To feel quite sad that I skipped my “young years”

[Alliona]

I’m 25, I got married at 22, had my now 10 month old at 24, I went to uni, I have a career ahead of me, my husband is amazing and loving and caring. We were friends from age 11, started dating at 15 and have been together since.

However lots of my peers are 20-27, people I went to school with, played sports with etc. and I can’t help envy them in many ways. They are on gap years, falling in love, going out etc. I love my husband and my little boy more than anything and I spent so much of my teens and early 20s focusing on getting here, but now I can’t help but feel like I’ve won the race but there is no one to celebrate with. I told one of my closest friends and she said that she looks forward to having what I have but for now js focused on enjoying the journey. Another friend is in the honeymoon phase of a relationship and travelling the world with his girlfriend and as I was a teen and we’d been friends before it was never really like that.

Im finding it hard to find people I really relate to, I have other friends who are young parents but they seem to lack stability, still live with parents etc., I have other friends who are older parents but they all seemed to do all their living before having kids and my friends who are my age just can’t relate to the stress of finding a nursery or teething. Equally I can’t relate to the stress of the dating scene, or the do we go to Thailand or Indonesia etc.

AIBU to feel like this? How do I handle it, it’s getting me really down and my husband just doesn’t relate, he says backpacking and hinge sound like his worst nightmare.

I totally get the 'missing out' feeling. I had kids young..but no university, just dead end jobs to look forward to.
Your kids will fly the nest much earlier than friends starting later, but make sure you are financially sorted. Keep working, save like no tomorrow.
I had lofty ideas of travel freedom once the kids grew up but hadn't factored in DHs ill health, caring role for DGP, all meaning my working capacity was reduced. Starting again at 40 is no joke.
Now fast approaching 60 without even starting to realise my dreams. Stuck in low paid work.

Not unreasonable but bide your time. You can go backpacking etc later. You could go with your children when they are teens/young adults.

It’s that “opportunity cost” thing, isn’t it, but with life years instead of money. If you spend your money on one thing, then you forego all the other choices you might have made. You are lucky that you have the imagination and intelligence to be able to think about your life choices. It is part of asking who you really are, part of the continuous growing up process we go through (if we are as thoughtful as you). There are (I am told) seven deadly sins. Is “regret” an eighth one? I don’t think so, but it is not a useful and constructive feeling. Are you r e a l l y regretting anything?

It is unusually young now, at least in my
circles!

I had my kids at 37 and 38 and I really regret not doing it younger. I realise now having kids is the best time of my life and I’m gutted I won’t be around as long for them because I didn’t have them younger. I had all that free time in my younger years but really I think it was wasted, honestly things aren’t always as good as they seem. Try and meet some like minded friends through toddler groups etc. also try and get out more to socialise with your current friendship groups. But honestly your not really missing anything, you have the most important things.

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say I was a single parent at 25 then went to university and had a career. I'm glad I was a younger parent and I am now a youngish grandmother to adult and teenage grandchildren. the things I could have done when young, like travelling, I did when I was in my 40s and 50s.

I regret nothing.

I had all my twenties travelling, getting drunk, boyfriends etc. I met my husband, got married and just had our first baby at 31. This is soooo much better than my twenties. The things your friends are doing appear exciting and fun, and they are, but it’s also incredibly anxiety inducing and rootless. I am so settled, content and surrounded by love now. It’s the best and I’ve never been happier - I see friends in their late 30s still trying to find a decent man and it’s slim pickings

I sometimes regret not having kids earlier for various reasons (for example so they could have their parents for longer, and us not being "elderly" when they're still young adults). But then we did have some amazing holidays and experiences so I'm not sure I'd change it if I could. Maybe just wish I'd met my husband a bit earlier. Anyway: there are pros and cons to everything, I think it's amazing that you can have grown up children in your early 40s and do long haul flights to any destination you want - 40s probably seems like an old age to you now but when you get there, you'll love having that freedom.

I'm a bit like you @SallyWD
Only I enjoyed my party lifestyle BK (before kids), A LOT and didn't see it as a waste. So much so that when I discovered I was pregnant with DC2 and realised I wasn't going to have a 40th birthday celebration how I wanted to, I hated the fact I was pregnant. Hated that I wasn't going to have the party of the year/decade! But why? I had this amazing chance at having another child, not every woman does (who wants one).
Why? Because I wasn't going to be able to get wankered and party like a rockstar. That's why and I hated myself for it. I hated that I was pregnant but then hated myself even more.

@Alliona you need to stop comparing your life to that of your friends. As someone else said, this is the life you chose and you have the best of all.... You never really lose who you are so when your child is older you'll be able to do the things that you grieve for now. Maybe even with them.
I want to take mine to Raver Tots 🥳 I know they'd love it and so will I because raving is a part of me.

Another thing @SallyWD touched on is having young children in the perimenopause part of your life. Fuck me: WHY DID NO ONE TALK ABOUT IT???? WHY DID NO ONE WARN US????
Hormones (or lack of), what a wallop it is. In hindsight I think I would have started our family earlier but it is what it is. I'm very aware of this and my DP of 15 years is supportive but yeah.... Look at your lovely family and breathe it in.
You're blessed and richer for having them

You don't sound like you're enjoying motherhood at all

You're doing the childbearing stuff early so you'll be missing out on other aspects of life right now but can hopefully catch up with that when your child has flown the nest.
Some including me and my friends have done it the other way round, had our fun then got stuck into sucking up the child rearing. No one is wrong here, it's not a competition, just how it's all fallen into place.

I'd be interested to read any studies which may indicate which group is more content/successful but I expect they will be broadly similar.

Do I?
I love it; becoming a mum is the best thing I've ever done.
My first born made me, my second child completed me.
At around 22 weeks I started to enjoy being pregnant again, once my body looked pregnant and not just bigger and when baby2 started moving.... I realised how stupid I was to feel the way I did during the first trimester. As for the labour.... Best experience of my life giving birth to #2. Had a terrible time after with pnd and didn't bond properly with her for a very long time but I can definitely say that I love being a mum

Ah that's lovely, enjoy every minute x

The grass isn’t greener, everyone is just experiencing different things at different times. Compare and despair! Get off social media while you feeling this way so you are not fuelling your feelings looking at your friend’s travels around Thailand etc.

It seems you were very focussed on your end goal, but you will hopefully have the possibility to do other things as well when your DC is older.

I don’t think you have to be the same as everyone around you to find common ground or even to switch your focus to be curious and engage in their different experiences.

Perhaps it would be good to have a few sessions with a counsellor to work through some of your feelings?