To feel quite sad that I skipped my “young years”

[Alliona]

I’m 25, I got married at 22, had my now 10 month old at 24, I went to uni, I have a career ahead of me, my husband is amazing and loving and caring. We were friends from age 11, started dating at 15 and have been together since.

However lots of my peers are 20-27, people I went to school with, played sports with etc. and I can’t help envy them in many ways. They are on gap years, falling in love, going out etc. I love my husband and my little boy more than anything and I spent so much of my teens and early 20s focusing on getting here, but now I can’t help but feel like I’ve won the race but there is no one to celebrate with. I told one of my closest friends and she said that she looks forward to having what I have but for now js focused on enjoying the journey. Another friend is in the honeymoon phase of a relationship and travelling the world with his girlfriend and as I was a teen and we’d been friends before it was never really like that.

Im finding it hard to find people I really relate to, I have other friends who are young parents but they seem to lack stability, still live with parents etc., I have other friends who are older parents but they all seemed to do all their living before having kids and my friends who are my age just can’t relate to the stress of finding a nursery or teething. Equally I can’t relate to the stress of the dating scene, or the do we go to Thailand or Indonesia etc.

AIBU to feel like this? How do I handle it, it’s getting me really down and my husband just doesn’t relate, he says backpacking and hinge sound like his worst nightmare.

You haven't won a race. You've just done things differently which is fine, it sounds like you need to learn to be content with what you have since this is what you wanted.

@Piloom you're comparing yourself to 2 people with quite challenging situations very far from my own. I'm married and enjoyed my 20s with a family, good career etc. My mum purely meant I was having a tough time but my friends would be there one day too and I can breathe a sigh of relief that it's not me when it happens, and she was damn right!

I'm 34 and I am extremely grateful I had my 13 yo and 11 yo in my 20s.

*happily married

I was married at 25 and dc shortly after. My dc is now a mid teen and I'm 41. I have a lot of freedom. I have friends who had their dc late 30's and are still dealing with nappies. So it's swings and roundabouts. I wouldn't want to be in their position, however they've told me that in hindsight they would rather have had their dc younger and be in my position.

Wow that’s a low blow! How unkind. Or is it jealousy in her forties she gets her life back?.

OP your life was/is my dream, but caring responsibilities, ivf and endometriosis meant I couldn’t have children till my late thirties. Enjoy the life you have built for yourself and then enjoy the freedom when it comes.

I don't think it's unusual to have feelings of 'what if' for the road you didn't take. And I also think it's hard when you have babies out of step with your peers, whether it's much earlier or much later.

But there are lots of advantages to having a stable relationship from a young age. I did too, though I waited til 30 to have a baby, and it meant eg. we were able to get on the property ladder young.

Sometimes I would look at friends in the first throes of a new relationship and feel a bit wistful. But then I would also see people going through horrendous break-ups, having to navigate complicated situations with second marriages etc and I'm grateful that we've stayed the course so far.

I also think that some of this has arisen from ticking off so many life milestones in such a short amount of time. I graduated uni, went backpacking, got engaged, bought a property and married in 2.5 years. I definitely felt flat afterwards as I had spent so much time working towards things that were now over. I suspect there's some of that going on for you too.

I think you should take this feeling seriously, listen to it, and find some ways of keeping some ‘fun/young’ stuff in your life. Eg one evening off a month doing something that appeals to the ‘young/fun’ side of you (I’m too old to know what that might be - an early rave night?).

Take your kid to a festival. Go inter-railing with your kid. Without your bloke if he’s not interested! Hold off having a second, at a guess, cos all these ideas get much harder with two.

With friendships, try and keep the connection you have with the ones you have and look for new ones to fill any gaps. Eg talk about mum’s stuff with other mums. Talk about movies, tv, culture wiyh friends without kids. Don’t feel like you need the perfect friend to meet all your needs. You just need to find ways to meet your needs from lots of different people.

It's definitely unusual. In 2023, the average age for a woman to get married in the UK was 33. That age has has been increasing every year since the 70's.

Also having started a family young, I think like this sometimes. What I tell myself is, you can't live every version of life. We are extremely lucky to be safe, healthy, happy and surrounded by love. Make plans to have adventures in your 40s and beyond!

Honestly I turned 40 and was talking to a woman in the hairdressers also turning 40. She had a toddler and mine are all in secondary. My plans for this year involve travelling and generally having a good time. I can go away with friends, stay out late and have hangovers because teenagers sleep in and can get their own breakfast. I’m not smug about it the woman my age with a toddler is a lot more restricted. I also know that I’ve got at least 20 more years working and it’s unlikely I’ll have any kids at home when I do which has its own advantages.

Ah, OP, the grass is always greener.

Some of your friends who are the same age as you will never meet the right person.

Or they'll be internet dating in their 30s and eventually meet a man but then need loads of IVF to conceive. (I'm late 30s and practically everyone I know my own age who doesn't already have children is doing IVF now.)

However you choose to spend your life there will be some compromises. A year off travelling probably delays you getting on the property ladder for two or more years. Pursuing a career which involves a lot of moving around makes it difficult to sustain a relationship. Having a baby when you're young means missing out on a lot of nights out and holidays with friends, and less disposable income. You really can't have it all.

Try to focus on the things you love about your life, and if you really feel there is something missing, try to figure out whether you can make it happen. That might mean getting your husband to stay at home with the baby while you go for a night out (or even a weekend away) with your friends. It might mean planning to do some adventurous travelling with your kids in 10 years' time. I know two women who have taken their preteen children travelling. One took them out of school for a year and went to India. Another took her child hiking in South America for 6 weeks in the summer holidays because she regretted not doing anything like that when she was young.

You won't be able to do things with the same spontaneity now you have a child, but it doesn't mean you can't have fun.

MN tend to disapprove of ‘young’ mums (they also don’t approve of old ones!) but I think there’s two ways of doing this and one if have your family young and have ‘free’ forties and the other is to have your family ‘old’(er) and have your twenties free. Neither are wrong.

I had mine young. I’m in my sixties now with grown up children, all owning their own homes, grandchildren and I’m young enough to be enjoying life, going on holiday whenever we like, seeing friends. It’s brilliant. My friends who had children later still have kids at home of university and are still in the thick of it.

I enjoyed the film Look Both Ways OP, a sliding doors type film, showed how she lived a fulfilled life getting pregnant, and not getting pregnant, straight out of college.

I thought you were going to say you were in your 70s?!
I still think I'm pretty young in my mid 40s. It's never too late to have fun. In fact some of my retired mates are having the time of their lives.
You are still so young. With so many things to see and do. Once the kids are in school you can have more freedom. But always try and make time for something you enjoy, or if someone asks you to do something new, say yes!

I don't really agree with that to be honest, I'm 53, met husband 25, went travelling then, came back, got married, most of my friends got married in late 20s and 30s and all still married, happily I don't know😊 I think everyone does different at different paces, there's no right or wrong answer, but I am sorry OP is struggling, I've lots of friends that are single too, I don't think being married at a specific times stops you making friends with people at all walk of life, I think life would be boring if you only were friends with people exactly like you

Is it a low blow? This is AIBU and OP wanted opinions, or are pp's only allowed to comment if they are agreeing with OP that she made the right choice when getting married and having a baby young?

Not every woman dreams of marriages and babies, certainly not in their 20's so why would pp be jealous?

How did you all afford to go travelling in your twenties? I was permanently skint then!

@redandpinkandwhite remember this is MN it's all Vietnam and Thailand before becoming a high flyer in the City, and settling down in Surrey with their similarly high flying husband

If you did anything else, you wasted your 20s.

My ex H's friends who settled later, had children later tell him how lucky he was to have front loaded all the heavy parenting responsibilities when young.

Positives : you have more energy for sleepless nights.
You ll be done with play centres by your 30s.
You can bring the kids on adventure holidays and it will be new for all of you.

You ll possibly be a young gran.

Your soon to be teenagers can help with the older generation and will remember them. You won't be sandwiched between two generations who both need you/drain u at the same time.

Kids will be financially independent at a younger age for you.

It’s not a race. Everyone wants different things in life. I met my dh at 22 and walked away 20 years later. I look back and realise I did it way too young. I also went to uni when older. There is no perfect but I’m happier this way for sure.

@Alliona I can't believe I am the first to say "Comparison is the thief of joy"

Enjoy where you are. You are young and have plenty of live to live. Just because it looks different than other peoples doesn't mean anything.

Often on social media or in catch ups with ppl you get the glossy highlights and instagram-able holidays and pics.
You aren't seeing the bad days, loneliness, broodiness etc you are only seeing the curated life they are showing.
The reality might be very different and you are going to find plenty of people wishing they had what you have.

Appreciate it and the life you are making!!

You'll feel the other side of this when you have exhausted friends in their late thirties being kept up by toddlers who can't be left alone for 5 minutes and you can have a grown-up conversation with your older teen and send them to the shop to pick something up!

Exactly this, OP.
Also, you haven't skipped anything: these are your young years. I know it's easier said than done but count your blessings and stop comparing your life to others'.
(Pro tip: delete instagram 😉)