To want to leave my terminally ill husband and disabled son behind

[FedUp2025]

My husband is ill with stage 4 cancer.
My 5 yr old son has severe adhd and is a nightmare. Volatile, agressive and manipulative. No amount of love or positive parenting has made any difference whatsoever to this child.
I'm fed with the pair of them. I get nothing but abuse and and shouting all day at me.
I'm done. When I forget things I'm supposed to do for them or miss 1 item off the sopping list. All I get is how selfish I am and how they hate me.

After my husband passes I just want to put this child into care and live a peaceful life.
AIBU?

Yeah it doesn't work that way I know people are trying to be kind but it's not as simple as just organising some respite care
And not at all helpful for people to continue to suggest it as it's not realistic.

I don’t know where to start with this. Calling a terminally ill man a scumbag on the limited information available. Suggesting that despite trying to come to terms with his own mortality and possible intractable pain he should be ‘pulling his weight around the house’ ?!!!! If your own DH had a terminal brain tumour, correct me if I’m wrong but wouldn’t that be largely responsible for his behaviour and out of his control ? But you call him vile and you left him to die alone. And you’re encouraging OP to do the same. One of the most unpleasant posts I’ve seen on any MN thread.

You only get one life OP. Do not waste it. Do what you need to do.

Some common sense at last.

I think that PP is making an admittedly poor attempt at sarcasm.

Sadly, she says not.

Nope, many may not be religious but for me it was simply a case of leaving it in God's hands. The situation with the OP's child is more tricky, so would advocate care rather than abandonment

I know it defies belief, I thought sarcasm too but that was her response.

oh fgs

how awful but thanks for clarifying

I think this has already been mentioned but there is criteria to be met to go into hospices, they are stretched to capacity and none of them offer respite stays.

Yep. And someone can meet all the criteria, and still not have a cat in hell's chance of getting a hospice bed.

The vast majority of people seem to have no idea of the pressure on hospices, and who they're actually there for. I didn't either, until my husband was dying.

Fortunately he was an easy patient and we were able to give him a lovely peaceful death at home, which was what he wanted. But I feel for anyone who doesn't have, or can't offer that experience, who looks to multiple hospices, and discovers there's no chance of a bed.

You don’t need to put up with your husband because he has cancer. I would be leaving him.

Your situation sounds absolutely dire. I know what it means to care for sick people as I cared for my mother during her dying days and have been caring for my mentally ill son for 20 years. Please try and get all the help you can and God Bless xx

Nope. She’s perfectly serious. She says she left her DH in Gods’ hands. Absolutely beggars belief.

She’s not putting up with him because he has cancer. She’s caring for him because he’s dying. There’s a difference. We don’t know if he’s had a change in personality because of the illness - if so it’s beyond his control. We don’t know how recently he got a cancer diagnosis, or indeed a terminal diagnosis. He may be acting out because he’s struggling to come to terms with it. No-one is saying that his behaviour is acceptable but encouraging OP to leave her dying DH when she’s in no fit mental state to decide that rationally, is totally irresponsible. The likelihood is that she will come to bitterly regret it and she’ll have to live with it for the rest of her life. There are no do-overs here.

OP has been failed by the system and left to get on with things until she’s reached breaking point. I’ve no doubt that she’s saying things in her posts precisely because she is at breaking point and not because she actually wants or intends to leave DH or her son. But the fact that she’s been allowed to reach such a low point is a disgrace. She needs help to deal with the situation she’s in, and there have been lots of suggestions here as to how to get the ball rolling with that help - that’s likely the real reason she posted. But that hasn’t stopped some posters here from salivating at the prospect of being utterly cruel in delivering a verbal kicking to someone who is already on their knees.

This. It’s easy to pick ‘respite’ and ‘hospice’ out of the air as perfectly accessible as and when needed, but the reality, as you say, is totally different. Many homes in our area have closed down, and the remaining ones who offered respite care cannot do so now because places are being bought up by the NHS for those patients who are bed blocking because they are not yet independent enough to be discharged home. So the care homes are a kind of halfway house. And places in hospices are like gold dust with waiting lists of many months - in many cases beyond the remaining life span of those who need them.

Where do you get this from? It absolutely does not accord with my experience and when I googled I found this https://www.benjaminkeep.com/misinformation-on-the-internet/# which says the the study which “discovered” this was retracted.

It's not too late to leave your abusive husband. You're clearly overwhelmed by your son. Look into all the possibilities.

Yes, because it’s just that simple isn’t it ?!!!

I’m sorry you are going through this.
Sonetimes the hardest thing to do is to ask for help. But you need to do this.
Talk to your son’s school , is he in mainstream or special school ? The School needs to do a referral for you
Speak to your GP tell them you need help
Speak to Carers Resource and ask for their help . The shared care scheme can provide sitters who come to your home as well as overnight respite
Social Services should be doing a carers assessment for your needs as well as your sons , this is desperate and you need to be persistent.
You need help sharing the load of your H care , could manorlands help ?

Do you have family or friends who could offer support ?
Sadly my experience has been help doesn’t fall into your lap you need to ask for loudly

Just move out. It’s what many men would do in this sort of situation. Let him take care of the child. There’s no legal obligation for you to stay and it doesn’t sound like you like either of them.

IF Op was to get shared care it would likely be a few hours a week
As for overnight respite yes it exists my son gets it but it takes years and is only really something a child with the most complex of needs will get
My so is severely autistic and is 14 and is allocated two nights of over night respite a month, from it being agreed at panel it took around 18 months for us to be able to access it
Even when my oldest son was critically ill and ,it made no difference despite being allegedly being pushed to top of the list.

Head, bang, wall.

You would leave a terminally ill man, who is likely experiencing intractable pain to look after a five year old with special needs ? And your excuse for such terrible advice is that you think this is what many men would do ? There are some hugely cold and dispassionate posts on this thread, but I think you win it hands down for sheer lack of empathy for any of the people involved.

I’ve been in a similar situation to OP - disabled, looking after 94 year old resident mum with dementia as well as a disabled partner. Even after a cancer diagnosis last year, two lots of surgery and adjuvant treatment still to come, I can’t access any additional care. The shared care scheme will only provide a few hours a week, and overnight respite is rarely offered. Even hospice care for those very close to the end of their lives is hugely over subscribed and many will end their lives still on waiting lists. I think the first port of call is Social Services for a carers assessment, and contacting the hospital team looking after her DH, or possibly the palliative care team if one is involved. MacMillan is another option as they can signpost to other services. But the fact is that if OP has been pushed to the point where she sees her only escape as leaving, then the broken system of care in this country has already failed her.

Jesus Christ.

Yes a lot of men walk away, but those men are cunts.

"Just" leave the confused 5 year old with a disability to be cared for by the angry, confused terminally ill dad. I'm sure op won't live to regret that at all...

Fucking hell.

Adhd diagnosis and medication is life changing