Daughter very demanding of me

[Beebeedoo]

Hi
Changed username as feel a bit odd writing this. My daughter is almost 20 and so demanding of me, examples as want to see if this is unsual, background at uni but comes home every weekend and has long summer holidays from uni. Is this normal????

• Follows me around the house
• as soon as she wakes up messages me asking what am i doing
• when i go to a friend or my mother for a coffee she is constantly messaging me asking when i am home
• says 'entertain me' a lot
• seems to want to hang around me all the time, i want some time but not 24 7!
• has friends but rarely sees them
• wants me and her to go to all these places for lunch and shopping and its really nice but im struggling to afford it every week a nd my savings now v low

I just feel its all too much, when she is home i feel im on edge and snappy with her when she is at uni in the week i am relaxed.
My husband did tell her to stop constantly messaging me when im out with a friend as it makes me feel under pressure to rush home and she didnt do it last time, which was much better.

What can i do about this as im so miserable, want to enjoy mother daughter time but i feel i cant handle this, i sit in laybys and cry as i also feel a bad mum for my feelings.

I'm sure you have your own problems, OP is looking for advice, not being told her daughter is childish, she knows all this already.

Honestly you are creating the problem here. Its your job to nudge her into independence where she will ultimately be happiest.

If she can survive / live independently at uni M-F - she can get the train.

She needs to be supported and guided on how to manage her social life. Sit down and explore this and then put an action plan together with her.

Approach with sensitivity and compassion (the carrot not the stick) .... but the end goal is exactly the same.

You both need to be brave. There is no courage without fear. Feel the fear and do it anyway.....

Otherwise you will end up in constant passive/aggressive cycle .... she feels your negativity and apathy towards her - you need to reframe this as you doing a more effective job of parenting and empowering a challenging child.

Read up on ND and encourage her to do the same. Look at lifetsyle changes she can implement - there is no meds for ASD so a diagnosis has limitations (helpful for work / uni accomodations) but you could be putting in changes this evening.

It sounds like separation anxiety and social anxiety. She has developed this idea that she can't cope/something bad will happen when you are not there with her. She's constantly checking in with you.

Say to her from now on I'm not going to do to answer your calls and messages when I'm out. DD I don't think it's helpful for your anxiety. In fact I think it's making your more anxious by reinforcing this idea that you can only be happy and relaxed if you know where I am and what I'm doing. I know you feel worried when I'm not with you. I know you can cope. I have absolute confidence in you that you will be fine here without hearing from me.

Afterwards remind her of the times she did cope and nothing bad happened.

Start with one tiny thing rather than everything at once.

I think you need to tell her to pack it in and find something to entertain herself……..have you ever actually said anything about it? Because it doesn’t seem like she knows and maybe that is the problem………

OP how did it get like this? What’s really happening?

Start by next Friday saying ‘oh sorry neither your dad nor me can pick you up to give you a lift home today’.

She either manages the train on her own = small win.

Or stays at uni for the weekend = small win.

If she’s never been told no, this is likely to result in a big ass tantrum, possibly backed up by your pain in the arse husband, so brace for that.

I'm not much older than your daughter and I have to say (kindly) that this is very, very unusual and doesn't sound like anyone I know. If she has socially isolated herself there will be a reason. Social/general anxiety perhaps, or something else. It sounds like she's using you for comfort and to compensate for the lack of personal relationships in her life. Maybe there's a lot she's keeping to herself.

Yanbu

I would get really annoyed with her

If she’s never been told no, this is likely to result in a big ass tantrum, possibly backed up by your pain in the arse husband, so brace for that.

And then just weather that storm and it will blow itself out.

Dont give in. Take yourself away from the heat of it.

Be less available and then less response and less accomodating.....all in the knowledge that you are being a good parent supporting and empowering her resiliance and independence.

Giving in is lazy parenting. Stand firm and fair. Communicate expectations calmly. Boundaries. Empathy. Consequences.

yes was thinking that

That would be my dream scenario for me and my dc before they all get married, sod off and forget about us. I would rather sit and watch my dc sleep/watch films/revise for exams than go out with a stupid friend.

Can you drop her at the train station to go back to uni tomorrow? You can't give her a lift the whole way, but you'll take her to the station. If your husband sticks his beak in, HE can give her a lift. You're not going, you've got something you must get done as you had little to no uninterrupted time this weekend.

sorry i am confused

😬

She could certainly get a summer job and be out of the house, if she's home every weekend than she could also do something productive then. Otherwise I would ignore all her nonsense messaging, maybe even block her number until she gets the message.
If she wants to be entertained give her a mop and tell her to have fun cleaning the floors.

OP she will never be able to function unless this stops. Unfortunately we all die. If God forbid something happens to you tomorrow imagine the mess she will be in.

You don’t solve anxiety by avoiding what makes you anxious

Has she got siblings?

I have a children that age and I would be bawling if I had a tenth of that.

OP this is your life if you dont change.
Stop engaging and answering your phone.
Mute her.
Tell your husband to sod off and take her for a drive.
Are there counselling services at the university?
Tell her to ask for some for her anxiety.
Start being increasingly unavailable.
Stop answering the phone ever when out.
Say "ring your father".
You need to go cold turkey on her.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but she sounds like a selfish, self absorbed pain in the arse.

Autistic? Who knows.
My daughter is autistic and 18 and she is not in any way like this.
If she was I would be allergic.

Can you feck off and visit family, friend, anyone who will take you😁?

You need and so deserve a break.
Sometimes being a too good and kind mother bites you in the arse.

Time for some feck off, leave me alone, zero tolerance.

Oh and I suggest you become a bit cranky and tell them both to sod off and leave you alone.

Do you have other children? Are they the same ?

At 20 and she can live independently at uni, so you definitely need to mute her calls/messages when you are out alone. Strict instructions for her to contact in an emergency only (specifiy what constitutes an emergency if necessary!)
ENtertainment? Tell her to read / craft/ learn a new hobby. If she says she is bored tell her 'boring people get bored'
As for spending money on her, if she has a job then insist that sometimes she funds her own lunches / shopping sprees. Or, treats you occasionally !

Christ

Have you had any serious illnesses or a near death experience. It sounds like anxiety I know a couple of teens like this one has only a mum and no other family so if anything happened to mum she'd be alone . The other mum has serious health conditions and it made her check on her mum constantly.

This isn’t enough on its own to suggest autism. Is she an only child?

Wtf