To want to leave my terminally ill husband and disabled son behind

[FedUp2025]

My husband is ill with stage 4 cancer.
My 5 yr old son has severe adhd and is a nightmare. Volatile, agressive and manipulative. No amount of love or positive parenting has made any difference whatsoever to this child.
I'm fed with the pair of them. I get nothing but abuse and and shouting all day at me.
I'm done. When I forget things I'm supposed to do for them or miss 1 item off the sopping list. All I get is how selfish I am and how they hate me.

After my husband passes I just want to put this child into care and live a peaceful life.
AIBU?

This whole comment is perfect, similar to what I was trying to say but you've written it out so much better than I did!

How was your marriage before your husband became ill? How was your child's behaviour before this too?

It's not quite the same, but my father also died of cancer and during his last stretch of time, he was terrible abusive, bullying and nasty to my mother. She got zero love or kindess from her until the end. My son, also 5yrs old at the time, also behaved abysmally – and now in hindsight I know that's because of what was happening around him. It was awful.

From the limited background given, it would occur to me that your son is absorbing an awful lot right now that a 5yr old would normally not have to. And ADHD or not, this will have severe impacts.

Could you contact a Foster Care organisation for some regular respite for your son now? Don't wait until your husband becomes sicker.
Speak to your husband's doctor about how you are not really coping. There might be assistance available, of which you are not aware.

You are reasonable, to feel the way you do.
You deserve to look forward to waking up every morning.

YANBU This scumbag man sounds abusive and you need to leave ASAP. Take a picture of the bank statement to get your ducks in a row so to speak. He may be in continual pain with terminal cancer, but that is no excuse not to pull his weight around the house, being kind and considerate. It sounds like you are married to a misogynist, but he sounds like he hasn't long left so every cloud and all that. I had a similar situation with my DH, he got a terminal brain tumour but it didn't excuse his vile behaviour demanding a bring him food/water at the drop of a hat. I couldn't take much more so moved out to mums house and thankfully when I returned nature had taken its course.

Your 5 year old is a little more tricky, if things are that bad as you say, put "that child " which indicates little bond into care. You would then be free to enjoy life, maybe meet a new partner who was less selfish than the bastard you are with currently and perhaps a new child who is more suitable. TC OP, you sound like a loving, caring woman and once the current DH shuffles off, hopefully things will improve

This is helpful by showing that this lady did have an opportunity not to reclaim her son from care, but she did not use the opportunity in front of her eyes. And she has to live with the consequences now.

OP, amongst the less than helpful posts is some really good advice from @Rosscameasdoody and others. The health and social care system in this country is not fit for purpose but to have any chance of getting support of any kind, you have to send flares up, numerous and repeated.

Start with social services, your GP and your boy's school and take 10 mins (somehow) to write a list of other organisations mentioned on this thread, like Macmillan and contact all of them, being really, really clear about what is happening and that you cannot continue without support. I know when you're under the sort of pressure you are, this in itself seems a mammoth task, but it is the only way you are going to get any help. The scattergun approach means that the chance of even one person listening and taking this seriously is increased and they can then liase with the others.

Do this for all of you, including a little boy who is going to be extremely stressed himself, even if he can only articulate this through difficult behaviour.

I think putting the boy into care or respite would be disastrous for his MH. To a child that translates as 'Mum doesn't want me'

Right now he needs assurance all will be OK, he needs to know he's loved and Mum and Dad and they want the best for him.

How was your DH prior to his illness ? Was he a good husband to you or abusive then ?
If he was a good person and changed, well, he's dying and that must be terrifying so I'd cut him some slack and try to work things through with him (that doesn't mean he can be an abusive jerk, that means telling him he's behaving like one and giving him one chance to change course before you leave).

If he already was a jerk before then I'd just leave. Illness isn't a get out of jail card and he's not gonna change.

As for your son, the stress of the situation definitely doesn't help. Is he medicated ? I'd want to see how he behaves once removed from this difficult situation. Again it doesn't mean he can use you like a punching ball.

Sorry you are going through this. Is your son in school? If so I would start speaking to the school about how hard this is and how it effecting your whole family. They can help you access support, we have found our school to be incredibly supportive wjth our sons adhd, they can make referrals to councilling. Have you also accessed the diability support in your local area, adhd is a registered disability and there is help. have you applied for disabiljty living allowance for your son? You can access additional funds and use for specialist childcare to get a break from it. I would look at ways to make things easier, shopping online and review the list together for example. You can't do this alone and need outside help and if you are this stage then you should really seek whatver help you can.

Surely not fair on the very sick husband too?

A lot of posters seem to be prioritising the child over the sick husband. Surely both are equally deserving of support. Both are vulnerable.

'I had a similar situation with my DH, he got a terminal brain tumour but it didn't excuse his vile behaviour demanding a bring him food/water at the drop of a hat. I couldn't take much more so moved out to mums house and thankfully when I returned nature had taken its course.'

Wow. That sounds kind (not).

I have kindness/ empathy but only to a certain point. I won't tolerate misogyny regardless of the circumstances

Quite. I'm hoping it is some kind of weird exercise in sarcastic writing, TBH.

I agree.

Nope, many may not be religious but for me it was simply a case of leaving it in God's hands. The situation with the OP's child is more tricky, so would advocate care rather than abandonment

Children’s needs are paramount. Always. The DH is dying. The child has a whole life ahead of them and in these formative years they need stability not being subjected to this toxicity. The OP needs to be somewhere peaceful so she can recharge and remain positive towards her child who is learning how to he from the adults around him.

You sound like a sociopath.

I agree with all of this

My late mother was a trained nurse. When her aunt was dying of cancer my DM went to the other end of the country to look after her. Aunt behaved appallingly and DM could do no right. After yet another criticism over a boiled egg my DM absolutely flipped and told aunt exactly what she thought of her behaviour. Aunt was so stunned (and probably very worried that DM would pack and go) that not another complaint was forthcoming.
I know that you don't have that luxury but I think that you should wait for DS to be out of the house and then lose your temper too. Illness does not give the patient a right to be abusive and a few home truths will not go amiss.
Please see if you can get some hospice help. They are also very good with giving the children support. Your DS is probably struggling with his father being very ill and doesn't know how to deal with it (also agree that he could be copying his father's behaviour). xx

I can’t believe that someone admitted to dumping a dying spouse, I could never imagine doing something like that to someone I was supposed to love

lots of terminally ill people get very angry while dying , people just don't talk about it. Nobody like to think of the messy sides of dying,

Agreed, it's probably a mix of pain and fear. They probably don't realise it.

But. I also knew someone whos cancer had spread into their brain it was a bit like a dementia patient with moments that they were talking nonsense, moments of normal.

If you can't believe it, then think what extreme stress someone must be under, to consider it.

When my husband was dying, I used to attend a weekly carers session at the hospice (they'd send a volunteer to sit with him so that I could go). We'd sit in a circle and share our situations. I used to leave counting my blessings that my DH was such a good and appreciative patient, and that the later stages of his illness made him very passive rather than frustrated. Because there were carers in this group who were beside themselves with stress because their husbands were so difficult, so angry, and were taking it out on them.

I remember one of them breaking down when the session was over as she couldn't face going back to her husband.

you sound completely and utterly burnt out .
you need to get a break of some sort , approach social services to see if it’s at all possible to get some sort of respite care for your son and for your husband to have some respite care also .