To feel quite sad that I skipped my “young years”

[Alliona]

I’m 25, I got married at 22, had my now 10 month old at 24, I went to uni, I have a career ahead of me, my husband is amazing and loving and caring. We were friends from age 11, started dating at 15 and have been together since.

However lots of my peers are 20-27, people I went to school with, played sports with etc. and I can’t help envy them in many ways. They are on gap years, falling in love, going out etc. I love my husband and my little boy more than anything and I spent so much of my teens and early 20s focusing on getting here, but now I can’t help but feel like I’ve won the race but there is no one to celebrate with. I told one of my closest friends and she said that she looks forward to having what I have but for now js focused on enjoying the journey. Another friend is in the honeymoon phase of a relationship and travelling the world with his girlfriend and as I was a teen and we’d been friends before it was never really like that.

Im finding it hard to find people I really relate to, I have other friends who are young parents but they seem to lack stability, still live with parents etc., I have other friends who are older parents but they all seemed to do all their living before having kids and my friends who are my age just can’t relate to the stress of finding a nursery or teething. Equally I can’t relate to the stress of the dating scene, or the do we go to Thailand or Indonesia etc.

AIBU to feel like this? How do I handle it, it’s getting me really down and my husband just doesn’t relate, he says backpacking and hinge sound like his worst nightmare.

Really? How many married 22 year olds do you know? The only married 22 year olds in Ireland are in the travelling community.

Literally the only people married at 22 in all of Ireland are from the travelling community? Do you mean to sound so daft? But you're mature enough for marriage now eh I'm sure.

I wasted my 20s in clubs and with my idiot ex. I don't even like clubbing, it's just what my friends did and I went along.

I would have loved to have met my DH earlier in life. We met in our late 20s but an extra 10 years still wouldn't be enough. And then it took us about 8 years to conceive so now I'm nearly 40 with a baby. Having him 20 years ago and getting all that extra time together sounds wonderful.

But ultimately this is the life and path I've chosen. If I had done things differently I wouldn't be who I am or where I am today. You'll have plenty of time to travel in your 40s (I don't feel much different to my 20 year old self!).

There are pros and cons for each age. Having them young means you'll have 15 years more with your child/children than I will. That's pretty wonderful, in my opinion. Assuming your parents are alive and you get on with them, your children and parents are likely to have many years together. My parents were already old when my children were born. Their limited time together is a source of sadness for me.
Grandchildren aren't a certainty, but you may get more time with grandchildren than I do.
You'll still be young when they're grownup, with plenty of life to live and that's just brilliant. I'll be an old lady (almost!)

.

I got married at 22 too, had my now 10 year old at 25. You’re right that it’s a bit of an awkward age - too old to be a young mum, too young to be a regular age mum - there werent many new mums my age. All my friends are turning 40 this year, or have done in last couple of years. They’re a brilliant gang to pave the way ahead of me!. The ‘no one else my age’ thing was my only sticking point really that I got over quickly.

You do yourself a disservice by writing the way you do, the way you set things out it sounds like you’re just a totally complainer with nothing to complain about. Eg you knew those around you weren’t getting married and having kids like you were, so it’s not a surprise. I know that sounds harsh but really - travel with your portable baby with the money from the career you have, take your husband along with you and continue to be grateful. It’s not a ‘race’ or a competition - you risk coming off as superior if you come from that perspective.

Bravo

I learned long ago not to compare my life to others. I used to have moments of “what if” but truth is i always wanted a family & even now i’m older i’ve still no desire to travel. My life is a simple one, boring to some and wasted to others but i wouldn’t go back and do anything now.

i got married at 23 & had my daughter at 25 followed by twins 3 years later so i was “done” at age many of my friends were just meeting people and starting to settle down. Bought our house at 22 (when i had graduated and started working) & i did have a good career but for various reasons thats gone as i became a sahm (another choice i made) & now i do a basic job for some money. I’m in my 40s now i had a bit of a mid life crisis when i hit 40 thinking i’ve nothing to show for my life but then i think my kids are nearly grown up, my husband and i will have our “time” then if we want to travel more & will have paid our mortgage off before retirement age.

i know people who didn’t meet their partner until they were in their 30s and wanted it or who couldn’t afford to buy a house until their 30s. Some have struggled to have children as well. Yes some
of them may have more “memories” than me or seen places i never will but ultimately as i said i’ve never had much desire to travel or i would have. You have the rest of your life, a career & a family - you’re in a good place & many will envy that. Trust the decisions you made & your life how you want. Be grateful for it & don’t waste time comparing to others or wondering “what if” as you’ve plenty of time to make changes if you wish!

Just bravo!

Like you @Alliona , I was 24 when me and DP had DD.

DD is 18 this year, and I'll only be 42. Me and DP have all the freedom that we didn't have in our younger years, and whats more we've got the money to enjoy it.

I watch my peers running after toddlers in their 40s, and I just think "Thank fuck I got that out of the way early."

Comparison is the thief of joy and all that! Sounds like you have a lovely life OP. Find new friends who you can relate to. If you want to travel, then find a way to do it and DH can compromise, doesn't have to be backpacking. You're young. I'm quite envious that when you're in your early 40s you'll have grown up kids, be advanced in your career and can travel wherever you want!

I knew someone that was in your situation, only she married and had children younger than you. At the point where her colleagues were getting married and having babies in their thirties, her children were off to university and she was charging ahead with her career and doing what she wanted to do for herself.

As someone who had kids younger than you it’s the being a ‘normal’ aged mum bit in struggling with at the moment. I know I made my choices and of course there’s plus sides to having them younger as well but it’s a lonely thing to do and I’m missing the social side that a lot (not all I know) of late 20s and 30s mums get. It’s made every stage of parenthood a bit harder as well not having that.

Thats actually what I’d tell any teen considering pregnancy or parenthood. There’s things you’ll miss out on as a teen but actually even more you’ll be missing out on later.

You chose a life path path of marriage and children before your frontal lobe fully matured. You're locked in for now but that doesn't preclude you from having fun experiences later.

You can enjoy the journey you chose, and that's going to be different from others' choices. Yours is going to be family focused and stable and of necessity focused on meeting others' wants and needs as well as your own. It involves the maturity that you've developed and compromise with the important people in your life so you can meet your needs too.

Honestly, stop comparing or you’ll never be truly happy. Life really is what you make of it and there is no right or wrong. ❤️

We settled down later and travelled a lot before (solo, together and with friends) and have had an amazing life so far but the HV told me that older mums do tend to struggle because we’re so used to putting ourselves first for so long and having a lot of independence. Once you travel the world a lot that urge will never go away, but it gets more challenging with young children.

Look at the positives and how young you’ll still be once your children are more independent. You’ve forged a future career so should be financially stable and the world really will be your oyster later on! If you want to meet more like minded mums maybe try the app Peanut?

Your feelings are understandable, it’s always nice to have friends that are going through similar experiences which creates strong bonding so I sympathise that it’s tough going motherhood without close peers. However, you can’t change it so please focus on the full part of the glass… your lovely family! Having kids older can mean fertility issues (not fun) and ultimately you will get to know your children for so much longer of their life… what an amazing thing! These years might be tough but when your kids grow up and you can travel as much as you like (with your adult kids) we will be watching with envy!

Credit union loan!!

That's okay not to agree, like I said its whatever works for you. I'm happy with my decisions and my life and hope you are too x

Exactly, I wouldn't have wanted kids in my 20s, very happy having them in late 30s and last one ar 40, but that's not for everyone and nothing wrong at either age, it's what suits you..

The average age of people getting married in the UK is early 30s. But of course with averages there are outliers

Agree, don't really know anyone that married now that young in Ireland barr travelling community, maybe back in the 1980s it was more common.

Enjoy the lovely life you have X

Sounds like there are two issues here - one easy to solve and one that's harder .
The first is you comparing the one life you have chosen to the myriad lives of others. Some are falling in love (you've done that) some are at uni (you've done that too) some are off travelling (you can do that later.) If any one of us compares our life with many other lives, cherry picking from them, we feel dissatisfied. To overcome this, just ask yourself: do I want X's life, the whole package? X who has the freedom and excitement of online dating but actually meets a load of tossers (and with what aim in mind? Probably to end up happily married to a nice man. Which you are!) Or do you wish you were Y, an older mum, who has already had her freedom, but is shattered by the sleepless nights because it's way harder in your late 30s and 40s to cope with the physical demands of motherhood.

The tougher issue is you needing friends you can relate to. I suggest you don't try to find perfect matches, but just connect where you can, in any way that feels authentic and enjoyable and don't focus on the differences. If you want a night off, to let your hair down, go out with childless friends. If you want to chat about teething, do it with another mum with DC of similar age. If you pine to go travelling chat with older mums about where they'd recommend.

Your DC will be adults by the time you are forty. I had babies in nappies at that age. You will be so full of energy, fit and raring to go and best of all, you will know yourself well enough to know what you really want. So many of us bumble around in our twenties doing what others do, making painful mistakes. You will travel where you want to go, create a career you love, (which could start at any time, including now).

I did it your way Op, not as young as you and your DH but we were young enough when DC off our hands and we did our travelling et cetera then. We were able to travel in a little more comfort as well. Very sadly DH died all too young but we managed to pack everything in and now I am widowed there advantages of being a young grandma. You will be able to do all these things in your 40s as we did and now I’m 70 believe me that is young. Don’t worry, you’re not missing out…. You need to get on with it because if you do it later in life, your energy is running out

As others have said, when you reach the time you have a teenager and more freedom, you will appreciate your way sooo much. Not dealing with everything all at once in your 40s, having to go through stress of trying to find someone who actually wants to settle down in their 30s and so on.

I had my kids at 15 and 19 I'm 24 and would like a 3rd soon so that by the time I'm in my 40s I'm free to do what I want to do. I think you either have kids younger and enjoy your freedom older or have them older and enjoy your freedom when your younger as long as your not someone who gets pregnant both ends then you get a fair bit of time to travel and take up hobbies go out with friends etc. 24 isn't that young to have a baby and be married in my area that would be on the older side to be just starting out. When your kid starts school you will find lots of mum friends who are in the same age bracket as you.

I was married at 22, had my first at 26, second at 27, and my third at 29. It hasn't quite worked out that they're all independent because of SN, but it's still a nice stage of life.