Daughter very demanding of me

[Beebeedoo]

Hi
Changed username as feel a bit odd writing this. My daughter is almost 20 and so demanding of me, examples as want to see if this is unsual, background at uni but comes home every weekend and has long summer holidays from uni. Is this normal????

• Follows me around the house
• as soon as she wakes up messages me asking what am i doing
• when i go to a friend or my mother for a coffee she is constantly messaging me asking when i am home
• says 'entertain me' a lot
• seems to want to hang around me all the time, i want some time but not 24 7!
• has friends but rarely sees them
• wants me and her to go to all these places for lunch and shopping and its really nice but im struggling to afford it every week a nd my savings now v low

I just feel its all too much, when she is home i feel im on edge and snappy with her when she is at uni in the week i am relaxed.
My husband did tell her to stop constantly messaging me when im out with a friend as it makes me feel under pressure to rush home and she didnt do it last time, which was much better.

What can i do about this as im so miserable, want to enjoy mother daughter time but i feel i cant handle this, i sit in laybys and cry as i also feel a bad mum for my feelings.

My daughter is exactly the same. She’s 14 in a couple of weeks and is autistic.
it’s frustrating as hell. I love her so much but sometimes need space. She was not like this as a baby, quite the opposite in fact. You need to set boundaries with her, that’s what I’ve done and it’s helped massively.

This would drive me mad. Does she not want to socialise with her friends at Uni? I find it odd when students want to come home every weekend & be with their parents. She needs to build her own life now. You need to be tough with her.

You are describing my friend's daughter.

Undiagnosed with anything, but husband and siblings are autistic. Friend isn't sure if it is an autistic trait or a learned behaviour.

My DS is autistic, and he was very clingy, although at 22 he has outgrown that.

I am trying to recall what I did. He was a young 13/14 at the time. I probably communicated with him first - so I would message him to say "arrived at Costa, got a hot chocolate. I will message you when I am on my way back".

As she is 19 and at uni, and capable of sorting herself out during the week, you need to lay down some boundaries.

Our dd (19) has always been very dependent on me and has struggled with anxiety for most of her life and I was her safety.
She has always had a lot of friends but liked doing things with me .
She started uni in September and to start with liked to come home regularly but now has settled really well,made lovely close friends and is very happy and independent- doing things I could only have dreamed of her doing alone a few months back so subsequently I'm happy and incredibly relieved and proud of her.
Does she not have close friends locally or at uni to be with and it sounds like she has confidence issues that maybe are masked as you do so much for her.
I'm not saying it's intentional but why does she have so much power over you - tell her not to message when you are out and if she does ignore her .

Doesn’t seem normal. Is she afraid of losing you? Anxious? Some sort of special needs? Any traumas?

You need to step up!

I message DD and say - I’m meeting X at 3 and won’t be available til I get home, can you make sure - whatever - the dogs had a wee, the heat is on, you clean your room - give her something else to focus on.

Then do the same at home, I’d like to read my book for an hour - can you please do XYZ?

You don’t have to go out for coffee - why not say I’ll give you £10 and you can go with a friend -

Slowly unfurl the fingers -

I could write most of this about my daughter too. It can be draining!! She isn't quite as intense as your daughter but certainly has a lot of similarities. She works when she's home from uni but is training to do the same job as me and works within the same field so always wants to talk to me about work when sometimes I just want to chill and not think about it. I have long thought she could be neurodivergent in some way and she agrees (we also both work in the SEND field) I just hope she will eventually grow out of it but she's almost 22! Never had a boyfriend or partner, does have some good friends but doesn't spend huge amounts of time with them, they are quite similar to her!

To add, she's at Uni a long way away so only comes home in holidays and has good friends at uni who I have met, she's on course for a first in her degree (3rd year) I was a single parent to her for a long time so we do have a really close bond but it feels above and beyond that.

OP, why does she come home every weekend? Can you slowly impose the expectation that she stays at uni and visits home 'occasionally'? Mine, both at uni and not very near, have to budget their travel costs from their total budget; repeated trips home would cripple them (and they know that they would be left to do their own laundry, cook for themselves, transport themselves etc, just as if they were at uni - Dh and I have lives too!). I think you need to start setting some expectations.

She sounds like my son, he's 17 and recently diagnosed as Autistic x

Coming home from Uni every weekend is weird (and lazy). She’s sabotaging herself by not being part of the uni community. The weekends should be spent with friends shopping, having coffee, watching films, drinking, laughing, going out, etc not with your mum!

TBH, she sounds like she doesn’t have any friends. Without meaning to be unkind, maybe her attitude is part of the reason why. Is she demanding and bossy with her housemates and coursemates?

I think you should reduce the number of weekends she spends at home. Start with making it every other week and think of excuses why she can’t come home that weekend (visitors, you’re going away, etc etc).

If one of my DC said “Entertain me” to me, they’d get an abrupt reply. Don’t give in to her. Say No, I’m busy, then stick to it. Delay replying to her texts and keep your replies very brief. Do include some planned activities with her when she’s home, then you can refer to them: “Entertain me, Mum!”, “No, I’m busy. We’re going out later to have coffee. You’ll have to occupy yourself until then”.

Why is everything ‘must be ND’?? I have two DC with ASD and neither of them does this. She sounds spoilt and immature. People can struggle with things and still be NT. If she is struggling to make friends at uni, then support her with that, but the more she relies on you, the harder it will get.

Not helpful

My 21 year old is like this. She has asd and anxiety and has always been the clingon child. She struggles to understand me needing personal space so I set really clear boundaries eg
I'm doing xyz until x o clock then I will spend time with you.

I don't suggest she does stuff I have to literally tell her to do stuff so she isn't with me all the time.

She has a full time job and a handful of good friends and a long term boyfriend but social anxiety means she hates going out to pubs and hates the idea of night clubs.

I do go out but she needs to know where I am and what time I will be home. She does track me but it's more for reassurance as she panics something is going to happen to me.

I have just learned to accept the clinginess as part of who she is - she has always been like it probably always will and I suspect when she eventually does leave home she will be in walking distance and popping in every day. Actually I don't suspect I know it will happen as she has already told me!

Completely agree.

It doesn't matter whether she is ND or not - she has her own behaviours and challenges (as does every human, with or without diagnosis) and they need approaching in the appropriate individualised way. A diagnosis should be seen as a description, not a box or limit, or worse, an excuse. Kids (and adults!) with immature or unwanted behaviours need them careful help in overcoming them, whatever the underlying 'cause', for their own future good.

Has she reverted to being a child back in her childhood home? You the parent, and she just slips back to you being the one that makes things happen?

Interesting that she listened to her dad, maybe a few more comments from him to back you up and reinforce she is a grown up @Beebeedoo ?

Leave her a list of household chores to finish or a shopping list?

She may be in need of a distraction in the form of a boyfriend. (I know they can't be rustled up on command!) Some of the intensity of that sort of relationship has possibly been transferred onto her relationship with you for the time being.

In any case, I think you have every right to let her know, in the nicest possible way, that you don't have the funds for all these outings. Mobile phone communication is a blessing and a curse at the same time. It doesn't seem entirely natural to always be available.

Can’t really give advice as I have no experience of this sort of childish behaviour. Would have drive me insane months ago. Just solidarity for OP - she isn’t being unreasonable in feeling crap about it.

This would drive me bananas but she does sound very anxious. You don't need to change, but she does. How that's done....?? Yoga? Therapy? A job?

The anxiety seems to ramp up when you're away from her, yet she's okay when she's away from you, yes? She doesn't message you every 15 mins when she's busy herself.

So you need to go away from her more often and really lay down a boundary that she is NOT to pursue you when you're on YOUR break. She also needs to be kept busy, clearly. When she's busy, she's not able to think of what you're doing without her. She's in need of distraction. The fact that she's in her 20s and not able to do that for herself is probably indicative that there's a bit more going on than just boredom. Most 20 year olds would fill their time with ease. Why can't she?

thanks some very interesting replies, for example i had to do some work at home this morning and she wanted to go out shopping with me, i said give me an hour, and she says ' what am I meant to do for a n hour?' then sits opposite me waiting as i work.
I dont know if autistic, she thinks she is maybe first step is a GP appt ?

She seems to like uni, its not far from home and I collect her by car and return her every weekend, maybe some weekends i shouldnt

She messages me loads on whats app when at uni and tried to video call me thurs eve admitedly i ignored it as was trying to have some me time

Stop collecting her by car!!! She can do what all students do and get buses or trains. She's an adult, for goodness sake! You're babying her.

she says she gets too anxious getting the train

@Beebeedoo

why is she coming home every weekend?! That’s absolutely not typical. Encourage her to stay for some weekends so she can better develop her social life and friendships. And for goodness sake, stop picking her up!!

So she stays at Uni then, doesn't she?

I think she's right to question if she's got SEN, and it would be useful for her to know, but no matter what diagnosis she gets, the best she'll ever have in life is accommodations to help her, up to a point. The world won't change - she has to learn to cope with it. With a diagnosis, there's perhaps a way of finding out the best way for HOW she can learn, but she will have to learn.
Bank managers won't give a toss about "my anxiety" as she misses yet another mortgage repayment. She'll just have her home repossessed. Bosses won't collect her to get her into work on time. She'll just get fired.

What "partner" if she continues like this?

i was worried as trains make her highly anxious