To feel quite sad that I skipped my “young years”

[Alliona]

I’m 25, I got married at 22, had my now 10 month old at 24, I went to uni, I have a career ahead of me, my husband is amazing and loving and caring. We were friends from age 11, started dating at 15 and have been together since.

However lots of my peers are 20-27, people I went to school with, played sports with etc. and I can’t help envy them in many ways. They are on gap years, falling in love, going out etc. I love my husband and my little boy more than anything and I spent so much of my teens and early 20s focusing on getting here, but now I can’t help but feel like I’ve won the race but there is no one to celebrate with. I told one of my closest friends and she said that she looks forward to having what I have but for now js focused on enjoying the journey. Another friend is in the honeymoon phase of a relationship and travelling the world with his girlfriend and as I was a teen and we’d been friends before it was never really like that.

Im finding it hard to find people I really relate to, I have other friends who are young parents but they seem to lack stability, still live with parents etc., I have other friends who are older parents but they all seemed to do all their living before having kids and my friends who are my age just can’t relate to the stress of finding a nursery or teething. Equally I can’t relate to the stress of the dating scene, or the do we go to Thailand or Indonesia etc.

AIBU to feel like this? How do I handle it, it’s getting me really down and my husband just doesn’t relate, he says backpacking and hinge sound like his worst nightmare.

This is one of the fascinating things. Where I grew up, 24 would be quite old for starting out as well. But where I live now, women aged 34 are practically teen mums.

I think if you really want you can also back pack with young kids - or travel in some way. Rent your house, take a sabbatical… traveling with little ones is great.
but that’s if your really desperate - your time will
come when they’re older and you’re still feeling young!
I hope you can manage to go out/ party/ club at times too. May not be weekly!! But I’m sure you can incorporate it into your life so you are getting some of what you want x

I had my first at 20, I spent my whole 20s feeling different, I didn’t go out as much as my friends, but I also prefer home anyway. Had my second in my 30s, and although I’m still at the baby phase, I actually would have preferred to have had all of mine in my 20s, lock my womb by 30 - as in hindsight I’ve caught up with all of my friends - we all have decent jobs, a good life - and I feel like I’m done with my family.

The main pluses of a young family are - you grow with your children, by the time they are teens, you are also young (I had a glimpse of some freedom before my second surprise came) and I find it harder in my 30s because I’ve created a system for myself and there is way more adjusting to do. I didn’t have much of a life at 20 and so I got on with parenting. Worked part time whilst she was young - whereas now I really feel the impact of putting my career on hold.

Your feelings are valid but I hope that I’ve highlighted that although everyone is having children much older for different reasons, there are still a group of young mums and there is nothing wrong with the lifestyle if you turned out alright and are happy x

I think we all grieve growing older, growing up. Having children is a strong reminder of mortality - their lives just beginning, yours part way through and many choices closed to you.

I had children in my 20s and sometimes when I worry I had them too early I think:

• However long I live, I'll get that extra time with them. So if I were to die in my 40s, having children in my 20s would have been a fantastic decision vs having them in my late 30s / early 40s. But even if I make it to 100, I'll still have had extra healthy years with them, and not only them, but any grandchildren I may have.

• I think that by having children early, I've given my children the freedom to have children later in their own lives, with less or no consideration for my age

• I will have more freedom again, later on my life and at that time I will also have freedom from being poor and having to establish my career. So hard life now, easy life to look forward to later also with my adult children and possibly grandchildren. So many many people are young and free, but they can't do anything with it because they are poor.

• This my sound arrogant but I honestly think I've sorted of crafted/moulded my husband into a better-for-me man by being together from such a young age. Sometimes people grow apart as they mature but sometimes they grow into each other. And we don't have any baggage.

• I think about an alternative reality, where I didn't settle down, have the children young etc and that which I truly value the most - which is my family, my children - might never have happened for me. This happens to a lot of women who want children. Because becoming a parent was of such extreme importance to me (personally, not for everyone) it was the right decision for me to minimise chances of it not happening for one reason or another.

• You still have freedom because of your youth. You're still actually very young. If you find you deeply love raising children then you've got time to do it twice, in two batches. Or, you can widely and evenly space your children far apart. Not many people can if they start older. Or, if that's not to your liking you can finish your childbearing years still in your 20s and have a much free-er period whilst still young in your 40s. Time and energy to pursue an entirely different career, or travel. So you do have a freedom of choice that other's don't. It's just a different type.

I would try to remember you have a very young baby and frankly no matter how old or young the parents this stage of parenting feels relentless and exhausting and boring and like you don’t know who you are any more.

pros and cons to having a family early and having one late, to be Frank not many people I know had a choice in the matter, they fell in love when they did and that then set the course thereafter. There’s little control we have over these things and you only get to live the life you do so just enjoy the ride and make the most of it

Thank you, you too!

OP, I had my first at 20 and my third at 28.
it was difficult with my first - I didn’t really have anything in common with other young mums and my friends were all off at uni etc.
i was quite lonely.

we went travelling for a year when my second was 8 months, it was great!

and when my middle and youngest were at primary school I finally met my tribe and made some great friends.

now I’m (very!) late 40s, I have friends from college who have primary aged children and one who has a five year old. Now I really do feel like I’ve ’won the race’!
DP (children’s dad) and I are planning travels, we have lots of adventures, lie ins, focus on career and travel…it’s great.
hang on in there!

IMO this feeling gets worse as you get older. I met DH at 17, living together at 18 and married at 24. (Two amazing) kids before 30.
I've done all the tick list things, learning to drive, degree, career, great house and I feel it more now especially as there's no next thing really on my list.
I'm 40 and often wish I had lived alone/travelled/dated etc most of my friends have young babies and toddlers whilst mine are secondary school.
Is it really worth doing anything about though?

Never too late, you're still young enough to do lots of things x

I'm 40 and often wish I had lived alone/travelled/dated etc most of my friends have young babies and toddlers whilst mine are secondary school.

I think this is reflective of your relationship not your age. I feel the opposite 2 decades in, I am so, so grateful I met my husband when I did. I cherish our relationship and feel so lucky to have met him when I did and had all these years and experiences together. If you feel like you've wanted to live alone and dated other people, I suspect your DH isn't really a good match? (Or at least, not anymore). Even if our relationship/we changed in future, I've been so happy in my 20s and 30s and no one could take that from me.

I’m more asking why you think you’ve “won the race”. I think you are part of a race that no one else knew they were in. Getting married and having children shouldn’t be thought of as a race. For some people, they don’t want it at all. Surely you only know you’ve “won” at life when you reach an old age and you can say you’ve generally been happy and don’t have any significant regrets. Surely that’s a win?

I had a friend years ago wh had her children at 22 and 24 (15 month gap). She was ALWAYS going on about how glad she was she had her babies young. She would be free in her 40s to enjoy herself and her husband and they were planning on travel and cruises and early retirement. She used to say to the rest of us “are you not worried about leaving it too late? I would hate to be an old mum. You really should focus more on finding a husband “. It was actually quite upsetting at the time to some of us as yes we did worry about it.

Anyway fast forward 20 odd years. Her youngest has a severe disability. Will never live independently. Her marriage broke down due to the stress. She’s skint and stressed all the time and is definitely not spending her 40s as she thought 20 years ago. One of our friends suffered infertility but finally conceived at 43. Has a wonderful little girl who both parents love and they are just happy to have her even though they are older parents.
I myself never managed to conceive. It was fucking hard emotionally but me and my husband are coming to terms with it just being us and enjoy travel and lots of night out!
One friend never wanted children. Has a lovely husband who also didn’t want them. They are planning on retiring and travelling at 50.

Who here has won the race? They’re all just very different paths that have good and bad points. I’m sure they all have some regrets and wish things had been different in some parts if their lives. Plus things could change dramatically. Any of them could get ill meaning all their plans go up in smoke.

Everyone just has to make the best out of their choices and circumstances. Some will make better choices and have better luck than others. Life isn’t always fair and is often based on luck.

Well it's interesting OP didn't return.

Well said!!

We were married at 22, and have now been married for 47 years. It's great to look back on all we have shared and worked on together. Both our kids are in their 40s, and single, and both have friends who have broken marriages, kids who are difficult, money worries. My advice, be grateful for what you have and enjoy your time together. It soon goes.

It's normal to feel like you've missed out, especially as you dated from so early.

I had schoolmates who married young and for some reason felt sorry for them.

The period from leaving hime, being single, learning to be independent, finding yourself, dating, meeting your future dh and getting married is such a journey like no other.

I think if I'd left home straight to a man, I'd feel like I missed some steps.

I have a friend who's daughter has just moved from home to live with a guy. Again, I feel sad for her for some reason.

However, having said that, if you're happily married and your husband is too, then be thankful you found each other.

It's similar to those wgo had kids and then wish they didnt have them.

There's no knowing at the time, so don't beat yourself up with what could have been.

Some people search a lifetime for a partner.

Just to add a bit of of a different perspective from those that I’ve read…
I’m the daughter of the young mum, she was 18 when she fell pregnant, 19 when she married and had me and a few years later my brother came along. She always said that she loved the early years when they weren’t used to having much and she was mum. As we got older she was back at work and then in her 40’s she went to university and loved it, most of the people she was studying with were more my age but as she’d always been the cool mum she had a blast! Unfortunately for us she passed due to cancer in her 50’s but we had a full life with her. It just shows that you never know what will happen, and comparison is always the thief of joy x

I think how your feeling is totally valid. But you're not able to see what's ahead. Yes there's a certain wilderness and freedom that happens in your 20s but by the time you hit your late 30s/40s - and that feels old to you now but trust me it won't when you get there - your children will be of an age where you can re-discover that freedom, travel, go out etc. It they have kids, your more likely to see them grow up etc. One day you'll be so glad of this.

In the meantime, know that the first year or two is hard and claustrophobic no matter what age you are, you'll feel less like this in a year or two, right now you're very much in the thick of the all encompassing bit where you feel all mum and little else.

My best advice right now is to take baby to some baby classes and you'll meet other mums at the same stage as you. I met a lovely group and we WhatsApp each other every day, support each other etc.

Best of luck....it will feel a bit crappy now but let yourself have a moment every now and then but try to see the amazing blessings you have

You have many young years to go. In my 20s used to think that turning 30 never mind 40 would be the end of everything, but now over 60 I know for certain it wasn't. There is always something new to do or achieve. Try not to end up poor. As for your friends having fun, for them it will also end, mostly not by choice.

Life is a funny old thing. There's no right or wrong way to do it, no set order, and the only guarantee is that we don't make it out alive.
I think you're in a very fortunate position, having a stable relationship, a child, career all sorted before your 30s.

When you are in your 40s and your kids are grown, you’ll be super happy while your friends are still on the school run. I had my kids young and found it hard at the time but I’m so glad now

You didn't 'win' the race. It's not a race. You do you. Other people do them.

Try and enjoy what you have and your own journey and stop looking for people who will 'get' you. Noone will. We r all different. Just enjoy the friends you have, make new ones through nursery/school/mum meets and stop comparing or seeking.

Just enjoy and forget the whole 'race' thing. There is no end goal, and it doesn't matter how fast everyone does whatever section of their journeys. Some people get married young then divorce and start again. Others stay with the same partner from 14 to 80 and others only find love in their 50s. It doesn't matter. It really really is not a competition, a race or anything to compare with others.

Just do you and let others do them

Have a gap year with your baby. Go clubbing with your friends while your husband minds the baby. You can do the young person things too just not 24/7.

I felt like this sometimes when my DC was a baby. I have been with my partner since 18, and had my DC at 27 (not as young as you, but in my circles it's more typical to have them at 37!).

I'd encourage you to reframe the situation not as you missing out on life, but on you getting to live life with your family. It's a myth - perhaps rooted in misogyny - that autonomous life ends for a woman when she has DC, and a new life of service begins. Instead your life expands to include DC. Sure, there's limits on what you can do when they're tiny, but as soon as they're a bit bigger you can go travelling together, you can build your career, you can go out for the evening. You just have to committ to prioritising the things that you want out of your life, and enjoy doing them with your family.

Having kids youngish and feeling like you're still in the process of building your life can be stressful, but it can also be exciting. I very much feel like I'm still right in the thick of living my life, and I'm grateful I get to have my lovely DC at the same time.

And you and your husband can go traveling when you're in your 40s and they won't be able. I would have suggested you wait a few years between university and starting a family but you didn't.

Flipside: I'm 42, my youngest is only 4, I'm exhausted. Wish I had done it younger. Also my career has totally tanked. Might have been easier to do kids first and then have a clear run at it afterwards