To feel quite sad that I skipped my “young years”

[Alliona]

I’m 25, I got married at 22, had my now 10 month old at 24, I went to uni, I have a career ahead of me, my husband is amazing and loving and caring. We were friends from age 11, started dating at 15 and have been together since.

However lots of my peers are 20-27, people I went to school with, played sports with etc. and I can’t help envy them in many ways. They are on gap years, falling in love, going out etc. I love my husband and my little boy more than anything and I spent so much of my teens and early 20s focusing on getting here, but now I can’t help but feel like I’ve won the race but there is no one to celebrate with. I told one of my closest friends and she said that she looks forward to having what I have but for now js focused on enjoying the journey. Another friend is in the honeymoon phase of a relationship and travelling the world with his girlfriend and as I was a teen and we’d been friends before it was never really like that.

Im finding it hard to find people I really relate to, I have other friends who are young parents but they seem to lack stability, still live with parents etc., I have other friends who are older parents but they all seemed to do all their living before having kids and my friends who are my age just can’t relate to the stress of finding a nursery or teething. Equally I can’t relate to the stress of the dating scene, or the do we go to Thailand or Indonesia etc.

AIBU to feel like this? How do I handle it, it’s getting me really down and my husband just doesn’t relate, he says backpacking and hinge sound like his worst nightmare.

I also got married at 22.

Trust me on this, if you have a lovely husband and have children, you will be incredibly grateful when you hit your thirties. Many of my friends are divorced, single parents and are struggling largely unsupported. I know many that are quite lonely and childless not by choice and struggling financially on their own.

Ask yourself if this feeling is genuinely your own? Because you're actually so lucky, as are your children.

Being brutal as sometimes tough love is better:

I think that your main issue is comparison. You do realise there are millions of 25 year olds that dream of having their own child and struggle finding a partner. You are married to a long term partner, a beautiful baby at 25, went to university.

There is no race to be won, having a child or wedding first or last or not at all doesn’t mean you’ve won/lost at life.

Having a child does make things different for you but you can still go out and do “young” things.

In reality what do you feel like you’re missing out on? Going clubbing and sleeping in until 11?

OK so maybe you can’t do a gap year but you can definitely go away with a DC and explore.

Everyone has their own paths. There’s no one size fits all journey.

I met DH when I was 16, we got married when I was 22, having a baby happened later due to infertility so DD came along when I was 30, and we've now been together 25 years and married for 19.

If I think back there probably were times when I looked at friends and acquaintances and they seemed younger and more free, but it passed. Me and DH have a strong and healthy marriage, a wonderful daughter, we've grown together.

It does sometimes feel weird thinking that I've been in a relationship for over half my life, but I wouldn't give up a day of it.

I got married at 19 and I'm now 21 with a baby. My life is different from my friends and I do miss the freedom occasionally but I wouldn't change anything. We're just planning on travelling later.

It sounds like you've achieved a lot already. You've been to uni, you have a career, a beautiful baby and a good relationship! Lots of people would be envious.

You're not unreasonable to feel that way.

But those are the choices you've made and I think you have to make your peace with them.

You could always look to the future. Once your child and any future children are grown up, you may be able to travel. Perhaps concentrate on putting by money to enable that and staying healthy and active.

You probably won't be partying till dawn by then, but you'll be able to enjoy your travels without the hangovers.

The only snag might be that your husband seems very content with a settled life even in his 20s, so may not have the same desire for new experiences once you're both more free of family responsibilities. But then, you could always take up new interests and go travelling on your own or with friends.

I think you’ve just got to focus on your commonalities with your friends, even if those commonalities are spread out between several different people. Once people leave school, their lives end up on all sorts of different paths, but when you’re still in your early-to-mid twenties, it’s easy to still be in the mindset from your younger years of comparing yourself more directly to people your age.

Is it normal in the UK to marry at 22? That would be completely unheard of here in Ireland.

I had kids at similar age to you, found it much easier once they were at school. You tend to meet more other parents then at the school gate etc. Also it's fab now they are coming out of the younger years, getting my freedom back retraining etc. and I'm only 40! I feel like I have my freedom ahead of me.

You see, I envy you. I did it all late, getting married and having kids in my late 30s. I'm now 50 with kids who still need a lot of attention. I'm perimenopausal and tired! Will still be financially supporting one child at 60. I wish I'd done everything younger. You'll be done and dusted by the time you're my age and can live a second youth! You can travel, party whatever.
I was very sociable from 15 to 35. Had all those years of partying and fun. I look back abd don't think it was all the great. Too naby nights of drunken debauchery, too maby days spent hungover. To ge honest, it was all a bit of a waste.
I'd say, enjoy your life as it is now and know you'll still be fit and young when you're kids are grown up. Enjoy what you have and look forward to greater freedom in the future.

Is this something that you both wanted, or that your DH wanted and you followed his lead?

If this is something that you wanted, you just have to live with the downside, which is that you can’t pack your job in and go backpacking around the world when you have young kids and a mortgage.

If this is something your DH wanted and you just went along with it, you might want to think about your life goals and how they align with his - people change a lot between 16-25, and maybe you are realising that backpacking and clubbing ARE things you want to do, and spending your nights in front of the TV isn’t for you. Doesn’t mean you have to split up, but might mean you try to include more of what you want in the relationship.

I can see your point. I wouldn't have wanted to get married so young, especially with the significantly increased risk of divorce for marriages below 25. I was building my career without family ties and having fun.

But, it's a bit late now. AS the PP said, your first child will be 18 when you're 40. Hopefully you can take a sabbatical at some point and travel then.

Hi @Alliona - I haven’t read all the comments yet but wanted to quickly say that I think that you sound like you’re in a great situation. It’s good to be youthful with young children! Maybe the secret is to make plans for when they’re older - don’t get in a rut. Look for opportunities to travel with them as young kids perhaps… but once you’re in your late forties (and trust me you will still feel young!) you can travel with your husband maybe and go on some incredible adventures! I’m a little envious as I think it could be good to do things the way you’ve done them as long as you stay young at heart X

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you made a set of choices and are now dealing with the consequences of those choices.

I mean, bluntly, in my view, you made some odd decisions that foreclosed a lot of things -- why in so much of a hurry to tie yourself down to one person, and to have a child, when to me the best use of your teens and early twenties is figuring out what you want the rest of your life to be like, opening yourself up to new experiences, having lots of relationships, seeing new places, and being freer to fuck up and experiment than you'll ever be again?

You may obviously feel differently, as you made the choices you made and regard them as having 'won', but now you seem to want peers to validate you in having made these choices, which suggests you're ambivalent about them?

Which is fair enough. We've all made choices that closed off other choices at some point and can have 'if only' moments. I certainly do. But you're the only one who can come to terms with your own decisions, or decide why you made them.

What do you want out of life? What are you missing? What steps can you take to get there?

My milestone ages were similar to yours, I am nearing 40 now and am feeling so lucky for how life panned out for me because whilst it isn't something many people choose these days, the reality is not many can even if they wanted.

I have a husband who is my genuine best friend who I've been lucky to share my whole adult life with, no complicated past, grew up together. Children younger meaning I have a long time ahead (hopefully!) ahead with them. A career that is meaningful and financially lucrative. I loved my 20s, my 30s have been even better, and I'm full of hope for my 40s.

I didn't go on a gap year (not my idea of fun, children didn't stop that!) but we've been to loads of amazing places over the years, some with the kids, some not (stayed with grandparents, who are obviously still young-ish and active).

You're probably still in a hard stage of parenting, my mum always said to me when your friends start having babies you won't help but feel smug, and she was right (smug probably sounds a bit harsh, but just that feeling of relief that we are past that stage!)

At the the end of the day, it's all down to your own outlook. Focus on what you do have and set goals for what you do want.

When you've raised your boy you will be young enough to grow yourself in whatever direction you wish to go in.

I got married at 21, had twins at 23. I had a university degree by the time I got married and worked mix of full and part time as they grew up.

We were the first in our friendship groups to have kids. Was a bit difficult to keep involved but we dragged them lots of places and threw lots of summer parties/BBQs etc.

It's now good to be relatively young, have the kids off my hands and still have money and time to travel.

The downside of travelling etc in your 20s is that if you have kids in your 30s you spend your 40s knackered, dealing with teens and with no money.

I had my kids when I was 22 then 26 and I did find it a struggle to relate to my friends back then who were off chasing their careers or getting multiple degrees and travelling the world.

As a PP said, once kids start school you may start making more mum friends and I'm still friends now with ones I met even at toddler groups.

I'm now 43 and my kids are 21 and just about to turn 17. Now that they're older I've got the freedom to do more things for myself now, I finally graduated last year after dropping out of uni when I was pregnant with my eldest and DH and I can go away even overnight or for a weekend and don't have to think about childcare or dog kennels since the DC will look after the dogs when we're away. I can even just go out to the pub or a wander the shops and not have to think about dragging them out with me.

It was so hard 20 years ago but honestly now I don't regret having my DC at the age I did, especially seeing friends my age still running after toddlers. I don't think I could do that nowadays.

I hope between other parents you might meet at nursery/school and then any workmates in your career that you find things improve soon.

I think you should be very grateful for what you have! A healthy child and a decent man to do life with, many many people will never find this in their lifetime. Online dating is not something to envious of, I promise you! And you can travel your whole life if you want to, having a child doesn’t mean the end of that. You will only be in your forties when your child is an adult and all the hard work of raising a family will be over and you will still be young with years left to enjoy! You’re a step ahead of most, don’t ruin what you have feeling envious of things you probably don’t want anyway in all likelihood.

You're probably still in a hard stage of parenting, my mum always said to me when your friends start having babies you won't help but feel smug, and she was right (smug probably sounds a bit harsh, but just that feeling of relief that we are past that stage!)

I don't know -- I have only two friends who had children in their 20s, one from an accidental pregnancy she found out about too late to terminate, the other after marrying at 25 because she was desperate to 'settle down' for a complicated set of emotional reasons to do with abusive parents who had paraded their messy infidelities before her when she was still at school.

I only had my child when I was about to turn 40 (by choice). Both friends have said to me on more than one occasion, of their choice to have a child in their 20s, 'What was I thinking?'

Simillar sittuation, but I also look at people having babies at 40 and think mine will all be grown up by the time I'm 45 and they'll still be dealing with temper tantrums.

I think it's quite normal, common even to feel quite 'flat' when you reach major milestones, passing exams, getting married, getting that big promotion etc as you come to realise you're just the same person living the same life before and after and not in some magical Christmas land of end to end joy and satisfaction. It's also a cliche but has some truth that comparison is the thief of joy, yes you can look at friends with high flying careers or party lifestyles or whatever and think they must be doing so much better than you but I bet they're looking at you and feeling equally jealous of your 'perfect' life with lovely husband and baby and home...

My approach to this kind of feeling which does strike me from time to time is allow a certain period of navel-gazing about what I feel it is that's missing from my life that's making me feel sad, whether that's fun or money or validation from others or whatever, but then give myself a good old fashioned head wobble/pull-yourself-together-woman talking to, remember to be grateful for what I do have, and then focus on striving to achieve the things I still want. I find most of life's satisfaction and fulfillment comes from the planning and taking small steps towards achievable goals rather than actually achieving them, the journey not the destination as it were, and it's almost never too late to start. So if for instance you feel you missed out on travel think about what trips you can do, maybe travel for you will come later in life when the kids are older and you have more money, in many ways that's ideal but means you can take plenty of time to plan it out now!

Agree with posters above. I did it late and wish I had started a family in my early 20s now. The people I know that did are having a great life now. My kids will probbaly be just leaving home when I retire! Editing to add the baby and toddler stage is hard and lonely at every age and you will still have friends out doing stuff while you are at home with your kids if you are 20 or 45. Just ehen you are 45, the friends are doing even more fun stuff as they have the money to do it.

I felt this way also when mine were young. Now I'm 42 with a 19 and 24yr and I can't imagine doing nappies or the school run, yet this is the stage my peers are at. I have to remind myself I've done all that when I was young myself. Now, we have an adult relationship with each other and I love it. Just last week I solo travelled abroard whilst DH and our 19yr old stayed home. I have a weekend trip booked next month with our adult DD24 who now lives with her own partner, plus further fun trips planned with them this year. By contrast my close work colleague who is my age has just given birth to her second child, and she finds it mental I have grown kids. We all do things differently I guess. No perfect formula for life.

My parents had children young. By the time they were in their early 40s we were adults or becoming adults and they had a fabulous time having lots of holidays while some of their friends were elbow deep in nappies.

And they have been young enough to be very active grandparents to their grandchildren

Your adventure right now is having children, there will be lots more time for other adventures later

Try doing some gratitude meditations. People who are grateful are content.

I also got married young I did a bit of living when my kids got a bit older when I was early thirties I did some festivals, hendos, city breaks. I got it out of my system.

And when u hit your mid forties you can start to enjoy time for yourself more long haul travel etc