To want to leave my terminally ill husband and disabled son behind

[FedUp2025]

My husband is ill with stage 4 cancer.
My 5 yr old son has severe adhd and is a nightmare. Volatile, agressive and manipulative. No amount of love or positive parenting has made any difference whatsoever to this child.
I'm fed with the pair of them. I get nothing but abuse and and shouting all day at me.
I'm done. When I forget things I'm supposed to do for them or miss 1 item off the sopping list. All I get is how selfish I am and how they hate me.

After my husband passes I just want to put this child into care and live a peaceful life.
AIBU?

OP, would it help to know that if you were this sick, your dh would likely have divorced/left you? It's a known fact that men are highly likely to divorce or leave when their wives get this sick.

If he is abusive to you, then you can (and should) leave. Cancer isn't a reason to have to accept domestic abuse.

It's likely the calmer new home would also benefit your son, or at least give you the heads pace to handle his behaviour a little easier. And give you time to consider the long term plans with your son.

Make (or buy) them a bunch of meals, stock up the cupboards and take break. They will manage without you for a few days. You do not have to take the abuse. If they kick off again, do the same.

yanu to fed up. If your husband is abusive, then leave. No diagnosis can justify this but completely unreasonable to want to leave your disabled child behind.

Out of interest. How did you get a diagnosis of ADHD? It's not usually diagnosed until 7. Also, there is medication which can make a big difference die ADHD. Positive parenting won't make a difference. You cannot put him into care. It doesn't work like that and given that he will lose his dad, it's just cruel. You need to grow a pair. You are his mum (I have two teens with very complex needs, I get it's hard but the moment you decided to have a child, you accept the possibility they have additional needs). You cannot just farm them out elsewhere when it gets hard.

Ask your local authority for a Carers Assessment under the care act, stress you are at breaking point with as a carer for someone who is terminally ill and a SEN child with unmet needs. You can do this online x Do you have an advocacy service in your area ? You may benefit from an Independent Advocate to support you whilst undergoing the Carers Assessment.
YANBU x

You sound like you're utterly spent, and I'm not surprised. I'm so sorry you have all of this on you.

I get that your husband is ill, but he has no right to shout and abuse you. Have you spoken to him about this behaviour? How long has he got? What sort of support does he need? Reason I'm asking is that some of my friends were still quite independent when they had Stage 4 cancer. At least for a while. If your husband does need care/assistance, is there anyone who can help (or can you get carers in)? I think I'd be tempted to lay out straight with him: be civil and polite with me, or I will withdraw the care I do give. Yes he's sick, yes it is shit, but that doesn't give him carte blanche to treat you like shit.

I reckon - like PP have said - that your DS is copying your husband's behaviour. I know that my (NT) DC both acted up when my XH was in the picture and still living with us. His behaviour rubbed off on them, particularly DC2. After he left, the change in behaviour of my DC was huge, like a switch had been flicked: grades at school improved, behaviour improved etc.

My grandson was diagnosed at 4, we knew from the age of 2, preschool had concerns at 3 and referred him to CAMHS. Not always the case that it's 7 upwards x

@FedUp2025 This sounds exceptionally difficult. I'm also a SN parent but lone so no shitty husband to deal with. It might help if you could expand on how long your husband has to live and what support, if any, you're getting with your child. I can guarantee that he is reacting to a stressful home life and most likely mimicking your husband's bad behaviour. My ex husband was shouty and chaotic and the difference in my son after he left was incredible. I was able to offer a peaceful and routine environment and it was life changing for both of us.

If things really are as you describe, I would leave your husband rather than waiting for him to die. He's a grown man and he doesn't get to be a dick or abuse you because he has cancer - tell him you've had enough and go.

However your son is 5 years old, and you don't get to opt out of being his parent. He sounds like very hard work but it will be easier when he isn't watching his father being abusive and you tolerating it, and when you have more energy from not having to deal with your husband's shit.

My heart goes to you. Being a carer is exhausting and disheartening. You need a break to reassess the situation and get some strength back in you.

Your husband is going through the worse thing in life and is likely utterly petrified. He expresses it in anger and frustration. It is not personal but it is very hard even you are the person who gets slam with it on a daily basis.

Your son is likely scared too. He can perceive that something bad and scary is going on but doesn't really know what. His behaviour also likely reflects his confusion and frustration.

Nobody is wrong to feel as they do. You all need additional support and a lot of reassurance.

A big huge hug to you from a stranger.

I know severe ADHD can be really tough. Dc have it.

But he's 5, disabled, his dad is dying and his mum wants to abandon him. The poor boy.

Yep, it blows my mind how many people seem to think there are all these lovely respite facilities/homes where parents can "just" send their child and pop in for gentle garden visits whenever then go back home. Just "put them in care" for a bit then just go and pick them up when they feel like it.

@FedUp2025 that was absolutely not aimed at you, rather some if the naive replies.

I really feel for you. Has your husband always been abusive or has it started with his illness? I think you need to try (I know it's almost impossible) separate these issues. Your husband is terminally ill - what support is he/the family able to access for this? Care, counselling, financial help, anything.

Your son has additional needs AND is living in a very volatile environment. Both will be sparking eachother off. Again, what support can he/the family get? Is school being supportive? Is he under a paediatrition for checks and possibly even medication if needed?

And of course, yourself! Speak to your own GP in confidence about all this. Home start are amazing at helping all sorts of families who are struggling. Can you reach out to family and friends? Church even? Just for somewhere to go that's Yours, with people who will listen.

You aren't unreasonable for feeling like this but i hopefully if you can (all) access some help and get some breathing space, things might not look so utterly hopeless. X

Yes YABU - your son is 5 and he's watching his father die (even if he doesn't understand that's what's happening). Is he getting any help to process that? Are you? You are clearly at the end of your tether but please reach out - to social services, to charities like MacMillan or Winstons Wish - there is some support available.

It sounds impossibly hard OP. There is one thing you can do and that is stand up to your husband. He has no right to shout at you and you don’t need to pay him any attention when he’s like that.

Give him only the most basic care possible and make it clear it will only change if he treats you with respect.

Remember your son is just a child. Spend time chatting to him about things he’s interrsted in. Watch a film together. Find a connection.

You have way to much on your plate, both emotionally and practically. Between the grief of your husbands illness and your son's disability, the volatility from them both and all the family responsibilities falling to you - that would stress anyone out to the point of just wanting peace. I suspect your husband's illness, pain grief and temper are exacerbating your son's difficulties - and vice versa, as well. Your family needs help and councelling to get all of you through this.

I agree. This thread really bothers me in so far as people encouraging OP to leave her very small child.

Clearly there isn’t a bond here as he keeps being referred to as “this child”…. He is very small learning to live in a world he perhaps cannot comprehend, his father is dying (and clearly in distress) and his mother seems to have no concern for anyone except herself.

Im really saddened and disappointed in some of the advice on here.

TBH I think it may be best for the boy to be adopted by someone who will show him care and empathy … it’s clearly not happening in this scenario.

It's acceptable to feel like this and have these thoughts, but it sounds like things could be a lot better for you especially having help/support from others. No one person is meant to do everything. You would probably feel much better if you had more of that, is there anyone you can reach out to?

You aren't unreasonable, you sound exhausted and in need of a break and support.
Is the abuse from DS or both of them? Because being ill is no excuse for abuse.
Can anyone step in and help or give you a break?

Don’t give up on yourself and don’t give up on your son. He sounds really hard work and he’s still a small child who can grow up to be better than this. It sounds like your husband is modelling terrible behaviour for him. And it sounds like you’re so exhausted it’s all impossible to deal with.

I’m going against the grain here to suggest that you and your son get some respite from your husband together. When your husband dies (timescale not clear) it will be the two of you. You can fantasise about putting him into care but realistically this is really unlikely. See what life is like the two of you. Can you reconnect with him as a little boy who needs and wants your love? Someone you can enjoy spending time with and grow together through the good and the bad? Don’t lose faith in that future. It is possible but you need space from your husband. If it’s likely he’ll live a long time yet I’d consider just leaving him and setting up a more peaceful home with your son. Don’t tar them both with the same brush, this isn’t your son’s fault but he doesn’t stand a chance in your current set up.

Also, there’s some evidence to suggest dietary changes can help with adhd symptoms, particularly reducing sugar and processed foods and eating healthy fats like oily fish or if you can’t get him to eat that then fish oil supplements. And making sure he drinks enough water. I realise that might all sound silly but could be important so I’ll leave it there.

Have Macmillan been able to offer any support? Not just for dh but for you and ds too.

Would you consider arranging for dh to go into a Hospice?

Clearly there isn’t a bond here as he keeps being referred to as “this child”

Such a daft thing to say.

I can hear a woman at the absolute end of her tether. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a bond with her child. She’s on the brink.

You sound utterly exhausted, but don't take out your husband's abuse on your son. You are all he has, especially once he loses his dad. Is there no way you can leave now with your son and get some support? I know it's easier said than done, though.

This. I don't know how it works in your area but in mine you'd get a social worker, who would signpost you to various charities. There are services for you as a carer, your husband's care and support for your DS. I get that just seems like one more thing you have to do, but there is support out there.

As well as picking up on DH's behaviour, your DS is likely extremely distressed by the situation as well, it's a perfect storm of stress and difficulty for you. You must get help.

Know also that I have not one jot of judgement for you. you're in a terrible situation and I wish you peace.

Living with someone who is terminal is utterly horrendous and stressful. Having a child with ADHD is exhausting. You have both.
Can you look into respite care and have a break away?

You are not selfish you need to put on your own lifejacket before you can save anyone else

The Op has written one post my guess is that she's at the end of her tether and probably doesn't mean it
These threads always go the same way posters encouraging the Op to place their child in care out of interest who do you thinks going to adopt him ?
In reality there are not loads of willing adopters waiting to adopt a child with complex needs.

This sounds horrendous OP.
Please go to your GP and tell him everything you have said here.
Is your son medicated? If not why not?
Is your husband being supported by cancer services? Like McMillan?