Daughter very demanding of me

[Beebeedoo]

Hi
Changed username as feel a bit odd writing this. My daughter is almost 20 and so demanding of me, examples as want to see if this is unsual, background at uni but comes home every weekend and has long summer holidays from uni. Is this normal????

• Follows me around the house
• as soon as she wakes up messages me asking what am i doing
• when i go to a friend or my mother for a coffee she is constantly messaging me asking when i am home
• says 'entertain me' a lot
• seems to want to hang around me all the time, i want some time but not 24 7!
• has friends but rarely sees them
• wants me and her to go to all these places for lunch and shopping and its really nice but im struggling to afford it every week a nd my savings now v low

I just feel its all too much, when she is home i feel im on edge and snappy with her when she is at uni in the week i am relaxed.
My husband did tell her to stop constantly messaging me when im out with a friend as it makes me feel under pressure to rush home and she didnt do it last time, which was much better.

What can i do about this as im so miserable, want to enjoy mother daughter time but i feel i cant handle this, i sit in laybys and cry as i also feel a bad mum for my feelings.

My friends are lovely people, but every time we go out, the conversation is so boring, I get upset. I am a voracious reader of good literature (not because of my excellent taste, but because people with excellent taste gave me lists), my friends don't read the same books. They see nothing embarrassing in stating that one of their hobbies is 'eating out'. On their CVs. Really. They are excellent people, I help them out, they help me out, but socialising is hard.

Yes, I do know my dc will leave me one day - honestly, can't wait because I want them to enjoy and experience life with their contemporaries, not with a person with whom there is a generational gap, and I am delighted when they say 'can't meet you, mum, Sarah and I are going..... Mike and I are going....'. But in the meantime, me personally, I can't fathom a scenario where I would prefer socialising with a friend to spending time (even unilaterally - say, they are revising next door and I can hear the rustle of the books) with my dc. And it is precisely because I know they will leave to be with the person they choose (hopefully very soon) I love these moments spent with them.

Invest in myself? If you mean literally, my parents did it for me, paid a fortune for my undergrad and postgrad with little return (commercially useless subjects) and if you mean figuratively I do, by reading and walking around towns and cities with local history and guidebooks.

@Hwi not sure I’d put that on my CV but eating out, trying new foods and places is a legitimately hobby.

@Hwi

well maybe you need to work on widening your friendship circle if you’re so bored and contemptuous of your friends. Meet other people like yourself who enjoy “good literature”. Because it really isn’t normal to prefer to sit in watching your teens sleep than go out with friends. I mean surely that’s not boring?? And do they even like being watched?!

Thanks all i really appreciate these replies and its been a wake up call for me. Firstly she has some positives, has a great summer / non term time job and works hard, is doing really well at uni and has friends there. The negatives are what i posted about.
So I am making some changes, I said last night i am not collecting her from uni every week , she says she is too anxious to get the train so will stay there that weekend if i am unavailable.
Yes she has a ND sibling and also at uni coming home weekends, sibling is very different and the opposite, barely see them
I am not replying to every message daily anymore and i am seeing a friend for coffee this morning and NOT feeling guilty about it.

This has really opened my eyes now and i want to change, then hopefully will filter down to her

Now you made me sound like a Comodo dragon - sitting watching its victim sleep!!!! I did not mean it literally - I don't sit and watch them sleep, I hang around the flat, occasionally looking in on them, and continue with whatever I am doing. I meant to say I am so happy to hang around the flat when they are there, rather than sit with a friend in a coffee bar. I AM NOT CONTEMPTUOUS OF MY FRIENDS, I respect them, all of them are more intelligent than me (real degrees, like physics, maths, biomedical sciences), they earn more than me and are in a highly respected jobs, better social position. How can I be contemptuous of them?

Have you spoken to her, heard her side of things and explained what's going on? My worry is that she'll see this change as a sudden rejection and read too much into it - it'd be better if you told her that you need a bit more space and maybe helped her to set up more social activities that she can do without you?

yes i fully intend to do that

@Plawp I've no doubt it exists but it's just rolled out so often apropos of nothing these days that it loses it's meaning, professionally & privately I've seen it used as an excuse to not get involved in living & doing, my colleagues blame Covid for lack of social skills in our youth & there's definitely something in that so don't think I'm being dismissive, if anything it's concerning

@Hwi

errrm, this?? 👇 Your words, not mine!

“That would be my dream scenario for me and my dc before they all get married, sod off and forget about us. I would rather sit and watch my dc sleep/watch films/revise for exams than go out with a stupid friend.”

@Scorchio84 plus if there isn’t exposure all that anxiety will never change. It’s just a fact.

I used to throw up on my commute to work every morning back when I started working until eventually I got used to it. Did it feel good? Absolutely not. But trains are generally safe, OP’s daughter can ease herself into it. Even for her own sake, she won’t have family playing chauffeur forever.

@Aftergloww that must have been Hell for you, of that I have no doubt but you knew it would restrict your life if you didn't push on, you should do school talks tbh 💪 Parents need to parent & encourage their (mostly teen) children to test themselves especially nowadays post Covid when their rooms became their whole world
That said I still grab my sons hand when crossing the road so some things never change 😆

‘Entertain me’…..and you tolerate this? Why?

Sounds like the flatmates don’t want to be around her!

I could have written this.... to a point. My DD, 20, currently being investigated for ADHD and ASD, always suspected ADHD but not ASD (seems the girl can mask really well) is everywhere I am. She is very anxious, does not got out has no RL friends just on line friends. I am her security blanket. She has to sit next to me, be in the same room as me, comes to work with me (I have my own business), messages me when I'm out of sight or sound. It's hard.
Maybe your daughter has similar and is apt at masking. When she's in uni she masks and masks, but this is like a bottle of pop. When she is then home with you, its security she seeks from you.
May be work going to the GP with her and asking for a referral to adult MH for ASD assessment. Take care, I feel you xx

This is so so difficult to advise on. Yes, your daughter sounds very needy. I get the impression that it’s ongoing and not a new problem since she went to uni? On the one hand, it’s flattering and a blessing to be close, however, this is over the top. I suspect that her behaviour is historical due to you wanting everything perfect for her as she grew up. This is NOT a criticism, we all want our children happy.
can I suggest when you chat to her, say something along the lines of, oh I’ve got loads on in the next few weeks(letting her know you have a life beyond pandering to her) then suggest you compare diaries and find a date you can both do? This (kindly) lets her know, you’re not at her beck & call?
is she coping with living at uni? And has she made any friends there? Does she do anything socially at uni?
as for the shopping/meal trips, if you cant afford it, tell her. She’s not a child.

My DD18 is similar. Shs has severe ADHD and now a diagnosis of ASD. She needs a lot of attention from me and loves me taking her to the supermarket and/or B and M. She is in supported accommodation as she has some severe mental health problems, but still relies on me a lot.
She's currently a NEET so not as functioning as your daughter but will happily go on buses and trains around our city. She does ha e severe anxiety about other things though.
I would suggest your DD goes to GP to talk about ND, especially as she has a brother with it. I think stopping the weekly pick ups from uni is a good think. Could you collect her on the train sometime?
Goodluck OP it is suffocating.

I do think it’s dismissive. You have no idea if people are using it ‘as an excuse’ or if they’re genuinely affected by anxiety.

I've explained my reasoning for my comment @Plawp

And I don’t think it’s sound reasoning. Agree to disagree :)

Awww you are not being unreasonable yes your her mum but you are also you who has other things to do.
Talk to her even if it takes a few times , unless there is an emergency when you are with your friends your mum or your just relaxing alone that's your time .
Schedule in mum/daughter time that feels comfortable maybe there is some autism so making things clear having a routine some understanding boundaries will help both of you x

Is she maybe ND? my child is 15 and is similar. Not diagnosed but if I go out will text me all the time asking when back etc. Tbh got to point it's v hard to go out. They worry something will happen. Separation anxiety:( you need to build up time she does stuff on her own etc.?

This sounds like a medical condition so I hope you canget her assessed. I don't know if there's a way to do that without her knowledge. Otherwise, it sounds like she is having a hard time at Uni. It can sometimes take a long time to fit in. Even though she says she has friends, has she ever mentioned bringing someone for the weekend. If she trails around, hnd her the vacuum cleaner or the laundry to fold etc. She'll soon stop. The text goes over a boundary and the only way she'll understand is if you don't answer EVER unless the house is on fire !

uni is very special and does impact young adults differently…

If she has friends and can hold the same job for holidays then socially, she is ok and doesn’t sound on ASD frequency.

I would try and investigate anxiety because on your end it is too much. Does she not have any hobbies? Anything she really likes to do? Or something she wanted to explore but didn’t in the end…? Worth to look into it so she can become more independent.

Should she already be independent? Yes. But to be honest if she didn’t have any chance to grow some hobbies (interest, discipline to continue, community from it)…it is difficult to start now but never too late!

Good luck 🌺

Can you help support her in her other friendships

I feel your pain OP. My DD16 has been the same since birth! She was diagnosed with ASD two years ago, but she’s always been hyper attached. She used to sit outside the bathroom waiting for me as a little girl. Even now she has to find me at home at least once an hour to check in. It can be truly exhausting. You’re not a bad Mother at all for feeling overwhelmed and claustrophobic. I do set boundaries for though. I go out with my friends and I do not respond to her messages. And I am quite clear with her when I need space. But essentially they just need so much reassurance that they’re loved.