To want to leave my terminally ill husband and disabled son behind

[FedUp2025]

My husband is ill with stage 4 cancer.
My 5 yr old son has severe adhd and is a nightmare. Volatile, agressive and manipulative. No amount of love or positive parenting has made any difference whatsoever to this child.
I'm fed with the pair of them. I get nothing but abuse and and shouting all day at me.
I'm done. When I forget things I'm supposed to do for them or miss 1 item off the sopping list. All I get is how selfish I am and how they hate me.

After my husband passes I just want to put this child into care and live a peaceful life.
AIBU?

No you aren't unreasonable. You're exhausted and need peace and support. I'm guessing you don't have the support?

Dying and/or having cancer isn't an excuse to be abusive.

Your child is having nastiness modelled to him by your DH (if I am reading your OP correctly).

Also being in a volatile home will absolutely make his ADHD worse.

I would be telling "D" H to change his attitude promptly or I would be leaving him.
I think the difference in your child's behaviour away from that environment would be interesting.

You do not deserve such treatment. Your needs are valid too.

I think I would feel the same as you. There aren't any easy answers. But the stress you are dealing with is off the scale. Seek help. Maybe a short time with foster parents for you DS might help. Does your D H get respite care in a hospice. Ask at his hospital or G P

Your husband shouldn't be shouting at you. Illness or not that's just not acceptable.
And even worse he's teaching your son it's acceptable.

I think you both need councilling sessions. There must be support groups for families dealing with cancer.

TBH your DS might be easier once you no longer have the shouting in the house.

This sounds like hell. Are you getting any help at all with your husband such as carers and/or nurses?
Try and go and speak to your GP, it sounds like you could do with some input from a social worker.
You are at breaking point and someone with stage 4 who is terminal can still live for months without knowing the prognosis, it’s hard to tell.
Your health is also at risk here. I understand your child’s behaviour is an ongoing issue, but is your husband bring verbally and mentally abusive, too?
So sorry, OP.

Is your husband acting in an abusive manner as well? If so it's no wonder your son is.

No you're definitely not unreasonable.
I would start going away for at least a short while now already, so you establish a precedent.
Even if you can't afford it - just staying with a friend, etc, it will be worth it.
You are a person too, you deserve a life rather than being someone's support human.

I was watching an episode of Spotlight on iplayer yesterday about mums who suffer violence from their kids with autism. (Older kids than yours.) I really wish there was more help and respite available. You deserve it.

The problem is, respite for disabled children is almost impossible to access. The best most can hope for is some sort of day activity for a couple of hours. Overnight care or foster care? Forget it.

Same for hospice respite. It can happen but usually only when the patient is struggling with pain control. Not when their carer is burned out and on their knees.

This is why carers have it so hard.

This is so sad, it really sounds like you need support you have too much to handle alone. Id think that your son's behavior could have a lot to do with what he sees from his fathers abuse and the stress at home. Is there a way of getting care help so you don't have to do everything for your husband?

I think most people would feel the same as you. That is a hell of a lot to deal with.
Unless your DH has a brain tumour that has changed his personality then being unwell does not give him any pass to be shouting and demanding. He is being selfish, not you.
As for your child, if his ADHD is very bad does he take medication for it? Because maybe in his particular case he needs it.
You sound very overwhelmed, but your feeling are valid.

If you can, try to separate the two.

It's highly likely that your son - who is only a very young child - is copying off your husband's mistreatment of you. Yes, he will grieve when he passes but he may also be much easier to parent as a lone parent.

How much support do you have for his additional needs?

How long does your husband have to live?

Have you spoken to social services about the help you need with your son?

You sound so utterly defeated, I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

on a practical level is your DS’s school supportive at all? Would they be able to refer you on to any local services that might give you some brain space?

Has your DH been referred onto a local hospice? He might be reluctant but tough tits, they will support all of you and might be a source of referrals for other organisations to help you and your ds. Personally I think that utilising hospice services is one of the kindest things a terminally ill person can do for their family. I get that they want to be at home, but the turmoil that goes along with being terminally ill takes away any safe space.

You’re, understandably, drowning. You have to keep asking for help because your situation is too much for one person to shoulder alone.

Speak to GP and Child Services. Ask family for help.

In the meantime you need a break. Is there anyone who can take your son for a week so you can check yourself into a travel lodge and just have a week off all other responsibilities ?

This
I do get overnight respite for my now severely autistic teen but only in the past year and it took years to access
And overnight respite is usually only offered to those children with very complex needs.

Are you already connected to any services for your son? Could you ask about respite care? Or facilities specialised in caring for disabled children? Placing him somewhere more suited to his needs isn't abandoning him, sometimes loving someone is knowing we're not what they need.

Also, can you just go away for a weekend and have a break. They may struggle alone, they probably 100% will struggle. But so are you. And you matter too, you can't pour from an empty cup.

I don’t think you mean this. I also think your ds will improve when the tension in the house reduces - how is all the shouting good for a small child?

yanbu for feeling burned out and at wits end. Yabu for proposing a solution which will ultimately make you feel much worse.

Anyone would break under these conditions.

my heart goes out to you

You poor thing. Sounds like hell. I’d want to do the same.

I think I'd feel the same . If this has been going on a while it must be totally thankless task caring for those unappreciative. Your son is too young to know but your ill husband shouldn't be adding to your stress .
Set boundaries with your husband and expect him to assist guiding your son . If nothing is progressing there comes a point when you have to protect your own wellbeing and leave them to carers .

I know you mean well but every time these threads come up posters come up with unrealistic scenarios about respite and suitable residential places ,in reality her son would be placed with foster carers at best and not specialised ones at that.

It’s ok to do that you know.

Sending love your way today.

Has your husband always been abusive, or has this just developed with his illness? Could he have ADHD?

You are stronger than you know - the fact that you’re battling this daily gives no surprise that you’re wearing thin.
What is your husband’s prognosis in terms of how long can he expect to have left? As awful as it sounds, I think a layer of complication will be removed when he passes away making it easier in some ways for you to cope with the challenges of your son.
Do you have any family or friends around? It’s ok to go to them for help if you do. If you were my friend I’d want to know you were struggling and I’d do whatever I could - even if it was taking your son for a walk on a Sunday morning so you could have a brew in bed.
Please reach out to those around you.

thinking of you x