To feel quite sad that I skipped my “young years”

[Alliona]

I’m 25, I got married at 22, had my now 10 month old at 24, I went to uni, I have a career ahead of me, my husband is amazing and loving and caring. We were friends from age 11, started dating at 15 and have been together since.

However lots of my peers are 20-27, people I went to school with, played sports with etc. and I can’t help envy them in many ways. They are on gap years, falling in love, going out etc. I love my husband and my little boy more than anything and I spent so much of my teens and early 20s focusing on getting here, but now I can’t help but feel like I’ve won the race but there is no one to celebrate with. I told one of my closest friends and she said that she looks forward to having what I have but for now js focused on enjoying the journey. Another friend is in the honeymoon phase of a relationship and travelling the world with his girlfriend and as I was a teen and we’d been friends before it was never really like that.

Im finding it hard to find people I really relate to, I have other friends who are young parents but they seem to lack stability, still live with parents etc., I have other friends who are older parents but they all seemed to do all their living before having kids and my friends who are my age just can’t relate to the stress of finding a nursery or teething. Equally I can’t relate to the stress of the dating scene, or the do we go to Thailand or Indonesia etc.

AIBU to feel like this? How do I handle it, it’s getting me really down and my husband just doesn’t relate, he says backpacking and hinge sound like his worst nightmare.

One of my best friends has been with her DH since she was 14 and had 3 children in teens & early 20s. She is now 45, has a career and plenty of spare cash and all her children are independent. She & her DH are living the life of reilly while the rest of us who scrabbled about making bad dating & financial decisions in our 20s and had kids in our 30s & early 40s are not free financially or responsibly.

It’s a shame you feel out of step with people your age, but the grass really is not greener. If you love your DH then focus on him and your family and what you enjoy doing. Make plans for fun stuff that excites you.

You might think that you’re missing out on travel but honestly, getting pissed up at a full moon party is not the best way to spend your 20s.You can take kids to far flung destinations if you want to travel now. But if not then plan for Thailand & Indonesia in your 40s!

You aren’t unreasonable- all feelings are valid. And sorry if I’ve misunderstood but what I get from your post is this is the life you wanted, career, children, marriage etc but that what you miss is friends who can relate to share it with as your friends are doing different things. Lots want your life but don’t have it, and I also think you will look back and be glad. Easier to take maternity when you are more ‘junior’ in your career and your kids will be teens when you are senior have more responsibility. There are also many single people in their thirties who partied their 20s away but now feel pressure to settle down and have kids and time is not on their side. Your feelings are valid but you need friends of similar life choices- could you make friends at a baby group? I’m 33 with a 7yo and 3yo so similar to you op

I had my kids lateish, mid thirties, as did most of my friends. Actually none had babies in their 20s even though many were in a position to do so. For me, I didn't know if I wanted kids and didn't meet DH til I was 30. And yes I did travel and live abroad a lot in my 20s, which was what I wanted to do, so I was lucky to be able to do that.

There are so many advantages of having kids young! You have more energy and you will have many years ahead of freedom. Also your parents will be younger and can enjoy their grandchild for longer. Mine were in their 70s when they became gp and haven't been very active with my dc - and now the DC are 11 and 13, their remaining gp are frail.

I'm 48 and my friends I and are juggling peri meno with kids and elderly parents, not to mention many of us have kids with autism / ADHD. And I know so many 50 something men having mid life crises. Obvs just my situation but there is a lot going in life at this stage, and it is much harder when you still have dependent kids.

OP, enjoy your lovely son and DH! I agree about finding likeminded friends - it may be difficult if all your current friends are at a different life stage.

Why do you need friends the same age as you though? Your friends are based on what you have in common at any given season of your life, it doesn't matter how old they are.

It sounds like the older parents are the ones who would be the closest match as the "at home raising kids" lifestyle is the most similar.

Married at 19 , child at 21 , mortgage late 20s .
Never been on a singles holiday , never had a girly weekend . Never played the field or had a ons .
I do feel I missed out on all that because I never really lived before I got married and settled down .

Divorced late 30s , met someone soon after ( still no single holidays , ons , shame ! )

Got married again , and have thought what ifs many a time .

That’s great for you.

I think the ‘you can have your freedom back when you are 40’ thing is a bit disingenuous. Of course you can have physical and practical freedom when the kids are older. But the ‘mental/emotional’ freedom of being in your early twenties (unless there is trauma/illness/other challenges) is hard to replicate in your 40s and 50s, however much money and time you have.

I think the first year of motherhood is really bloody hard, and you are still very young! I was 33 when I had my DD and I still felt similar to you, even then! It is completely okay for you to be feeling like this, but it sounds as though you have a lovely life and a happy home and those things will mature and develop with you. Have you been to mum and baby groups at all? There are so many different ones out there and you'll gain exposure to people whose stage in life more closely aligns with yours too.
Chin up, @Alliona - life is long and this is just a phase. Sending love 💕

The thing is, it's impossible to do everything! You can't be a young parent (I don't mean that to sounds insulting, by the way) and live the life of your free and single peers, but they can't live yours, either! While you are feeling slightly envious of their lifestyle, there may come a time when they are slightly envious of yours.

It's perfectly normal to wonder what might have been or wish for what we don't have and didn't do; there are many lives we could have led, given different circumstances.

I have to say as I am in my 50’s now, I thought my young life was all about ambition, being a career girl, holidays, clothes, travel.
Also not having a go at anyone who has kids over 40, you have a lot to offer in terms of life experience, but watching women who are my age dealing with teenage kids, the menopause, ill parents and working full-time, a lot of them are physically on their knees. It’s not a blanket statement, just an observation from conversations.
The friends who had kids at your age often had younger parents and now they are in their fifties they are enjoying good lifestyles and freedom in many ways. They love being grandparents when that happens, I know a few couples who are still together, their grown up kids are settled, and they are enjoying all sorts of adventures.
By having your children quite young yes you give up some freedoms. I didn’t want to, and hadn’t met the right person. For many reasons, I never had children and believe me if I could go back and meet myself at 22 I would say…. have them now!
There is no right or wrong. But while being young and free is fun, it also brings heartache, and if I could tell you the amount of money I wasted on that freedom…
That’s another story.
At some point in the future, your free friends may decide, some of them, that may want kids.
Some will come to you and tell you that they are struggling with it, they haven’t met the right person, and they are running out of time.
I hope if and when that happens you can show empathy, and you will, but you will be very grateful for the family you have created.

Yes - I had two kids at 38 and 39 and it was the right time for me. It meant I had established myself financially and enjoyed my youth. But each to their own

Strong relate.

Married at 21, first child 22, second 26. Spent a good part of my 20's and 30's feeling resentful and envious of friends living it up.
Now in my 50s, kids grown up. Freedom and young enough to enjoy it with a lot more money than my younger self would have had. I know you can't wish your life away waiting for a time when you have more choices, but try to appreciate each day. You have a loving caring husband - lots don't have that. You can still enjoy free time & plan trips. In the blink of an eye your little one will be at school and you'll have more time for yourself. Dont waste your life thinking that the grass is greener. It's really not.

But if you had your kids at 40 (I did) you didn't have to deal with toddlers in your 20s and 20s. So it's just different- we had free time then,you have it now

I think one of the huge potential benefits of having children younger is how much longer you could get to see them grow up. Obviously there are no guarantees in life, so not something to do this solely for lol, but I'm potentially going to see my children reach 60+ which would be wonderful!! I may even get to see them be grandparents themselves.

This post evoked thoughts of 'if I knew then what I know now'. An abusive, controlling marriage to an emotional bully did result in two fabulous children and I could never deny them.........just saying

Wait until you get to your 40’s and 50’s, it really will be fabulous. It’s so nice having grown up DC and to be in a good financial situation.

Really? How many married 22 year olds do you know? The only married 22 year olds in Ireland are in the travelling community.

Don't worry about what other people have, just enjoy what you have now. By the time your son is heading off to work/uni and financial independence you and your DH will be in your early 40s. You'll be DINK just when your salaries start to improve. You can plan an exciting future without having to worry about starting a family.

It's really important not to feel hard done by, you don't want to waste your precious young family time looking over your fence feel resentful at what other people have. If you enjoy what you have now you'll be able to look back in your 60s, remember how you felt starting out as a young family and feel gratitude instead of resentment.

I got married in my teens, first of 3 babies whilst still a teen. Did i miss out on clubbing, care fee holidays etc, yes i did and i did feel a little sad about BUT and i tis a big but, i am now mid 50s, i have my Grandchildren, i see my children enjoying their children and feel so lucky to be part of their adult life. My Mum died mid 50s, she had me late in life and only lived long enough to meet my first child. My Sister died mid 50s, her youngest was still at school. in the last year i have lost too many friends all mid 50 to early 60s. One died the day before his first Grandchild arrived in the world. Another died last week, her Daughters wedding is next month. My point is you do not know how your life will pan out, you might feel you have missed out but so will many of your friends who wait until the are 40 to have their children, they may miss out on so much of their family life.
You are blessed to have a healthy child and hopefully will enjoy his company as adults.

Comparison is the thief of joy. There are pros and cons to having children early/late. You are where you are and it won’t always be like this. Have you got family support? Can you take up a hobby or sport - to get you out and about meeting people?

I get it OP but honestly no one else's life is perfect and many 27 year old women will envy or at least aspire to what you have.

I was "old before my time" for various reasons - parents who were very sniffy about travelling and partying, I met my husband when I was 21 and got settled down much earlier than I had expected. I then spent age 23-29 studying and retraining as a lawyer so I hardly went out and didn't see my friends much. Then promptly had my first baby at 30. I feel like I've been doing sensible older person stuff all my life and I have had times where I felt like I wished id had a crazier time in my younger years.

But I'm now 50, married 25 years and actually I'm happy with everything and glad how things turned out.

I'll add that those who have their kids young get a second youth in their 40s when they leave home. (This won't be me either as I had my youngest at 40!) A girl in my class at school had a baby while still in her teens but by 35 she was having wild adventures like riding a motorbike through Thailand etc!

There are just pros and cons to both. I'm just highlighting that there will be a time when her friends who have children later will envy her position of freedom, as she does theirs now

Well, that's life if you do all the settling down things when you're barely out of your teens <shrug>

I'm sure there are plenty of people your age who feel the same, and plenty of people who left that till later who regret leaving it so long too.

You're unreasonable in that this was a choice you made, but you're not unreasonable because no one has a crystal ball. Acknowledge you feel like this, accept you can't do anything about it except for plan for the future, and put it to bed.

It’s true that you don’t get your youth back. It’s a special time and there’s some experiences that only happen during that ‘coming of age’ stage of life.

But you are likely to be with your children and grandchildren for much longer than average and you will be very grateful for that later in life. And you are young enough to grow your family to the size you want.

It's true though. Rudeness is subjective.