Daughter very demanding of me

[Beebeedoo]

Hi
Changed username as feel a bit odd writing this. My daughter is almost 20 and so demanding of me, examples as want to see if this is unsual, background at uni but comes home every weekend and has long summer holidays from uni. Is this normal????

• Follows me around the house
• as soon as she wakes up messages me asking what am i doing
• when i go to a friend or my mother for a coffee she is constantly messaging me asking when i am home
• says 'entertain me' a lot
• seems to want to hang around me all the time, i want some time but not 24 7!
• has friends but rarely sees them
• wants me and her to go to all these places for lunch and shopping and its really nice but im struggling to afford it every week a nd my savings now v low

I just feel its all too much, when she is home i feel im on edge and snappy with her when she is at uni in the week i am relaxed.
My husband did tell her to stop constantly messaging me when im out with a friend as it makes me feel under pressure to rush home and she didnt do it last time, which was much better.

What can i do about this as im so miserable, want to enjoy mother daughter time but i feel i cant handle this, i sit in laybys and cry as i also feel a bad mum for my feelings.

Bless you. You’re not a bad mum, this is not usual. Is she neurodiverse?

I would cry too - that’s far too much.

thanks x
no nd diagnosis but was also a v demanding child and would not leave my side

Could it be that she feels she needs more of a connection with you? Maybe plan or suggest some activities that involve interaction and engagement with one another, but then let her know that you need X time to yourself and if you go out tell her you don't know when you'll be back but that she can probably survive a short time without her.

Or you can ask her what's going on, why, if she does have friends, she is not spending much time with them.

Either way it's not unreasonable to have time and space to yourself. I'd certainly not put up with "entertain me" personally.

Yes, the “entertain me” would actually infuriate me tbh. What am I, a clown?

Has she always been like this? No ways of keeping herself busy?

yes always, even as a child wanted me to watch everything she was doing, she is lovely too but im struggling as thought past a certain age would be better, maybe autistic?

This sounds unusual. Can she get a job? That would get her her own money for this ‘entertainment’ she demands and also get her out the house of a weekend. When does she do her uni work? That should also be a demand on her time of a weekend.

I would have to chat with her about it. You can’t go through life hanging onto others for entertainment. Maybe if you talk it out you’ll get some reasons you can work with.

yes has a job in the holidays so that eases the pressure from me a bit

That’s far too much. Neither of mine do anything like that. About as far as it goes is mine asking when tea is ready.

But you need to find your voice. Tell her that she has to make her own entertainment. If she doesn’t grow up, quite frankly, she’s going expect her future partner to pander to her every whim.

Does she have anxiety? Needing to know where you are All the time might be a way she is trying to reassure herself?

how is she coping at uni? other areas she struggles with? Definitely not normal. I have a teen with ASD who is similar but they also have a host of other issues. Does she not have friends?

I think you need to be stricter too. Not going out for shopping/meals if that is too expensive for you. Mute notifications from her when you are out or turn the phone off. What happens if you don't give in? Sometimes we need to put firm boundaries in place.

My son is similar but he's 12. Honestly I went to the shops earlier (alone) just to get some space! And then he messaged and phoned me twice. Don't get me wrong. I adore him and love how close we are but I do need space now and then.
I'm not sure what's normal and what's not. My friend's DD has just started uni and still comes home every weekend. She doesn't seem to have or want friends and she dies everything with her mum. Another friend has a daughter who's 17 and has always suffered from anxiety. She us glued t9 her mother's side. Every time her mum sees a friend, the daughter tags along!
Does your DD suffer from anxiety?
I do think there are lots of older kids like this. I'm afraid I don't know what the solution is.

I would stop replying so quickly. Sometimes I put my phone on
silent and sit and read for an hpur
or so.

Sounds similar to my DD16 who is autistic and has some other mental health issues. I also get "entertain me" and it makes me want to scream!

You're not a bad mum for wanting some space from it, our kids aren't supposed to be this clingy as teens/young adults, but it does maybe suggest that everything is not ok with her - worth looking in to how she's coping at uni/with flatmates etc.

My friend's son does this - phones him all the time at work. He is 17 and autistic.

That said I think current 19 year olds had odd mid teens with COVID and spent a lot of time at home instead of doing what I was doing when I was 15 - I was never in.

How is she coping at uni? As generally the first time away from parents for any length of time it can be very telling if she is feeling settled or not as to her state of mind and wellbeing. Does she have much of a social life there or does she live for the holidays when she can go back home?

Not normal. Is she ND?
If she’s coming home every weekend then are you sure that she has friends? My dd is at uni and I’d be very concerned if she returned so often.
My dd has lived with her share of annoying people eg one person always leaves their food in the oven then forgets to take it out so it burns and smells awful and makes a mess but being at uni means seeing her friends/boyfriends easily which is the payoff.
Her main source of entertainment has been friends, Spotify and the internet since secondary school tbh

been there 1 yr all ok

Normal at this age is to talk to you when they need money. I'd start ignoring her now and then, it's not healthy.

Could you be away for a couple of weekends?
I hear you re the lunches & shopping, it starts off as a nice activity (as my own dd can take the mick) but it should only be an occasional treat.
It might help you to be busier & she certainly needs to learn you aren't going to provide entertainment for evermore.
I think you need a set of new rules now she's at uni. Putting boundaries in place doesn't make you a bad mum, it means you're a great mum as you're providing her with more opportunities to find her own way in the world. She's at uni & has a job so she's shown she is capable.
Start small changes now or you'll always be entertainment & probably entertaining dgc forever later in life.

ADHD, with the constant sensory seeking from you in particular?

During Covid we spent more time with teen dd... Her plate =food not touching at all. Suspected ASD. No diagnosis as such but def sounds like your dd. She is now 19...multiple texts daily and very needy. Despite having a bf and mates... Something to consider op.

This is definitely unusual. You must have the patience of a saint because if my son was constantly following me around and messaging me or saying entertain me, I’d have flipped my lid.

You need to break the cycle. If she messages, so what? You don’t have to reply or just respond to occasional ones and only when it suits you. When she says entertain me, say she can entertain herself, she’s an adult. You’re just perpetuating the problem by pandering to the constant requests. You’d be doing her a massive favour too because this isn’t healthy.

I haven't read the replies ..but if you pop to your GP and ask for the Right-To-Choose option for a an autism / adhd assessment. It's a lot quicker than waiting the normal route.

She sound neurodivergent but of course I can only go for a small snippet of writing.

Google masking and see if that's your daughter in Uni.

It may help her if she is to understand herself and also understand the pressure she puts you under.

Maybe Google together a hobbies for her where she can meet peers for a home life.

It sounds like you are describing a precocious 6 year old, not a grown woman. Sounds very immature.