To want to leave my terminally ill husband and disabled son behind

[FedUp2025]

My husband is ill with stage 4 cancer.
My 5 yr old son has severe adhd and is a nightmare. Volatile, agressive and manipulative. No amount of love or positive parenting has made any difference whatsoever to this child.
I'm fed with the pair of them. I get nothing but abuse and and shouting all day at me.
I'm done. When I forget things I'm supposed to do for them or miss 1 item off the sopping list. All I get is how selfish I am and how they hate me.

After my husband passes I just want to put this child into care and live a peaceful life.
AIBU?

I don’t advise her to leave her child and I know she won’t.

Can you not see someone at the end of her tether?? I challenge anyone to not break after being physically and mentally exhausted and then abused. Even by a loved child.

She is using language here and saying stuff that she cannot do in real life. She is venting online to try and feel better. I hope it’s cathartic for her. I don’t think for a minute she is cold and detached to her husband and son in real life all the time. Why do you?

She is showing them ‘kindness and care’ by her actions every day. Give her a break.

Unless her child is on MN and reading this, she can frankly say what she likes. When my son was a tiny baby, he had colic and screamed all night. One night when I was rocking him and he would not stop crying, I wished that I could throw him out of the window. Would I have? Of course not. And I didn’t. But sometimes the thoughts and words we have, are a reflection of our emotional distress rather than reality.

Of course not. Or their solution is the respite care that doesn't exist.

OP I can't imagine the amount of stress you're under. and I doubt for one minute you'd actually walk. The amount of pain in your household at the moment is enough to make anyone break.
I think previous posters comments about intensive support for your husband not being available until the end are probably right but in the meantime I think there may be some for your son. I would contact social services and explain the situation. I would not hold back on explaining how desperate you feel.
In the meantime a huge hug for you. My eldest child has had similar issues so to a small extent I do understand.

Firstly as a social worker it doesn’t work like that to just put a child in care.

secondly are you and your son accessing any support at all? Either practical or emotional support. I presume you are Uk in which case you would be eligible for an adult carers assessment and support through early help (and more depending where you are) which I think would be the best step. I would contact your local social care and ask to speak to adult and children’s referral teams and tell them that your are at breaking point

I’m all for giving people a break, inclusive of her terminally ill DH and vulnerable child.

But there’s an imbalance on this thread of people accusing the DH and child of being abusive and worthy of being left …. But it’s okay for OP not to be acting / speaking in the best way because she’s overwhelmed.

Hypocritical somewhat.

I’m sorry, that sounds intolerable. As a SEND parent I would agree with comments that there isn’t huge amounts of support but if you are in England you are entitled to a Carers Assessment from the Local Authority. There may be a Short Breaks service under the Local Offer, which in our area isn’t overnight but short paid sessions where your child can be occupied doing sports/crafts etc. if you Google SENDIASS, plus the name of your town or council area, and do the same for “carer forum” you should be able to find their websites and request signposting to support. Ours has courses on things like anticipatory grief, managing stress etc, support for applying for Disability Living Allowance for your son if you don’t already get it. Best of luck

Not on Mumsnet. I’ve lost several friends to various cancers as we’ve all got older. All their husbands stepped up and provided loving and selfless care. I’ve recently had a cancer diagnosis and several brutal surgeries and procedures - my own DP has been nothing but concerned and supportive. I’ve also been shocked on various other threads at how often women are advised to leave their partners if they become ill or receive a terminal diagnosis. The reason ? As far as I can see, mostly because ‘you’re his wife, not his carer, and you didn’t sign on for this’. Along with a healthy dose of the sentiment here - ‘would he do the same for you ?’ It’s unfathomable.

This is an utterly shameful post to direct at the OP who is clearly near breaking point. Who on earth do you think you are? I hope this gets taken down.

I’ve reported it and I think one or two others have also. I really don’t know what goes on in some posters’ minds, to indulge in this kind of cruelty.

So sorry OP, this sounds so hard.

You say your husband is terminal, how long have they given him?

I have been in a situation where the jail term for bludgeoning someone to death feels like a happy alternative OP.

Please seek help urgently on Monday. You will break otherwise.

Could DH go into a hospice? You should not be considered default carer.

I agree, obviously she’s struggling and I feel for her (and frankly I would probably leave the DH too) but there’s a 5 year old little boy being discussed by OP and others like he’s a feral little monster rather than a child with complex needs. People saying ‘You can just dump your kid in care and be free 💐’ is absolute madness to me even if he will never read it. Get some help and support, your little boy deserves the best you can do.

I feel your pain. I am in the same situation with very little support from his (adult) children. I had the same experience with the lethargy he has and I actually think that his dementia started much earlier than we realised. I’m dreading the future.

I saw that a while back. It left me completely shocked that these women - and one of the Dads - are expected to just manage such physical abuse from their autistic sons, but the professionals can simply say 'we can't cope with him' and return the child home. The lack of respite care/care provision was an eye opener, too.

I really hope you can secure some support OP.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Does your son take ADHD medication? If not, this may make an enormous difference in his life and yours.
If he already takes it, does it make a difference? If it doesn't please go back to your doctor and investigate something that works better for him.

My son was diagnosed with severe ADHD when he was 5. (his special ed teacher at the age of 9 said he had the most severe hyperactive ADHD she had ever seen in 40 years of teaching...and this was when we felt he was in a much better place after 3 years of support, treatment, medication).

Without medication there was no amount of parenting strategies and love that would help him because we couldn't reach him. Nothing worked and our family was falling apart as this was the exact time my husband had a burnout and depression, family bereavement, another DC who was a baby/toddler, no family support. life was impossible and bleak and I couldn't see it getting any better. My relationship with DH was awful. He was awful to me and the kids, I found myself being awful to the kids. I could not cope with my life.

Only once he was on ADHD medication could we begin to make the changes we needed. Family parenting support based around his needs and ours (he's not the only ND member of the family). Specialist school and out of school care/support. Therapy for everyone at one stage or another.

DC now 13, still on meds, still in special ed but we are at a stage when he can be more independent, cycles to school by himself. He's a lovely, amazing kid.

It sounds like you and the whole family are in a place of overwhelming stress, trauma and a spiral of negative behaviour. Not surprising. You need support and help, and sometimes that means protecting yourself.

Please look for outside support. I don't know who you have in your life but I've been there and it was the absolute worst time of my life - I had never felt so alone because nobody really understood.

Sorry OP
Didn’t mean to derail the thread. You are probably stronger than you think, have you got people you can talk to IRL?

Not hypocritical, totally understandable. But I think you have to come at it from experience to be able to understand it. She’s not overwhelmed, she’s broken. Her son is disabled, and her dying husband is understandably angry and afraid and is lashing out. It sounds to me as though OP is the one who has been abandoned and left to get on with it - an utterly broken and not fit for purpose care and support system has allowed her to get to the point where she wants to abandon her dying husband and her son. That’s what’s hypocritical.

Hospice places are like gold dust. Even in the last few days of life.

Until my DH had a terminal diagnosis, I thought that most people had hospice as an option. I couldn't have been more wrong. There are four hospices within reach of me. Not one of them had a place. And that was in the his final days, never mind the preceding months.

OP is broken. Do not kick her when she is down.

Didn’t want to read and run but regarding your son- please reach out and get support there js plenty out there including parenting classes (I was cynical at first but my god , made a huge difference ime) in the nicest way possible- please don’t give up on your son he is a child!l there is plenty of support out there and I would exhaust everything before I gave up my own flesh and blood or any child for that matter!

in regards to your partner - again please get professional advice and support and make a decision from thereon. your priority should be your son over partner imo

Thanks for that. I didn't know this but this is Britain where nothing works.

DH has spread cancer but he has always treated me with the utmost respect so he is a pleasure to care for.

OP you must get support ASAP. There must be some way out of this situation for you.

I can see you're hurting and really struggling, but never ever give up on your baby. Mine has tested me to the limit, but I've never thrown the towel in, and he's a decent lovely human now. I used to say to myself all day long "keep plodding".

What has also helped me is remembering - this isn’t forever.

This is just a phase in my life that I will deal with and move on from .

Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it will end - and it is that feeling that makes us want to give up ime

Respectfully, if this man is a bully and you’ve put up with it this long, do not rush to walk out at this point if he has life insurance policies & pensions which pay to you on death. This is a moment to be savy. You also do not need to accept his shit. Stand up for yourself, tell him if he’s so perfect he can do his own shop. Otherwise, show some respect if he wants you to carry on providing & supporting. Tell him his cancer is not a hall pass to be an arse.

Do you have family you can lean on? If not, do you have access to counselling? It might be good for you to speak to someone detached from the details and personalities.

As for your son, I agree he’s mirroring what he see’s. I cannot offer any real help other than to say do you have MacMillan nurses supporting you if you’re in the UK? Perhaps that could facilitate you doing some things with your son away from the house to rebuild your bond.

Once your husband passes, you can make an informed decision about what’s next for you and your son. No judgement from me if you decide to make more permanent decisions about your sons future care, but you don’t have to make a decision right now whilst you’re in the thick of it all.

I’m sorry I can’t offer advice but couldn’t just scroll by.

This all sounds so hard, sending you love and strength x