lives? I agree their private lives, are their business, but not when there's a potential notifiable infection flying about, i think we have a right to know about that!

but hey ho, now we cannot ask questions, if they tell us something we have to accept that they are telling the truth (he has a long history of lies and story telling), and thats where we are upto!

OP posts:
furiousnana · 26/01/2025 21:11

KrankyKumquat · 26/01/2025 19:25

@Toptops
It is a bit bonkers and not sure why it's turned into 24hr long drama. Easy solution ''I've googled shigella, it's a communicable disease and you should be isolating. But regardless, I'm sorry but I'm cancelling little 'uns sleepover until you're all given the all-clear due to my vulnerable daughters visiting us''. If it turns out stepson is pissing about with his story, that's just tough and it'll teach him a valuable lesson about consequences. All the rest is just unnecessary complications, real or imagined.

you are right it really should have been that simple, but they are now upset that i have googled the condition and that we are asking questions such as 'should you be isolating'.

it's now turned into this massive great big drama, we've had insults thrown at us and they have now stomped off all because we wanted to understand this infection he told us he had!

OP posts:
Nocd39 · 26/01/2025 21:12

OP how did the conversation go with your DH? Is he being supportive of you now? And what do you want re any relationship with your SS or his DC?

furiousnana · 26/01/2025 21:23

Nocd39 · 26/01/2025 21:12

OP how did the conversation go with your DH? Is he being supportive of you now? And what do you want re any relationship with your SS or his DC?

Well our relationship is now 'rocky'. He didn't really know what the condition was until he had a chance to google it, he then has his own questions. He was told the same as me.. and then when he asked questions the story changed, and changed again and again.. SS and his GF are upset that we have googled the condition and that we believe that he would put our health at risk. We believed he put our health at risk when he sat in our car and just casually told us he had a blood infection he had got from work which was contagious and was waiting until a test on tuesday to see if he was clear!

if we had been given all the information when he was with us, then we would not have been so worried, and now they can't seem to understand why we are so upset because the story has now changed and we don't know top from bottom with it all!

apparently when he initially told us, we were supposed to have taken what he said as fact! we shouldn't have asked questions and shouldn't have googled what he had!

DH is terrified of upsetting SS his GF and potentially having GC kept away from us! I just want someone for once to tell the truth! DH doesn't understand why i am so upset, now we have all the facts, there should be no further issue! we should have had all the facts from the start! ontop of that, moving forwards we have been told details and facts about their life are non of our business and that we are to take anything they tell us in the future as fact and truth! we are not allowed questions!

so yeah... its not gone well

OP posts:
furiousnana · 26/01/2025 21:37

to be honest. i think he loves telling tall tales, he's done it for as long as i've known him. the taller the tale the better, and i think on this occasion he simply got so caught up in his story, embellishing it with facts aimed to shock, that it simply came back to bite him because of the seriousness of the infection we called his bluff! and all the anger and agro is because he's been made to tell the truth... and made himself look silly... so now we must be punished!

and that swhat i think has happened. if he had simply told us the 'true' story from the off, we would not be where we are now..

OP posts:
MsVi · 26/01/2025 21:41

Stick to your guns. Don’t put your children at risk.

furiousnana · 26/01/2025 21:46

MsVi · 26/01/2025 21:41

Stick to your guns. Don’t put your children at risk.

oh im done with it all now. i've told DH, they are his kids, if he is happy for them to treat him like they do, then thats upto him. But me? i deserve more respect than that! I will not be given rules by his children on topics of conversation i can or cannot be involved in! i will not be fed lies and story after story.

i've walked away! i love my DH but i am seriosly questioning if my marriage can take much more, and i have my own children and GC to worry about! DH knows he is on his own with them now!

not my circus, not my monkeys

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 26/01/2025 21:55

@furiousnana "health care professional"???? what does he do in nhs??? did he go to uni to become the health care professional he professes to his partner that he is?

Pussycat22 · 26/01/2025 21:56

He's crackers.

furiousnana · 26/01/2025 21:58

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 26/01/2025 21:55

@furiousnana "health care professional"???? what does he do in nhs??? did he go to uni to become the health care professional he professes to his partner that he is?

he's a HCA! this is how deluded the pair are! and we know what a HCA does because my DH was one for 15 years!

and they actually used the term 'medical professional'.

OP posts:
StrikeForever · 26/01/2025 23:14

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 25/01/2025 13:35

Where on earth in the UK has he contracted Shigella?

Edited as posted in error

nocoolnamesleft · 27/01/2025 00:58

furiousnana · 26/01/2025 21:58

he's a HCA! this is how deluded the pair are! and we know what a HCA does because my DH was one for 15 years!

and they actually used the term 'medical professional'.

Edited

HCAs do a very valuable job within the NHS, and many of them are truly excellent at what they do. But "medical professional"?! Nope.

KnickerFolder · 27/01/2025 01:36

nocoolnamesleft · 27/01/2025 00:58

HCAs do a very valuable job within the NHS, and many of them are truly excellent at what they do. But "medical professional"?! Nope.

Exactly. HCAs are an essential, important part of the NHS who do an amazing and difficult job but they are not healthcare professionals as they do not have a healthcare professional qualification eg doctor, dentist, nurse, psychologist, physiotherapist, pharmacist etc He is a healthcare support worker. He doesn’t even sound like a very “professional” HCA 🙄

DearDenimEagle · 27/01/2025 06:37

furiousnana · 25/01/2025 13:45

i genuinely don't know! he works at a hospital. says hes on anti-biotics and has to have another test on tuesday? he says the only way it can be spread is if someone touches his poop and doesnt wash their hands properly? i can only go by what he's told us... i've dropped them off where they were going now, and come home to google.

i do have a habit of over-reacting and i know this which is why i need MN to be real with me

I’m puzzled. Only read this far but if you can only get it by touching his poop, how did he catch it by stemming blood?

Ozgirl76 · 27/01/2025 06:48

I haven’t read the full thread but my mum caught shigella years ago - apparently it was from lettuce that hadn’t been washed properly in a cafe. We know this as it is a notifiable disease and they traced it back to lettuce imported from Spain. So it doesn’t mean he’s some unhygienic grimbot, he could have caught it anywhere.
It made her very ill though, she was sick with it for at least two weeks and felt dreadful for another couple of weeks after that. It really took its toll.

DearDenimEagle · 27/01/2025 06:51

Reading the rest, he wasn’t diagnosed with it, if he had to look it up on google.
He’s a lying fantasist. There’s a difference between infectious and contagious, too. Handwashing is a thing for one year olds lol. Every parent should be teaching a child that from when it starts to crawl if not before, like sitting up, playing with toys..wash hands before a snack etc

whyhere · 27/01/2025 07:27

furiousnana · 26/01/2025 21:37

to be honest. i think he loves telling tall tales, he's done it for as long as i've known him. the taller the tale the better, and i think on this occasion he simply got so caught up in his story, embellishing it with facts aimed to shock, that it simply came back to bite him because of the seriousness of the infection we called his bluff! and all the anger and agro is because he's been made to tell the truth... and made himself look silly... so now we must be punished!

and that swhat i think has happened. if he had simply told us the 'true' story from the off, we would not be where we are now..

Exactly this! I think your husband needs to decide where his loyalties lie....

Feelingabitconfused · 27/01/2025 07:27

It could be Hepatitis A. All healthcare workers are vaccinated against Hep B which is blood borne. Hep A is spread by oral faecal route (can be passed via food when someone serving food hasn’t washed their hands after pooping) which is different but both affect the liver. Public Health would normally be involved and the whole family would require vaccinating against Hep A. He’s saying he’s caught it from applying pressure to a wound therefore is likely Hep B which he should be vaccinated against. Is that right? There are no antibiotics because Hepatitus is a virus, but he could be on antivirals. Can he show you the box of medicine he has been prescribed? And then google search to work out what his medication is for. I’m presuming he’s off work? You could say to him that the whole family need vaccinating as a precaution, which you will do if you’re at risk of Hep A … see how he reacts? You don’t want to get Hepatitis, very nasty, so it might be worth getting advice from Public Health or your GP if it turns out he is telling the - confused - truth.

I can’t decide what I want for you tbh - a joke taken too far / impacts your relationship or potentially at risk of Hepatitis. Neither are great. 🌸

DearDenimEagle · 27/01/2025 08:06

I’d go to his work. Ask what’s going on. Tell what he said and ask about the other 6 how they are and ask what safety precautions do you really need to take.

Politygal · 27/01/2025 10:59

A consultant in a meeting told us that if people knew that they often carry shigella they'd be a bit more attentive to personal hygiene!

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