Daughter very demanding of me

[Beebeedoo]

Hi
Changed username as feel a bit odd writing this. My daughter is almost 20 and so demanding of me, examples as want to see if this is unsual, background at uni but comes home every weekend and has long summer holidays from uni. Is this normal????

• Follows me around the house
• as soon as she wakes up messages me asking what am i doing
• when i go to a friend or my mother for a coffee she is constantly messaging me asking when i am home
• says 'entertain me' a lot
• seems to want to hang around me all the time, i want some time but not 24 7!
• has friends but rarely sees them
• wants me and her to go to all these places for lunch and shopping and its really nice but im struggling to afford it every week a nd my savings now v low

I just feel its all too much, when she is home i feel im on edge and snappy with her when she is at uni in the week i am relaxed.
My husband did tell her to stop constantly messaging me when im out with a friend as it makes me feel under pressure to rush home and she didnt do it last time, which was much better.

What can i do about this as im so miserable, want to enjoy mother daughter time but i feel i cant handle this, i sit in laybys and cry as i also feel a bad mum for my feelings.

Where are her friends? Both uni friends and old home friends.

Definitely doesn't sound normal. I thought you'd written the age wrong until I read she went to uni.

In the least rude way, this is how my 5 year old acts. Definitely sounds like there's something going on.

I can't even imagine how hard that must've been for you for the last 20 years.

Sounds like anxiety. This often gets worse as we/they get older, as the time between the present and the inevitable death of the parent is reducing.

It does seem a lot. For me three things stand out:

• You don't have to take her out for lunch and buy her things all the time - maybe occasionally for a treat. It's fine to say that you're short of money and can't afford it.
• If she texts you while you're at a friend's you don't have to reply; in fact you can switch your phone off for a couple of hours, having warned that you are going to be doing that because your friend needs to talk uninterrupted.
• If she is autistic or ND, she will appreciate things being made really clear. Don't hope that she will take hints. Be kind, eg say 'Darling, I need to concentrate on this bit of work I've brought home/ baking / newspaper for a bit, do you mind not talking to me for the next half hour?'

Can you encourage her to stay at Uni some weekends?

sems unusual that she’s been there a year and doesn’t have uni friends/ flatmates she wants to go out with at the weekend. Have you asked her about the social side of uni? Is she uncomfortable where she lives during the week?

How sure are you that she's OK at uni? Does she have friends there? Are they in touch in the holidays, if so? Does she have any friends at work?

It sounds as though she did what she was told when your husband told her to leave you alone, which is a good sign.

One of my daughters is like this and she’s autistic. I have to tell her to stop being like “Kitty from Ghosts “ and following me around all the time. She gets it and will stop. You need to stand up to your daughter.

Sounds exhausting for you!

I agree with those who suggest looking into an ND assessment.

Also, look into what welfare support is available at Uni and whether a weekly chat with a mentor-type figure is possible, so that she can offload with someone that isn't you.

It sounds like this is how she copes with her underlying anxiety and needs help to find other/additional coping mechanisms. If she is ND, do bear in mind that her emotional age will be much lower than her chronological age.

If uni is “going ok” why is she coming home every weekend? If it was that ok she’d be wanting to hang out with her friends, take part in uni clubs and even do studying! This really isn’t normal.

I couldn’t have coped with that past about 12! Does she phone you constantly when she’s at uni?

I have two DCs at uni and that is not 'normal' behaviour from them. They both have MH issues and are probably neurodiverse although neither has bothered to get a proper assessment yet.
They definitely are not clingy like your DD and they both live away at uni all term.
They like a bit of mum attention when they're here, but nothing like you describe.
Has your DD always been like this or has it got worse since at uni? Are there any issues with friendships or living space at uni?

My son is the same, he’s 16. When I’m at work he’ll message me constantly, I’ll reply but if I say “works fine but busy! Have a good day at college, see you tonight xx” (or something along those lines) and he then sees me online on WhatsApp or Facebook (both of which I am in charge of my works social media so am often working on there) he’ll then message me saying I thought you were busy, why don’t you want to talk to me etc. I have had endless conversations about respecting privacy, that that is borderline stalking and even if I was scrolling Facebook at my own leisure I AM ALLOWED TO DO THAT. He doesn’t own all my free time and even if I don’t feel like it talking when I’m on my lunch, that doesn’t mean I don’t love him. But it hasn’t worked and he’s now in therapy which is helping. He’s got better but still follows me around at home. He’s has adhd but I don’t know how that affects this.

No advice but just wanted you to know you’re not alone. I have two other teens who are not like him at all.

For her own good youvneed to set boundaries. This isn't good for her or you.

That's jolly! I hope I don't pop off for another 30 years or so - DC will be the age I am now.

I agree that this does possibly sound undiagnosed ND, or some sort of MH condition. Does she have a father (is dh her dad)/siblings? Are you her only family?
It isn't usual imo.

That would drive me around the bend if she were 10, let alone 20. Just don’t answer her. Encourage her to stay at university and do some student-ing, otherwise she’ll never move out.

This is a perfect cumulative escalating storm as this current dynamic has you feeling "miserable, snappy, on edge, under pressure" which she senses and therefore feels more insecure of her attachment to you - so she ups the ante od trying to attach to you - but you just become more resentful and the cycle spirals.

Communication, boundaries, reassurance and consequences are important here. You seem to be poor at implementing all of the above and are inadvertently making her more anxious/dependent and craeting a rod for your own back.

She needs to experience managing her own entertainment and social life - so that she becomes proficient and confident at it. She will need some support and guidance from you to be able to achieve this. If there is an undiagnosed ND then consider that socially she is maybe 4 years 'behind' but keep nudging her to independence. I would agreed with others what is she doing socially at college M-F? Are there home friends/old school friends around that she could be encouraged to reconnect with? She is also being very impulsive and demanding and you are responding in a very reactive and impulsive way as well.

She needs to learn that these are inappropriate behaviours for her future relationships and friendships:

Follows me around the house - communicate that this is uncomfortable for you, tell her to stop and that you will come to speak to her in an hour.

as soon as she wakes up messages me asking what am i doing - communicate that you will be turning your phone off at night and tell her to stop. Tell her you can share plans over breakfast at 10am.

when i go to a friend or my mother for a coffee she is constantly messaging me asking when i am home - communicate that you will be turning your phone off when out and tell her to stop. Tell her you will be home by 2am.

says 'entertain me' a lot - create a boundary - say you will spend Sunday mornings together (for instance) and alternate weeks each of you chooses the no cost activity.

seems to want to hang around me all the time, i want some time but not 24 7! - as above

has friends but rarely sees them - communicate - explore this with her and encourage her to make plans / get involved with them.

wants me and her to go to all these places for lunch and shopping and its really nice but im struggling to afford it every week a nd my savings now v low - communicate and create a boundary - say you will spend Sunday mornings together (for instance) and alternate weeks each of you chooses the no cost activity. Encourage her to get a job. Tell her she is an adult and can now pay for her own treats.

I voted YABU because it’s unreasonable to come and ask mumsnet rather than explore the expectations of your relationship with your daughter. There could be some underlying mental health or neuro developmental reason for this or she may have experienced a trauma you are unaware of. Her behaviour is not typical of a 20 year old as you know so look at why and help her to gain some independence from you without this resentment growing further. It would be unkind not to.

@Jumpingoffthefence Do you understand the purpose of a forum?

Mumsnet is literally a site for exchanging information and asking for help. The OP knows this isn’t normal and wants to understand the situation better so she can help her DD and cope herself. @AssHats has given some really detailed and thoughtful suggestions and hopefully after reading the thread @Beebeedoo might be able to move her DD along and into a less anxious and dependent state.

It seems really controlling. It reminds me of my niece who has mild ASD. Also my friend’s dd who has anxiety. I think I’d explain the impact it has on you and set some boundary rules. Also set some targets in arranging activities with friends. My niece stands next to her dm until she comes off the phone.

This is absolutely anecdotal. I have a young colleague like this at work. She has bpd/ eupd. Lots of neediness, clinginess, doesn't acknowledge when they are crossing boundaries

That’s made me laugh out loud! One of my ASD’ers was like Mary - daft as a brush, and “I promise to not watch your husband on the privvy” was exactly his idea of boundaries!

(also “several of cubs”!)

You must be much much tougher. Your daughter will never be able to be independent or stand on her own two feet if you constantly bend to her requests.

Being so clingy is unnatural, detrimental to both her and you and - frankly - a little weird. She should be out doing things, making friends etc - joining a gym, going to an art class, doing some sport, getting a part time job - there is so much she could and should be doing on her ow

My sister is autistic and she was like your daughter, with our mother. Unfortunately, what my sister sought was not humanly possible to give. Obviously everyone is different, but in my sister's case, she suddenly turned against my mother and went NC because she said her mother had not looked after her properly. Whatever you do will never be enough, OP, but I guess you know that already.