Daughter very demanding of me

[Beebeedoo]

Hi
Changed username as feel a bit odd writing this. My daughter is almost 20 and so demanding of me, examples as want to see if this is unsual, background at uni but comes home every weekend and has long summer holidays from uni. Is this normal????

• Follows me around the house
• as soon as she wakes up messages me asking what am i doing
• when i go to a friend or my mother for a coffee she is constantly messaging me asking when i am home
• says 'entertain me' a lot
• seems to want to hang around me all the time, i want some time but not 24 7!
• has friends but rarely sees them
• wants me and her to go to all these places for lunch and shopping and its really nice but im struggling to afford it every week a nd my savings now v low

I just feel its all too much, when she is home i feel im on edge and snappy with her when she is at uni in the week i am relaxed.
My husband did tell her to stop constantly messaging me when im out with a friend as it makes me feel under pressure to rush home and she didnt do it last time, which was much better.

What can i do about this as im so miserable, want to enjoy mother daughter time but i feel i cant handle this, i sit in laybys and cry as i also feel a bad mum for my feelings.

Next time she is demanding your attention and says 'What am I meant to do for an hour?' or whatever when you are busy, hand her a nice long list of household chores she can do while she waits for you.

You're babying her rather than forcing her to deal with her issue through therapy of some kind. That's fine if that's what you want to do, but the downside is that you're still Mummy in all other respects too, such as entertaining her.

Are you both feeding off on this "anxiety" ? Encourage her to train or bus it, meet her at the station.. baby steps but honestly this is doing no favours for her

Kindly, you sound very enmeshed.

Why are you pandering to her in this way?
“What am I supposed to do for an hour?” How about “I really don’t care! You’re an adult! Sod off!”

has friends , for example home now and a friend wanted to meet up, she usually cancels though as cant be bothered, then gets bored and comes to me to take her out in the car or entertain

Anxiety is a handy way that your daughter gets to control things. Control you.

thats what i wanted to say!

Tell her no.

There you go, sorted that for you.

"Anxiety" is the ultimate Get out Of Everything Card with that generation now... it's infuriating

So why didn’t you? Genuinely? What might have happened?

my husband will say 'oh go on take her out for a country drive' when i just sat down in my pjs and a glass of wine.

Travelling on public transport is part of being an adult, cut the apron strings

next time im saying it!

anxiety and maybe autistic issues though?

Ahhh plot twist.

And the husband - why can’t he sod off as well? OP what is actually going on here?

Great so he's part of the problem

he agrees with me that she is a bit much but then he says stuff like that!

You need to sit her down and talk to her about this. It doesn’t sound very healthy to me.
But you are enabling her behaviour. Why don’t you say no to her and tell her to go and amuse herself or see the friends she cancels on.
You don’t like her behaviour but she is a product of her upbringing as well as any ND going on.

yep i realised today when i was crying after subway getting my sandwich wrong that something has to change

I hear you - mother of a teenage ASD daughter. Does she some times ‘talk at’, rather than ‘talk to’ you, quite often when you are feeling very tired and the signals aren’t being received? Like others have said, if there is an ND issue, being direct is more helpful sometimes and laying down clear boundaries. One of mine is that I can’t take calls during my working day unless it’s an emergency (teacher) and I often don’t have time to check my phone all day. Also, I do set aside and ‘book’ time-slots for discussions in the evening, as I commute, need some alone-time and have work to do at night.

So why didn’t you? You are the Adult?

Oh OP. It’s too hard when your husband is throwing you under the bus like this. He is being incredibly unfair, and boundaries need to be drawn with him too - so you’re singing off the same hymn sheet. Didn’t he realise how awful it is?

I am inclined to think you didn't set boundaries when she younger. She accustomed to you meeting her every need - this isn't healthy.

yes probably messed up as a mum when she was younger i agree x

You really do need to help yourself, and guess what - you're allowed to! You have everyone here's full permission to tell your husband to get off his ass and take her out for a drive HIMSELF if that's what she wants!!! You have permission to say "no, that doesn't suit me" and "go away, I have things I need to get done and you're stopping me from concentrating" and "entertain yourself, for Pete's sake!!!"

Honestly, I think you've got yourself trapped by allowing her to have "anxiety" without any resolution or even any attempt at resolution. Resilience is learned through experience. You sound like you're as resistant to "feeling the fear and doing it anyway" as your daughter is. That's a spiral that's only going one way - sobbing in sandwich shops because they used the wrong bloody cheese.