to say that I won't do two 60 minute round trips so she can see her friend?

[letsi]

my 12 year old wants to see her friend who lives half an hour away. (friend moved house)
She wants to stay for the day and me to pick her up late evening. Her friends parents don't drive. This would mean doing two 60 minute round trips. I've asked her to see if she can hang out with a local friend this weekend. Am I being mean? I wouldn't mind so much if she'd do a sleepover so I didn't have to do two trips but friend can't do a sleepover and dd hates them.
Would you do this driving?
End of month and can't afford the diesel either!

We didn't drive out sons around that much compared to others, they got the bus where possible, but yes I would think if it was at each ened of a whole day I would do this. But fuel costs aren't an issue so if you can't afford to do it don't.

What's the public transport option? May be cheaper with bus fare cap or day ticket than driving. Then find something to do locally and travel back together. Then when she's old enough she can do the journey by herself if the friendship endures.

No, I don’t think I would do this again in hindsight. Encourage local friendships instead.

I regret the effort I put into keeping the friendship going, to be honest. I did all the driving too as their parent doesn’t drive and at Christmas, I drove and collected friend and parent and took them home later in the evening after feeding them too.

Annoying thing is friend seems to have dropped DS now having made new friends and is never available to meet up and has also stopped going to the hobby activity they both used to attend.

Why can’t she get the bus/train? Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Agree. I would do it for my kids too. I think is a bit mean.

Why don't you just stay over there and make a day of it yourself instead of coming back to go back?

Why do you think she's too young for the train?

At 12 presumably she's in secondary, so gets herself to school, or at least should be capable of it.

As long as it's in daylight, why not start to broaden her independence by getting the train?

Why can't she catch the train at 12?

Diesel costs aside, yes I would do this without a second thought, especially if the friend's parents are happy for her to stay all day - realistically you're talking about leaving home at 10am, being back by 11, and not having to go and fetch her again until maybe 6? That doesn't seem like a major disruption to my day, or an unreasonable amount of driving.

Well, if you can't afford the fuel, that's the end of the matter. In future, I wouldn't have an issue driving my child 30min to see their friend. (The school run is a 1hr round trip for me, walking, twice a day, so I supposed I don't see the hardship in a 1-off trip to see a mate.) Is there a bus/train your child could get to their friend's house? At 12, they're old enough to get there on their own. If not, can the kids meet somewhere central to them both?

I think you should tell your daughter you cant afford it.

If I was the other parent who didn’t drive, I know I would happily pay for the diesel if my Dd wanted to see her friend badly and it saved me so much driving time. But I guess it depends on their finances as well.

Another idea might be sort out a local town/shopping centre that both girls (and the parents can get to). They’d only be able to have a couple of hours together, but that surely is better than nothing.

If you can’t afford the fuel then you’ll just have to explain that to her.
Generally (when fuel can be afforded) I’d do the occasional trip to let her visit her friend and find something to do in the area - read a book in a cafe, go for a walk, shopping etc and give your Dd and her friend 3 hrs or so to catch up before collecting her, so you don’t need to do the journey twice.

If I couldn’t do it this weekend I would make a solid plan for when I would.
because it takes effort to maintain a friendship with someone who moves Away and your daughter wishes to keep that friiendship

I had 3 kids who used to ask me to do this and my answer was always "find someone local to hang out with and you can play with x when you see her in school".

I've got 3 kids and work full time I just cannot be arsed to spend time ferrying kids to and from peoples houses.

We live rurally so friends often live far away as the schools have large catchment areas, and there is poor public transport.
So I'm often doing rather long journeys to enable my son's friendships and his hobbies.
It's one downside of where we live.
Affording fuel isn't a problem for me.

Are you happy to do it if you can afford the fuel?

I'm not doing it all the time - I have a job and my own interests, but weekends, school holidays and the odd evening will often see me driving about.

30 minutes trip. Can she go by bus or train?

If it’s time/ effort then yes you are being a bit mean, but if it’s money then you have to do what you have to do. It’s a bit of a shame for her though so I’d probably rearrange after pay day. Assuming it’s about 30 miles the costs can’t be more than £20?

well it looks like we've got an offer to share the driving as her friend's adult sibling (30 and safe driver 🤣) is going through to drive her back.
I do feel a bit guilty for not doing both trips and for making dd cry, bless her. I know that we can't always say yes to our kids though.

Could you take her and spend a couple hours in this town while she sees friend then bring her home? Then you aren’t going back and forth

I see that the situation is resolved but I agree that taking a train aged 12 would be fine, especially if the friend can meet her at the station at the other end. My kids took the train to school every day from 11, as do millions of other kids. If it's new to her just talk it through and keep in touch while on the train if you're anxious.

I’d do it

I would do it. But not if the cost of fuel was an issue.

That said, if the friend is the one who has moved away, then I'd expect the friends' parents to be bending over backwards to facilitate their child's friendships rather than expecting everyone else to make the running.

I absolutely would. It's not far, really, and if the friendship is important to her then being an obstacle to that would be mean.

I’m still interested in knowing why you think she’s too young to get the train?

If you can’t afford it, then it’s a straight out no.

The driving wouldn’t put me off. I’d probably split it with my husband.