Daughter very demanding of me

[Beebeedoo]

Hi
Changed username as feel a bit odd writing this. My daughter is almost 20 and so demanding of me, examples as want to see if this is unsual, background at uni but comes home every weekend and has long summer holidays from uni. Is this normal????

• Follows me around the house
• as soon as she wakes up messages me asking what am i doing
• when i go to a friend or my mother for a coffee she is constantly messaging me asking when i am home
• says 'entertain me' a lot
• seems to want to hang around me all the time, i want some time but not 24 7!
• has friends but rarely sees them
• wants me and her to go to all these places for lunch and shopping and its really nice but im struggling to afford it every week a nd my savings now v low

I just feel its all too much, when she is home i feel im on edge and snappy with her when she is at uni in the week i am relaxed.
My husband did tell her to stop constantly messaging me when im out with a friend as it makes me feel under pressure to rush home and she didnt do it last time, which was much better.

What can i do about this as im so miserable, want to enjoy mother daughter time but i feel i cant handle this, i sit in laybys and cry as i also feel a bad mum for my feelings.

Same as my Autistic 16 year old DD, she’s always had terrible separation anxiety but at times of heightened anxiety it’s terrible. She tells me she loves me a 100 times a day and wants hugs constantly and tells me I’m her best friend. I know I should be so grateful having such a loving daughter but it really can be intense at times. I’m like her emotional support creature! She also has OCD which is linked to a fear of people she loves dying. It’s completely exhausting, I feel for you.

talk to her like an adult. after all she is one and hast to live her own life

q1. was she like this before going to uni?
q2. have you asked if she has suffered some traume (bullying, molestation etc etc at uni)?

My son is the same, he's 17 and recently diagnosed as austistic, he is involved in everything we do, constantly wants to be with us, which we don't mind as he hasn't many friends, he rings us with every decision he has to make, it's hard for me hearing everyone saying the girl is selfish, she's obviously struggling and feels secure with her mam, unless you have a child like tbat you will never understand.

My 13y old a bit like this.
She's autistic, suspected PDA profile.
Doesn't cope well with demands made of her but will make demands of me all day long.
It's usually to being her things like food or drink, or help her do something (find a lost item, straighten her duvet) rather than to be entertained but it's like she thinks I'm there just for her needs 24/7 amd it's exhausting at times!

Plenty of autistic people have to use public transport. And she won’t get over the anxiety unless she faces it. How about you get the train together a few times and then start to do it less and less?

Why doesn’t he take her out for a drive then? Why does it always have to be you?

This, OP! He shouldn’t be volunteering you and your time. He can get off his arse if he thinks it’s necessary @Beebeedoo

wtf? of couse they want to be around her, how odd

he cant drive

thanks so much i needed that xx

like this from toddler

Glad to see you’re back. Have you tackled this with either your husband or your daughter?

yes and we have made progress :)

I didn’t know clinginess is part of the autistic profile. I am wondering why? Do they feel unsafe?

No idea, it's more that he involves us in every decision he has to make, counsellor said no shoe fits all, I just wonder maybe if the daughter is the same and hasn't been diagnosed...I'm hoping you're not being rude and asking a genuine question, on this site I can' never be too sure 😊

It’s completely a genuine question as my dd does this. She is 19 and I know her every move! She hasn’t been diagnosed. Currently at uni and I know every last detail of her life, I can’t work out if this is how teens are or another reason. She likes routine and doesn’t like change, she gets very stressed.

I find when she is home she wants to be with one of us all of the time.

My son was only diagnosed last year, for those reasons I brought him to be assessed, I was overly surprised when they told me at least I know and I try to give him coping mechanisms and not get too annoyed, its difficult sometimes, he is very sociable but mainly with older adults, struggles with kids his own age , hope this helps x

gosh this is exactly the same as my dd, really thinking she is autistic more and more now

I thought it was just me getting old and needing personal space but now I’m not so sure. She does see her friends (when pushed) but she is quite happy to stay by my side all day every day. I try to be glad that she loves me and want to spend time with me still, but I can find it too much. I can’t be ‘on’ 247. She seems to expect me to keep the conversation going too, and will wonder why I have stopped ( I am bloody tired that’s why)

It seems to have become worse since she left for uni. It’s like she can’t stand her own company.
I am encouraging her now to read, she likes the painting by numbers, so I have those ready!! I am planning on solo gym visits and will try to organise a daily time slot when we do things together in the holidays - and the rest of the time she will need to start to entertain herself. Developing that skill now seems imperative to me for her own sake.

She used to be quite independent and happy in her own company so I don’t understand the change.

I am not a professional but I do know a child psychologist and my daughter is autistic.
She is not clingy as described BUT would definitely let me be her slave if given half a chance.
She is well able to look after herself BUT would have me drive her everywhere as she doesn't like the noisy bus etc.

I have a tendency to do too much and spoil my children.

In casual conversation with my friend I mentioned this and she said that the more you do for her, the less she develops the tolerance to do stuff she doesn't like for herself.
She said I wasn't doing her any favour and needed to drop the rope.
She needs to meet her own needs.
So I stopped the lifts to school unless its raining or I can see she is very tired.

I think you mums have to protect yourselves AND them by being firm that they don't get to dictate your time and space.
They don't get to be in your space whenever THEY choose.

How will they learn consideration for others if they never learnt it from you.

So many women on MN end up with seriously selfish ND men that couldn't give a damn about anyone except themselves.

One beauty expects to talk AT his wife for hours at a time about a subject he is obsessed with and she has no interest in.

Speaking for myself, I want my child to fit in with the world as much as possible and shielding her from bus rides she doesn't like, and stress is not doing her any favours.

You need to spell out that No I need my space and time, entertain yourself, and mean it.

Before Christmas my child had a pressure selling Christmas job fall into her lap, excellent money that she took.
It was huge pressure dealing with a very busy stall selling stuff, very stressful.

She really nailed it despite it being very stressful busy long hours on the weekend.

She feels it has given her huge confidence in looking for other summer jobs.

Stress is part of life and managing it is a part of it.
We won't always be here for them so it really is a life skill that they need to try and learn to manage.

Loving them so much as we do, does sometimes mean we need to be tough on them and throw them out of the nest so they can learn to fly.

If you can afford it, finding a good counsellor that deals with young adult anxiety and transition to university etc., could be great.

What about counselling services at their university.....could they look for counselling there?

can i message you !

Family-wise or medically?