Daughter very demanding of me

[Beebeedoo]

Hi
Changed username as feel a bit odd writing this. My daughter is almost 20 and so demanding of me, examples as want to see if this is unsual, background at uni but comes home every weekend and has long summer holidays from uni. Is this normal????

• Follows me around the house
• as soon as she wakes up messages me asking what am i doing
• when i go to a friend or my mother for a coffee she is constantly messaging me asking when i am home
• says 'entertain me' a lot
• seems to want to hang around me all the time, i want some time but not 24 7!
• has friends but rarely sees them
• wants me and her to go to all these places for lunch and shopping and its really nice but im struggling to afford it every week a nd my savings now v low

I just feel its all too much, when she is home i feel im on edge and snappy with her when she is at uni in the week i am relaxed.
My husband did tell her to stop constantly messaging me when im out with a friend as it makes me feel under pressure to rush home and she didnt do it last time, which was much better.

What can i do about this as im so miserable, want to enjoy mother daughter time but i feel i cant handle this, i sit in laybys and cry as i also feel a bad mum for my feelings.

I don't think you messed up, everything you say is very like a combination of my Son and my friend's daughter. Son was diagnosed autistic when he was 20.

DS is now 22 and works, but we do give him lifts a lot.

Some on here will say "ridiculous, make him use public transport" but if you haven't parented a child that isn't "normal" you don't get it.

DS is getting better - he is 22 - but at 19 he was still struggling to get himself places. It was overwhelming, what to say to the bus driver or trying to make sense of timetables or understanding the station announcements. I made a regular journey with him on public transport a few times, rather than give him a lift. Once we had done it together a few times he was more confident. I then gave him a lift there but he got himself back.

If uni is close, could you do that?

@Hwi
Yeah, I dunno but the idea of sitting and watching a 20 year old child sleep seems kinda creepy to me. Or perhaps you've missed the point of the OP's post and think it's the OP that's clinging on like mad?

This sounds too much. I like the suggestion of being away at the weekend - this might help her settle in more/make more effort at university at the weekends too. It is unusual to be back home every weekend.

I wouldn’t tolerate “entertain me” from my 7 year old, let alone an adult.

They could make a Netflix series about you mate

As the mum of two ASD teens (16 and 19) I have to ask whey she’s not been assessed for autism. She doesn’t actually sound much like my two at all (they are very detached in fact, so I have the opposite issue if anything) but what you describe isn’t dissimilar to other people I know - albeit when they were much younger because they’ve had support and put in strategies to manage behaviour and build independence and confidence. If it’s not ASD, then there is something else at play and she still needs assessing.

...shouldn't she have some studying to do during the weekend, if she is at Uni? I'm not expecting 48hrs of homework, but there must be something she is supposed to be reading about/researching/drafting/planning? On her own....

I would rather sit and watch my dc sleep/watch films/revise for exams than go out with a stupid friend.

😂

I am watching my 3 boys (aged 13, 10 and 8) watch a film right now and I’ll tell you something for nothing, I would MUCH rather be out on a Saturday night with my friends.

I think you need a chat to set some ground rules. This age is a weird age, because you're trying to develop a new dynamic because shes an adult not a child anymore and youll relate differently, I wonder if she's scared of growing up and so she's acting like a child around you and expecting you to be a mother like you'd mother a smaller child.
I would suggest agreeing some activities and time together in specific ways, if you instigate it she might feel more secure (it sounds like, at the moment, she suggests everything you do together and you automatically avoid as much as possible because it's all too much - I suspect this makes her more keen to suggest things to help her feel like you love her).
I'd sit down, explain as she grows up that you're developing your own habits, friends, life and you both need to work out how you relate as two adults who are independent from one another but love each other a lot. If she is ND (sounds like she is and she's not reading your signals) she will probably love a routine (we go for coffee every Sunday, we make brunch together on Fridays and cook dinner together on Wednesdays). Explain to her that if she messages you, and you don't respond it just means you're busy and you'll reply when it's appropriate and she shouldn't message again. Stop rushing to her when she messages or calls - you're reinforcing the behaviour, she now knows that it works.

It's hard but without talking to her, and agreeing a more adult routine of contact, she won't learn and she clearly can't work out from your subtle hints that she needs to back off. Eventually, she needs to be independent enough to move out and then it'll probably be another difficult conversation....

Why doesn't he take her out for a country drive?

@Hwi

eh? Do you actually have any friends?

Don't take this as a slight - I had the same problem with my daughter and like your situation she used to listen to her Dad more. If she kicked off I used to say ok we will speak to your Dad about it when he gets home. At the age of 23 and like your daughter, at university (she was doing a 'caring' nursing degree yes they come in all shapes and sizes) my husband was the main contact with her. He was brill he was like a referee. She bullied me but respected him. She was living at home but made my life a misery.

And before anyone knocks that it was my husband who was the referee - replace it with grandparent, aunty, brother, sister, cousin or any other loving relative who steps up.

Perhaps I am being cynical, but my instinct tells me she’s playing you! That said, there is definitely something amiss with her and I think a GP visit and possibly some mental health help might make things a bit better. I don’t want to worry you, but she doesn’t sound right and I can see why you are concerned.

I also have an autistic teen so I’m not minimising there could be ASD with the OPs teen but I have noticed a massive difference in teenagers who were locked down during the pandemic compared to teens even just a few years older and lockdown did balls them up socially comparatively to other teens.

I was an only child and I would have got NOWHERE with my parents if I’d behaved like this young woman.

Which thing do you want to change most between you? Take it one step at a time. For example if you want her to catch the train focus on this. This week go to the station with her when she is going back. Show her how to see if the train is on time, how to find the platform, how to open the door etc. Get on the train with her, get off and discuss how to get back to her digs, then you go back alone.
Do you remember doing things for the first time and how it made you feel? It can be very hard for some people to not overthink things but they adjust with familiarity.
After once more she gets on the train alone.
Do the same in the other direction for two weeks within a month she may have cracked it.
My son hates being out of his comfort zone. No point in expecting him to crack on, I gather all my patience and talk him through things, sometimes going round in circles but eventually he having discussed a million what ifs can move forward. He is 21.
Anxiety is so rife in young ppl today I work in FE . Tackle one thing at a time eventually you will get there.💐

If parents have allowed this needy behaviour to continue that’s probably why she has never learnt to entertain herself.

I don’t think we are designed to ‘mother’ after a certain age, unless the adult child is ill/emergency. The hormones naturally fade, as they should.

I think the mistake was allowing a situation to develop that she comes home every weekend from uni. She should be going to parties or clubs and societies with her friends. I would ask her to make arrangements next weekend as you and dh are busy and see what happens. Are you sure she has friends? Are you sure it’s going well? I would be having a deeper conversation about her uni life, and start encouraging her to go out more with her friends. She is going to find herself increasingly socially isolated unless she joins in at weekends.

Become very busy with your own life. Don’t be afraid to say no, put some boundaries in around your own time without coming across as pushing her away. Help her build independence.

How far away is her uni? You need to stop her coming home every weekend and if that means being the “bad person” and refusing to collect her then so be it. I bet you feed her, do all her washing, tidy and prepare her room?
It’s not normal or healthy for a young person to be like this. Honestly if there are no diagnosed issues, cut the cord and let her sink or swim.

She needs to be told to stop. ✋

Dont reply straight away to messages.

Entertain me - No. You are an adult, find a hobby and entertain yourself / gardening etc

List of jobs for her to do

She Can start cooking from scratch, volunteering and going to the library and listening to podcasts

Agree.

Have the plan in your head of all of the areas that need addressing - and then slowly nudge them along with support, reassurance and firmness.

Like inching along the diving board. You need to have a strategy and implement it.

Bit creepy mate. I'm not that emeshed with my six month old DS! I need my own space, as much as I love cuddling him.

Frankly Op, everyone takes the easier way sometimes but it's not helping your DD, ND or not, to let her hide behind you. You're her DM but that doesn't mean it's good for her to cling to you and make you the answer to everything, it would be better for you to gently introduce some boundaries to make her live her own life. If you're working then no way does she get to sit and watch you, that's over the top.
I know it's hard when she still seems so dependent on you, but it would be kinder in the long run to disengage a bit or your DD will come back from Uni and then get stuck at home again

Agree.

And this is your last easy window to get her socially connected with people her age....hopefully the plan post uni is for her to live independently in a house share and not come home?

Post uni is really hard to make new friends as many roles are working from home, friends are scattered for work and many are travelling.

She needs to be laying the foundations of her social life and nurtiring her friendships now whilst at uni otherwise you will be lumbered.

Start telling her she can't come home some weekends- go away with your DH for a weekend break.
Stop collecting her- ever.

This is what I have to keep reminding myself of when I roll my eyes when working with teens now, it has to have had a massive effect on their maturity BUT the parents & teachers (of which I am one) need to stop pandering.. who wouldn't want to spend time in their rooms with WIFI & pizza getting delivered?

Not to be a "In my day.." but I couldn't wait to get out of my uniform & head out onto the green or up the road to be with my friends & I'm not that old 😆