to say that I won't do two 60 minute round trips so she can see her friend?

[letsi]

my 12 year old wants to see her friend who lives half an hour away. (friend moved house)
She wants to stay for the day and me to pick her up late evening. Her friends parents don't drive. This would mean doing two 60 minute round trips. I've asked her to see if she can hang out with a local friend this weekend. Am I being mean? I wouldn't mind so much if she'd do a sleepover so I didn't have to do two trips but friend can't do a sleepover and dd hates them.
Would you do this driving?
End of month and can't afford the diesel either!

If you can’t afford it, then you can’t do it. Is train/bus an option? Mine started unaccompanied traveling about first year of secondary. Life360 app is your friend here…

But, yes I would - we choose to live rurally, 20 min to the train station, so this kind of outing is normal for us. I take collect one teen, DH the other. And this is why we bought them both a car and driving lessons/insurance as it’s our choice to live where there is no public transport.

Same, at 12 she should be more than capable, surely?

It's not that far.
Unless you genuinely can't afford to take her then YABU.

I would, but I’m fortunate and can afford the fuel. If you really can’t afford it then there isn’t a debate to be had. The fact that you are asking makes it look as though the fuel isn’t really the issue.

I would do it. We don't drive and we used to joke about how our DC seemed to choose to have the kids who lived furthest away as friends. He went to a CofE secondary and his best pals were the out of catchment kids, one was a 50 minute train ride away. If your DC is 12 it will get better as she becomes old enough to get the bus, train etc. to go visit herself

No bus or train? Although that is not likely to be cheaper than fuel but she might have a school transport pass she can use?

How is she too young to take the train or bus? I did it every day for school. All my friends lived at least half an hour away (in all directions, it was a rural area) and I always took public transport to get to them.

I didnt realise you said she is too young for the train, why is that?

She is secondary school age, possibly year 8 by now, she should be capable of independent travel

I'd do it effort-wise, but if you can't afford it of course YANBU. I think 12 is old enough to hear "that's just a bit too expensive for me this month, sweetheart, let's try and find a time in February or March that works for her."

Train, what fecking train?? And how far is the nearest station to where OP’s DD wants to visit? 🤣

Where I grew up the nearest train station was an hour away by car.

Where I live now, the nearest station is over 100 mins drive away. There are also no rural bus services here so you either drive or you walk miles.

I don’t consider half an hour to be far, it’s pretty much just up the road so it occur to me that it would be a problem. However if you can’t afford the fuel then that’s perfectly reasonable to say no on those grounds

Assuming you drive at around 30-50 mph, and your car does somewhere between 30-50 miles per gallon, a one-hour drive shouldn’t use more than about one gallon of diesel. Diesel is around £1.50 per gallon. Therefore, the total for two one-hour journeys shouldn’t cost more than £3 - £5 tops - unless you drive an extremely fuel guzzling truck!

Obviously, if you can’t afford £3-£5 then just explain this to your dd. Alternatively, if she has any pocket money saved, then you could tell her if she really wants to visit her friend she will have to pay something towards the fuel. However, if the overwhelming reason you don’t want to do it is because you have had a hectic week, have lots of things still to do and don’t want to give up two hours of your time, you could suggest dd does a couple of chores for you as a ‘trade’ for your time. You might find that giving dd the option of contributing towards fuel or chores suddenly makes visiting her friend far less appealing! 🤣🤣

Yes, of course. Done this many times.

It’s an hour with a huge chunk of time in between each drive and it sounds like no one asking for it to be a weekly thing. I honestly don’t understand why this is being seen as a big deal.

I would take her.

the station isn't walkable from the area her friend lives in. She does get trains with her fiends but has never gone on one alone. She would
happily do this, so that's a me problem not a dd problem.

That might be the case for you, but OP said the reason her DD doesn’t get the train is because she’s too young

I wouldn't mind the driving but if the cost is an issue for you then that's a valid reason to say no. If it's a once in a while thing and not an every weekend thing then I'd probably be inclined to say yes. Hopefully her friend's family will make the same effort to keep the girls in touch and it won't all be one way!

Yes I would. Friendships are so important at that age and 12 is tricky - so dependent still on parents but with such strong emotions and feelings about the things they want to do.

If you absolutely cannot afford it then it’s obviously a no. But that is not really how I read your post as your question was would others do it. Well if you do not have the money at all then it’s not really a question of would you. I interpret it more as you would rather not do it and the cost is also a factor. In those circumstances; yes I definitely would do it.

Why is she to young? A NT 12 year old should be able to catch a train by herself.

Now is the time to work on that. It is a bit scary as a parent the first time you let them do it, but it’s the first steps to letting her become more independent and building resilience.
My DD is 15 now but has been getting the train by herself since she was your daughters age.

I used to do this frequently, dds boyfriend lived about half an hour away so I would drop her and bring her home later. Also used to pick him up and bring him here if those were the plans. Obviously they used to both ask if I was free to do this and sometimes I wasn’t so it was tough crap on them! His mum never drove him anywhere (not my business, never asked why or why not) and buses were infrequent for the route they’d have had to have taken to get to his although they did occasionally do this if dh or I weren’t around.
Dd can drive herself now so my days of taxiing are over but I didn’t really mind it tbh.
However if you can’t afford the fuel then it’s just a straightforward “no, sorry but finances are stretched already and I can’t afford the petrol in the car this month”.

That was fortunate this time.
Great!

I would limit the number of times I'd drive DD in future though..
I would encourage her to make play dates with other friends closer as they are likely to be more sustainable.

In what way is it not walkable, how far?

No bus?

At 12 I was popping into town, local shops etc with friends

If you can't afford the fuel then you could have invited the other girl over, or sent her on the bus/ train. It's sad to read how some parents really don't care about their kids' friendships; friendship is so important to children for their self-esteem, growing social skills and happiness, I'm confused why that wouldn't matter to their parent.