To want to leave my terminally ill husband and disabled son behind

[FedUp2025]

My husband is ill with stage 4 cancer.
My 5 yr old son has severe adhd and is a nightmare. Volatile, agressive and manipulative. No amount of love or positive parenting has made any difference whatsoever to this child.
I'm fed with the pair of them. I get nothing but abuse and and shouting all day at me.
I'm done. When I forget things I'm supposed to do for them or miss 1 item off the sopping list. All I get is how selfish I am and how they hate me.

After my husband passes I just want to put this child into care and live a peaceful life.
AIBU?

Yes, I would leave an abusive asshole husband. It doesn’t matter if he’s terminally ill or not. Why does that change the equation?

Did you read the original post? The OP has had it. She can’t seem to wait for her husband to die and then put “this child” into care! She clearly doesn’t love either of them. That’s cold. Not the leaving once you’ve fallen out of love with your husband and kid.

Genuinely asking, if as soon as your husband dies you will be putting your child in care, why don't you just leave now?*

Also, I don't think you can just put your child in care, ADHD or not. I don't think it works like that. For very severely disabled children your Local Authority might put them in a residential school but this is vanishingly rare. I have personally never heard of a parent being able to just drop their child into the care system.

*Edit: should say "what's stopping you?" as a question to OP rather than advice.

How to seriously fuck the poor 5yo up for life - in one easy lesson.

Leave the poor kid with abandonment issues.
Caring responsibilities for his terminal Dad.
And the huge grief attached to dealing with the death of his only caring parent.

Then get passed round the care system, like pass the parcel when his Dad dies.
If she can't be arsed to look after her own child - who the f would?

Barnardos ran a campaign a few years ago 'too old at 4' very few children are adopted beyond the age of 4. They are too damaged, and nobody wants them.
Ops kid would be seriously damaged and that's before you consider ADHD

The kids 5, possibly 6 by the time Dad dies. So he'd end up getting passed around as SW saw fit, low budgets, low wage carers, low quality care.

Meanwhile mum swans off to her new life without a care in the world.

She might not have a legal responsibility to her husband but she certainly has a moral responsibility, for better and for worse....sickness and in health...

I guess if you dumped the kid at the SW dept and walked out, or failed to collect from school, SW would have no choice but find him a bed, exactly the same as any other child in the system.

But it would be fucking traumatic for the poor kid. It certainly wouldn't be a cosy handover to SW.

I actually wonder what the legal consequences for the Op would be?

Other than being viewed as a heartless bitch.

Leave the child with the abusive man? Great advice.

Because he’s dying. And we don’t know if the change in personality is because of the diagnosis. Of course it changes things and if you think of it in terms of an equation l feel sorry for you.

Yes, I’ve read and understood it. You clearly haven’t if this is what you’ve taken from it. I’ve been there. Felt the despair and the abandonment. She doesn’t mean what she says. She’s using us a sounding board for that despair. If you don’t understand that l’m sorry for you.

So what if he's dying? He's an abusive asshole who's literally abusing OP and is influencing their child to do the same thing. What you're proposing is unnecessary martyrdom.

OP isn't coming back.

I'm so sorry to hear this. You're a human being with feelings, emotions, and needs of your own. You're not somebody's punchbag and doormat. You're right you didn't sign up for this. Bide your time until your hubby's passed then try and make something of a life with your son, and try and build some semblance of a mother son relationship.

Which is understandable given that so many posters have waded in with a kicking rather than actual advice.

OP has received no help at all with her care duties. No wonder she’s at breaking point. She’s saying she wants to leave but l doubt she really will - in times of intolerable stress we all say things we have no intention of following through with. She needs help to access support services and l suspect that’s the real reason she’s posted. There are many posts here which give good advice as to how to go about it, and which also give a realistic idea of what to expect - the post advising her to leave her 5 year old SEN child with her terminally ill husband isn’t one of them.

Without reading the whole thread, I'm going to hazard a guess that the answer to this is a no ...

Oh, 100% this. My sister's friend is a MacMillan nurse and it happens to women with cancer all the time.

Well they'd be classed as selfish bastards in my eyes. And just because some men do it doesn't make it right.

There is a small child, in the middle of this, who may or may not know what dying means dealing with stuff most people don't need to deal with until adulthood.

Op needs to put that child first.

Looks like OP has got the usual kicking and spite on mumsnet usually dished out by people who are clueless about these situations since most of them live in a flat on their own with a cat or a hamster for a companion. No wonder she hasn't come back. She was reaching out in despair.....
1,2,3, deleted by Mods.

And who've never been in a relationship, other than with a dashing Doctor in a Mills & Boon, in their life.

Hey OP, if you need help, reach out to me. I might be able to help ××

This. Absolutely.