To want to leave my terminally ill husband and disabled son behind

[FedUp2025]

My husband is ill with stage 4 cancer.
My 5 yr old son has severe adhd and is a nightmare. Volatile, agressive and manipulative. No amount of love or positive parenting has made any difference whatsoever to this child.
I'm fed with the pair of them. I get nothing but abuse and and shouting all day at me.
I'm done. When I forget things I'm supposed to do for them or miss 1 item off the sopping list. All I get is how selfish I am and how they hate me.

After my husband passes I just want to put this child into care and live a peaceful life.
AIBU?

I'm so sorry you are going through all this without support the support you so desperately need. Please accept any offers of help, even when you don't feel you need it. Reach out to friends and family to get support where it isn't being offered. People can be very worried about causing offence and don't offer help even when they might want to. If people think you are coping they will tend to keep back.

It's not that simple
It's taken me years to get two overnight respite, days a month for my son who is severely autistic and 14
The reality is the Op might get a few hours a week of direct payment, s and that's before trying to find a suitable P/A

I have a child with ADHD and trauma so completely understand. But you can't opt out of that. If you do it will traumatise him even more, especially with his dad being so ill. And as an adoptive parent, I can safely say that the damage you will cause him by abandoning him will be enormous and catastrophic.

Firstly is your DC on meds? If not you need to address this asap, or look at adjusting them. Is he under camhs? You need to try and get support for him. Does he have other additional needs?

But your husband is probably terrified too and while his behaviour is dreadful he needs help. Macmillan and Maggie's centres are brilliant and will support you too.

Hugs to you

Well it sounds like you are the victim of domestic abuse and your DS is showing a trauma response to the effects of living with a domestic abuser.

Does DH have any other family who could support him.

Abuse is still abuse, cancer or not.

What support are you getting as a family/carer?

Is this truly the full story here? Your husband, the person you chose to marry and stay with is dying and you can't wait for that to happen. Just wow!

Has he always been like this? If so, why did you marry him. Or do you think the fact he is dying might affect his mood and he's doing the wrong thing by taking it out on you.

As for your child, what mother wants to give them up because it's too hard. That's life! You clearly are suffering from mental health issues as no one in their right mind would say what you've said.

Is there any rest bite care you can call upon? You need to speak to social services as you're clearly at risk and a risk to two extremely venerable people.

You sound utterly overwhelmed and exhausted. I hope you can get some support. Sending love

How is asking "why did you marry him?" helpful?

(And it's respite, not rest bite. And vulnerable, not venerable (unless either DH or DS is about to be made a saint or something...))

I have experience looking after a child exactly like you are describing OP, it is hard. Like seriously hard. I can't imagine dealing with a DH dying whilst also volatile also. I really feel for you and can completely understand.

Do you not have any support network? Getting respite is so difficult for the more challenging children. Have you spoken to your GP or any health professionals around your children so see if there is any help you can access?

Your DC may calm once DH has passed as DC feeding off DH attitude certainly will be making things worse.

The DH may also be in pain. Have cancer in the brain which can cause other issues including behaviour changes.

The boy is very little dealing with stuff that is life changing

That's Mumsnet. You get ripped a new one for wanting to give up your dog but putting a disabled child into care - that's ok.

Apart from that, it doesn't work like that. People are clearly ill informed or ignorant or possibly both. If you struggle, you may be given some extra help but it is largely on the parent to carry on. The option to give up and child simply doesn't exist. I wish people would stop posting this nonsense.

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And please get a referral to Social Services for support. You can refer yourself too.

Sounds like your DS is copying his dad. Cancer may be for the best. Your DS’s behaviour may calm down without your DH abusing you, either way you will be free of him.

This is going to sound so stupid but I imagine however hard you think your situation is, it's probably 10 times worse. You'll look back on this time in your life and wonder how you got up every morning. But you are getting up every morning. You are looking after them both (probably better than yourself). Writing your post on an anonymous forum on the internet to voice your innermost thoughts is fine. It doesn't make you a bad person. You are doing your best.

I agree with everyone else you need support, If your husband wasn't always an arsehole maybe therapy for him? And if you can afford it therapy for you? I know it's like using thimbles to clear the water from the titanic but could you get a 20 min walk by yourself each day? 20 mins outside in fresh air alone and not having anyone dependent on you? Could DH manage that?

I care for my DH with dementia. The version he has will be terminal over 5-7 years. Before he got ill we had moved to a position for many years I call passenger syndrome. I was the only one working. He opted out of all decisions- finances, holidays, decisions involving the kids and largely all of life was left for me, as is currently the case. Whilst at times he could be lovely, at others he could be very moody. It is however as it is and I am not going to leave now. To make the best of it I have reached out for support and I do have some, although it is limited. I have also found counselling quite useful- unsurprisingly, I am suffering from moderate depression.

My heart goes out to you.

I think age 5 or 6 was when DS was at his most physically violent, particularly towards me. ADHD means they're usually emotionally much younger and just can't cope with demands. At all. It's horrifically tough.

You are experiencing carers burnout which is hardly surprising with everything in your life. Go to your GP and/or phone social services. Tell them exactly how you feel on your worst days. Yes they both need support but do do you.

Was your DH like this before his diagnosis?

it sounds like your DS may be copying his dad’s behaviour. I’d start by leaving the DH straight away, to be honest, and see if not being in that environment improves your DS behaviour. Seek support with your DS wherever you can and remember he is only 5, you are his world. He’s gone through a lot, as have you, but there is a chance to try and help him.

Sorry to hear this. I would say leave your husband but it sounds like you’re hanging on.

You may find your relationship with DS changes after your husband is gone. You need to change how you deal with him, just because he has ADHD doesn’t mean you can’t have boundaries with him. Presumably you chose to bring him into this world so you do owe it to him to raise him.

Do you have any respite from the house? It just be a pressure cooker of tension.

This post is nonsense. Some people are incapable of empathy and reading between the lines. And it’s not the OP.

Clearly there isn’t a bond here as he keeps being referred to as “this child’’

mother seems to have no concern for anyone except herself

Wrong. This is a mum at the end of her tether. How dare you say she hasn’t got concern for anyone else. Who is doing all
the work? She is clearly mentally destroyed by looking after a dying husband and a high needs child. She is still there. Caring day after damn day. Everyone has their breaking point. Esp when they are running around everyone and being shouted at daily. Give her a break.

TBH I think it may be best for the boy to be adopted by someone who will show him care and empathy

Disgusting comment. I would bet the OP is never going to leave her child. And she loves him and will care for him. As she has always done. She is just feeling broken and detached right now. And deserves kindness, not judgy comments like yours.

If it was you with cancer and your husband in your position, don't think he wouldn't leave you .

But would she be verbally abusing him? Don’t think so…

Thanks for this response. Nearly every comment on that person’s post was lacking in emotional intelligence.

You poor thing. I'm so sorry. Can you get more support with your husband's needs, is there a hospice, local cancer charity, Marie Curie etc. You have needs too and with an ADHD child I really doubt you had any extra time or energy to deal with a seriously ill husband.

Delay decisions about your son for now untill your husband passes and you both have some time to grieve or if that isn't imminent till things have stabilised with your husband. Try to get more support, school, social services but I know it can be incredibly difficult.

I wouldn’t encourage people to place a child in care, however in this context there’s no indication the child’s welfare is being prioritised and OP is almost making him seem like disposable object.

Having children can be challenging, One of my DS is challenging in many ways.

Would I consider ever abandoning my children or not putting their needs before my own - absolutely not.

Some of the responses on here are accusing the DH and DS (who is 5!) of “abusing” the OP.

But not many are considering that this child’s needs and wellbeing are seemingly being neglected by both parents, which is abuse.

Theres also no empathy for the DH who is dying … I challenge anyone to be the best version of themselves if they are terminally ill, in pain and aware their existence is ending anytime soon.

Is it fair on OP to be in these circumstances, no, however if this was a post about a man wanting to leave a terminally ill DW and 5 year old he would be lynched.

Hello, OP. I am extremely sorry about your situation. It sounds appalling. You are definitely not being unreasonable. You are under incredible strain. No-one should have to live like this and it cannot go on. There are some useful comments on here about where you may be able to get help; if you cannot get help, you will need to get out for your own wellbeing. Wishing you well.