To feel quite sad that I skipped my “young years”

[Alliona]

I’m 25, I got married at 22, had my now 10 month old at 24, I went to uni, I have a career ahead of me, my husband is amazing and loving and caring. We were friends from age 11, started dating at 15 and have been together since.

However lots of my peers are 20-27, people I went to school with, played sports with etc. and I can’t help envy them in many ways. They are on gap years, falling in love, going out etc. I love my husband and my little boy more than anything and I spent so much of my teens and early 20s focusing on getting here, but now I can’t help but feel like I’ve won the race but there is no one to celebrate with. I told one of my closest friends and she said that she looks forward to having what I have but for now js focused on enjoying the journey. Another friend is in the honeymoon phase of a relationship and travelling the world with his girlfriend and as I was a teen and we’d been friends before it was never really like that.

Im finding it hard to find people I really relate to, I have other friends who are young parents but they seem to lack stability, still live with parents etc., I have other friends who are older parents but they all seemed to do all their living before having kids and my friends who are my age just can’t relate to the stress of finding a nursery or teething. Equally I can’t relate to the stress of the dating scene, or the do we go to Thailand or Indonesia etc.

AIBU to feel like this? How do I handle it, it’s getting me really down and my husband just doesn’t relate, he says backpacking and hinge sound like his worst nightmare.

I agree with your lovely DH, the thought of backpacking never appealed. God, I hate the idea of camping, even on a site! You are incredibly lucky and you will know how much when you reach your 30s, with older DC and a career ahead of you rather than behind you. Enjoy the youth you have rather than pine for something that would in all likelihood not be at all what you imagine.

@Alliona
You are married to the love of your life, and he loves you back. He is amazing. You have a child together.

That sounds pretty great! Be happy!

Perhaps try to find friends that are in a similar situation?
You can't be the only married mid-twenties woman in your area? Try to connect with other young married mothers.

God I feel this, it's so sad to think of my daughter being parent less potentially in her 40s and if she does have children me not seeing them grow up, also my parents not seeing my daughter grow up as they're now in their mid 70s and she is 2 :(

I think saying that statistically younger marriages don’t work out then saying “But, it's a bit late now” is rude. Opinions are fine but that’s just rude. Surely you can’t talk to people in real life like that?

You should feel grateful and proud for what you have.

Helpful.
Common or not, op os married.
Both my sisters and I were married by 24

The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side OP. If you were still single/childless you’d probably be fretting about that.

Remember that they grow up and you'll have lots of lovely time whilst you're still young and everyone else is still tied to childcare arrangements. 💐☺️

Yes, you're indeed young mother and I can imagine it'd be difficult to find friends who can share your motherhood experiences with. Maybe try to find some role models or women of the similar age groups on social media like Youtube. Once you find you're not alone, then it'd be relatively easy to accept it and help you to navigate your future life further. Good luck.

I settled down in my early twenties. The years before that I did a bit of partying but it was just drinking too much, sometimes making a fool of myself or making a bad decision and then spending the next week riddled with anxiety. It wasn't anything that special tbh. I didn't know who I was yet and I was easily led and insecure.

Now I'm in my mid thirties and I have a career that I love, a husband who has loved and supported me through 13 years and multiple babies, house moves and career changes.

I didn't get to do a gap year, but my kids are old enough to be no bother when we travel long haul now, and I'd much rather explore the world with my little family than the people I hung about with in my late teens and early twenties, if I'm honest.

Some will say I did things the wrong way round or too early, but I don't have any regrets.

Appreciate what you have. Look at what you feel you're missing out on and see if you can get more of it in your life? Maybe you need to make more free time for your hobbies or make a plan to see some sights?

I have friends in their 50s who are living abroad and others a similar age that are travelling. There is always the opposite later on if it is something that you want to do.

This is not true.

Always the opportunity

I was exactly your age with the same set up. I'm 21 years older now, two adult dds, a flourishing career and I have money and security to enjoy 4+ holidays a year, out every Friday after work and a happy marriage.
I loved being a younger mum, loved bringing up my girls. I think you need to lean into this life, look at all the positives and stop scrolling social media - your own life sounds lovely, they are probably looking on wishing they had yours

I am 39 and about to have my second (and last) child later this year. I wouldn't want children in early 20s but goooood, wouldn't it be nice to be in your early 40ties, presumably at the height of one's earning potential and have adult children who (hopefully) have left home instead of £2000 bill for the nursery?

I also got married and had children between early-mid 20s. I’m in my 30s now and life is lovely especially now both children are older and more independent. Sleepless nights and the toddler years are such a distant memory whilst I still feel so young myself. My kids are great company and love our adventures and travels as a little family, I genuinely wouldn’t swap it for anything.

I know a lot of women who would have loved to settle down earlier but couldn’t for various reasons so I feel very blessed.

It is extremely unreasonable for being miserable about not having taken a different path, when the one you did choose has worked out so well. Stop it immediately! Seriously - nobody gets to have everything; you can't be both young, married, a mum and building a career and simultaneously young, single, childfree and on a gap year!

There is so much more to life for women than just being married and having kids. Great that you've studied and have a career ahead but what else?

Any hobbies, goals, motivations?

When your friends are having kids at 35/37, or older, you're will be teens and out of the door soon. Your career will not be stalled by a break to have kids. You are young and active and can chase after your children without feeling exhausted. When you're in your 40s and 50s you can travel further and in more luxury than a gap year and you'll be able to go on holiday during term time. You'll have more money, too.

Enjoy what you have now because it will be even better when you're older.

I agree comparison is the thief. You've got what most people want. I wonder why it doesn't satisfy you though?
What exactly did you miss out on? I did loads of travelling pre meeting Dh, is that what you want to do now? What else? Can't you make these things happen? You probably need friends who are more on your level though aswell. That can be achieved.

YABVU
You're asking yourself too many questions
I am in the same situation, got married and had kids very young, great husband and a fantastic career. I love my life and consider myself as lucky. Don't look for problems when they don't exist.

It weighs on my mind quite a lot. 😕

I had my daughter at a similar age and remember feeling similar. Life experiences don't stop at 30 though. I'm nearly 50 and my husband and I enjoy travelling, going to festivals/gigs etc this time with a bit more money in our pockets. I also have lovely friends I can do things with. I often think now if I were pregnant at 25 in this day and age I wouldn't change it for the world - clubbing and dating especially I don't think I could handle. Also because i'm older I care less about others opinions and to me that equals a better time. Dont put yourself down. Gratitude in the moment is helpful.

I said you are not being unreasonable to feel like this. You feel how you feel and it is understandable you feel a bit in limbo waiting for your friends to get to this stage, and not having so much in common with young parents or older parents. It's more unusual to go to university and then (plan) to have children soon after graduation. But you can't be the only one and I'd advise trying to find like minded people (on MN?) or start a local meet-up group.

You followed a path that felt right for you. As someone said, lean into it. Enjoy it. You're young and fit and can get the young children years out of the way and focus on your career in your 30s and be enjoy an empty nest in your 40s when you and your husband are still young and able to have adventures together.

What do you actually regret? Not having lots of dead-end relationships and heartbreak in your teens, twenties and maybe thirties? Having children only stops you doing things like traveling temporarily.

I regret not having a fun but committed relationship when I was younger, and having someone to go on holiday with. I also wish I'd been able to have children.

Your life looks pretty good to me and you clearly wouldn't have wanted a life of single childlessness.