To feel quite sad that I skipped my “young years”

[Alliona]

I’m 25, I got married at 22, had my now 10 month old at 24, I went to uni, I have a career ahead of me, my husband is amazing and loving and caring. We were friends from age 11, started dating at 15 and have been together since.

However lots of my peers are 20-27, people I went to school with, played sports with etc. and I can’t help envy them in many ways. They are on gap years, falling in love, going out etc. I love my husband and my little boy more than anything and I spent so much of my teens and early 20s focusing on getting here, but now I can’t help but feel like I’ve won the race but there is no one to celebrate with. I told one of my closest friends and she said that she looks forward to having what I have but for now js focused on enjoying the journey. Another friend is in the honeymoon phase of a relationship and travelling the world with his girlfriend and as I was a teen and we’d been friends before it was never really like that.

Im finding it hard to find people I really relate to, I have other friends who are young parents but they seem to lack stability, still live with parents etc., I have other friends who are older parents but they all seemed to do all their living before having kids and my friends who are my age just can’t relate to the stress of finding a nursery or teething. Equally I can’t relate to the stress of the dating scene, or the do we go to Thailand or Indonesia etc.

AIBU to feel like this? How do I handle it, it’s getting me really down and my husband just doesn’t relate, he says backpacking and hinge sound like his worst nightmare.

he says backpacking and hinge sound like his worst nightmare

Your DH sounds like he has a good sense of humour!

There's no absolutely "right" time to do anything, but you've made choices that were open to you, and there will be many advantages, OP.

I did have a gap year, and travelled in university holidays (including with now-DH) and we also had our first child in our 20s - I was 27, DH a year younger. That's not unusually young in any broad social or historical context, but it was among my school, university and professional friends, I was the first by a number of years. And I did lose some friends, not from anything drastic, but because our lives had just diverged. I did carry on with my career, and I'm very glad I did.

Now DS1 is 19, DS2 is 10, and things are very good indeed. DH and I are both enjoying our work, both our sons are lovely, great fun, fantastic company, and if DS1 wakes up at night it's a him problem, he's at university now.

It also meant they've both had a close and rewarding relationship with their grandparents - my parents were mid 50s when DS1 was born, and did lots of exciting and fun things with both boys. When DS1 got back from a gap year trip last summer, he chose to go and stay for a week with my parents, for example, because he wanted to.

My sister had a baby last year, aged 40, and while there are all sorts of advantages to that timing too, all his grandparents are mid 70s to 80s now.

A lot of my professional friends in particular are now in their mid 40s with children who are under primary age, and while I'm sure they also made good choices for good reasons, one disadvantage of that is that they are more likely to be trying to combine elderly/frail parents with toddlers, and it's more tiring chasing 2 year olds in your 40s.

There's no right or wrong option. I was with my now husband all through my early 20s til we got married at 32, just didn't feel the need to marry before and didn't want kids then as we were living in London, travelling, just being free really and enjoying life. We have an 18 month old at 36 and now I sometimes think its a shame I won't know him as long as I could have had i had him younger, though of course he'd be a different child if we had a child younger. There's no right and wrong.

Maybe just looks at what you think you're missing and inject a bit of it into your life, like some trips and some nights out sometimes. What you're doing is an adventure. What I did was an adventure. Comparison is the thief of joy :)

I guarantee you if you were single and childless (but wanted those things) you’d be envying the friends who had those.

For a lot of people the prize at the end of their single journey is a partner and child.

You have (hopefully) years and years to enjoy a freer life once your child has reached adulthood. You will still be more than young enough to enjoy it.

I was one of the last of my friends to have babies (35) and wish I had been in a position to have them when I was younger and had more energy and a bigger support network.

I don't really agree with that if I'm honest.

You’re not unreasonable to feel this way. I had my son at 21 and none of my friends had children for years. I very much felt that they were still out ‘living life’ while I was missing out. EVERYONE has aspects of their life that they think they would want to change. But just remember this,

Comparison is the thief of joy.

You are happy, you love your husband you love your kids you have a happy life, the I stand you start comparing yourself to others is when the joy is lost. Try not to do it.

im now 38 and my DS will be 18 soon. The last 5 years or so have been brilliant as we’ve done a lot of the things I thought I missed out on. Except we’ve been able to do it better, because I’m more financially stable with a higher earning career.

and NOW I look at my friends who are having kids and think, “wow, thank GOD I’m not having to do the nappies and sleepless nights at this stage!”

be kind to yourself.

I'm not comparing myself to anyone. I did what was right for me, and spent my 20s and 30s fucking around, making friends, trying things, moving countries whenever I felt like it, racking up a lot of degrees and putting a lot of energy into my job. That wouldn't be for everyone, obviously, but I've no regrets at all on that stuff.

I am simply saying that my only two friends who had children in their mid-20s have wondered in my presence what they were thinking at the time. I don't think I did it the 'right way' by any means, but certainly, if I'd had to choose between having a child in my early to mid-20s and not having a child at all, I would unhesitatingly have chosen the latter. Because the other way would have limited my life in ways that wouldn't have worked for me.

I had my baby at 40 and so wish I'd met DH younger so we could have had more. I backpacked a lot in my 20s, which was great but it was definitely out of my system by my mid 20s and I realised it wasn't truly what was important to me.

26-36 was spent grieving my ex-fiance and the life we'd planned together. Finding a good guy is hard. Dating sucks. You are missing nothing.

Most of my friends who left babies until mid 30s have had infertility struggles.

I really think nearly everything you are missing can be done in your current situation. You can travel with a baby, I know many who do. You could live abroad as your child is not school age. You could take up a hobby - I go out to mine twice a week and have done since dc was 18 mo, and DH puts dc to bed. Or agree with your DH for x nights off to go clubbing with friends a month.

You will also be young when your children are grown and able to do many things then. My Mum certainly has!

Enjoy your good fortune! And make some Mum friends!

To be honest, the young years have a lot of ups and downs. Aged 23 I'd just come out of awful relationship and I was definitely envious of all my friends who seems to have made better partner choices and were doing fun things together all the time. Then single me had to be attend a seemingly endless series of weddings, where I seemed to be the only single person out of all my friends. Although I probably wouldn't have envied your baby at such a young age. At 27 I did get to go off and do the travelling thing, I'd been to uni and I had a well paid job and I could save up and spend it all on travel. On that trip finally met my now husband, but took another 3/4 years for us live in the same country. So qas not married until 34 and first child came along at almost 36. Managed to rack up a huge amount of travel in those 8 or so years, that was the best bit, and finally got there with the husband and kids a bit later than everyone else. Travel will still be there when you get to your 40s and your kids are much bigger. Now though I am facing the challenges of an elderly parent needing support, and still doing a lot for the youngest who is only 10.

On the upside, when your career is established and your child is grown, you will have more freedom and travelling opportunities in your 40s, when your peers are still tied to school holidays and having younger teens into their 50s and might appreciate it more!

Comparison is the thief of joy…

Plus leaving it later is such a risk with the potential for relationship breakdowns in the 30s when you are looking to settle down/not meeting someone.

I missed out on my younger years for different reasons to yours. Now that I’m middle aged I am doing the things that I missed out on - the travel etc. When your children are grown and independent you can have those experiences later on, albeit in a slightly different way.

I think there is often a sort of template for MC uni girls.It often involves lots of parties ,drinking ,ONS and travel in your 20s. Its nice to have a carefree time of course .Obviously life with DC can seem a bit tame .Did you meet your DH at uni ? You have done well to get a degree ,Do you work ATM.Maybe arrange a holiday with DH or how would he feel about you having a week with the girls maybe .

If I could go back in time and choose I would have chosen to meet someone when young and grow together and have a family young, and no baggage! I love my children very much but I had them older, am acutely aware that they will be most likely parentless in their 40s and I will never live long enough to see any grandchildren grow up.

I'm 50 this year and I was married at 22. I've got 4 kids and I've retired and I'm about to start enjoying my kid free life. I'm glad I did it this way round as I couldn't face being an active parent in my 60s.

There's huge peer pressure these days to live your friends' lives but your life is better for LT happiness in my experience.

I had DC in my 20s, now in my 40s I'm much better off than the ones who waited.

I could write a whole book on this but just don't waste emotional energy on envy.

You can do some more fun stuff later when your DCs are older.

Finding a good guy is hard. Dating sucks.

I think this is the crux of it, we like to think of all this stuff as a choice but ultimately it's hugely down to luck as to when you meet the right person.

If you are getting this perception all your peers are having a great time from social media, then trust me, most of what people put on there is for show and not representative of their reality.

The grass can always look greener on the other side, but it sounds like you are winning at life.

Not in my group of friends, no. Our kids are all that age and graduating and it feels like they are at the start of their lives. I hope mine don’t start having babies till 30 ish. There is so much they want to do first! Like I did. Fond memories of my twenties!

I had my dd at 21, got married not long after, got divorced at 34, my dc are now adults but both have SEN so youngest lives at home and needs 24 hour supervision. I guess if they didn’t have SEN’s I would be living my best life now. My point is, there’s time to do things when your dc grow up as you will still be young. I have friends that didn’t start having children until their late 30’s and the thought of having to go through parenting a baby/toddler now is not something I find appealing 🤣.

I have fond memories of my 20s too.

I was a mum at 21.

Just throwing this in as someone who is 43 with a 2 year old, wasted my 20s and 30s out partying and generally just coasting, it wasn't what I wanted but was circumstantial, I didn't meet my partner until I was 36 and so desperately wish we had met sooner so I could have started my life sooner. I regret the money I spent on nights out and holidays and if I'm honest I didn't enjoy it looking back, now I want another baby but really feel it's too late. I dream of owning our own home but because of the money I wasted trying to enjoy myself we're stuck renting. I'm so envious you met your person young, I dreamt of your life but it didn't happen like that for me, the grass isn't always greener. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but wanted you to know how lucky I think you are x

Don’t feel bad, when they are 40 running about with a 4 year old (like me) you’ll be out enjoying life because you had them young (like my best friend) now I’m jealous of her 😂
having kids is a tie whatever age your at, you’ll be young when they are grown up - now I wish I had done it young!

There’s this weird idea that you explore the world or go out and live before ‘settling down’ and that there’s specific times for doing that - like your twenties are the travelling and ‘fun’ the thirties and forties the ‘settling down’ etc.

But why should it be like that? You can explore, try new things, make new friends of different ages in loads of ways. You can travel at any age. Sure you can’t go out dating whoever when you are married obviously but this idea that all the adventure and new experiences is just something for a few short years in your early twenties is silly.

You can learn new things, take up new interests, go to new places, anything you like, all through your life. Yea you are limited by the rigours of parenting a small one right now but those years do pass so quickly. My advice is to stop focusing on when you should do this or that and start asking yourself things like - what excites me? What am I interested in? What makes me curious and inspired?

Find those things and you’ll never feel you are missing out.