DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had because <insert non-issue of privileged child who never had to endure real hardship and think feeling left out now and again is neglect>. It’s like having a perfectly OK life isn’t interesting, trendy or Instagram worthy enough.

Why are young people doing this? Is it a hangover from being told they’re special and over-therapised “your boundaries matter and others MUST respect them” gubbins ? Or is it because he’s been travelling (I’ve known people to go travel and some catch a tropical disease, some catch obnoxious dickhead disease).

Anyway…my heart goes out to you OP. I’d be furious. Sorry but he sounds like a self pitying little twerp. “Leave me alone but you can follow me on Instagram”. He’s not Cristiano Ronaldo. Disrespectful as hell - you need to pull him up on this nonsense.

Break ups are awful but a whole year and 2 spells of worldwide travelling to get over it is OTT. If he hasn’t got over it by now that’s not your fault or problem. He needs to learn how deal with break ups and you don’t have to pander to overly long mooning.

Also I have to say I assume men who travel to Thailand alone are doing it because they’re sex tourists. It sounds a bit dodgy.

sounds somewhat unsafe and the gal seems dodgy.
i would tread carefully as to not alienate him more, carefully extract as much detail as possible (maybe by asking his friends parents) and hopefully end up with a bit more contact than instagram.

Deal with this by just listening and not getting defensive. Obviously he's going through something with his mental health right now. Getting emotional about this issue will just make him feel defensive and like no one is listening to him.
Acknowledge what he has said and just apologise. Say you weren't aware that he felt that way and you are very sorry to hear he went through feeling like that. Tell him you love him and will always be there for him.
Then say that you will give him as much space as he needs but you hope he knows how important he is to you.

I don't know his friends parents anymore, he hasn't really spoken to his school friends since he went to university and obviously I don't know his uni or work friends parents.

I agree the girl seems dodgy, he's shown us a picture with her and told us her name and told us "not to worry she's funding her own travel". I asked if this was a new girlfriend or just a friend and he said he doesn't know yet. It all seems very suspicious to me and I'm so hurt by the want for no contact more or less.

Sounds like he's been to a dodgy therapist.

With any luck he'll travel the world, see some real poverty, meet some people who were truly neglected as kids (they do end up on the travelling circuit if they have the money) and come back with a completely revised picture.

Have you been in contact a lot before this? Have you been over bearing in any way? Just thinking that when I was 25 I only saw my parents 3 times a year and only spoke to them once a fortnight at max and we were close (I would say). Maybe you haven't given him room to breathe?

I'd be worried the girlfriend is actively trying to isolate him from family and feeding him all this stuff.

It sounds like he is trying to create drama. If he genuinely felt he needed space he would just travel and send the odd text. I would just say ok if that’s what you want I respect your request.

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had
I agree @JandamiHash and I think social media has a lot do do with it. Instagram and the like are full of this. Young people are encouraged to criticise their childhood and everything the way their parents brought them up, to an extreme degree so that almost all of them will decide their parents were neglectful or failed them.

If you don't respect his wishes, you'll push him away regardless. Ask him for a way to contact him in an emergency - a new email address or something, and tell him that you'll welcome him home when he's ready.

Also not everyone who goes to Thailand goes for sex tourism - 27million people go there because it's a beautiful country. But sure, tell the OP that her son is likely a pervert...

I’d be upset too.Interesting how he says he might see you in London with her. Is that because he’s thinking of free accommodation? I’m shocked that he thinks it’s ok to speak to you like that. Has he had a privileged life? Sorry to say, as I know he’s your son, but he’s sounding like a spoilt brat. I’d leave him to it. He’s still so immature. I’m sure he’ll come back round in time.

He’s lucky to have some money from his aunt to go travelling. He’ll have a wonderful time I’m sure. Leave him to it and watch from afar on Instagram maybe until he’s got over himself.

Ask him if he'd be willing to send you some brief thing, periodically, just to say he is OK - maybe once a week? - with the previso that you will not reply to that or ask him anything. If he's blogging or something, just piggyback on that.

And make sure he knows he can ask you for help in an emergency, if that's so - no questions asked.

Also don't be an arse about "the girl"; she hasn't made him travel. He has decided to travel, and maybe that will be good for him.

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had because <insert non-issue of privileged child who never had to endure real hardship and think feeling left out now and again is neglect>. It’s like having a perfectly OK life isn’t interesting, trendy or Instagram worthy enough.

I wonder about this, too. He's an adult so nothing you can do, but it does sound like he's bored and a bit dramatic.

Is there someone else in the family he could confide in about his thought process over this, - someone neutral from whom he might accept a more balanced, (less selfish) view. A grandparent maybe, uncle or respected family friend who has been in his life and has seen his upbringing?

Someone who could ask him to kindly, briefly check in with them once a month at least, face to face on-line so that they (you) know he’s safe, you know exactly where he is in the world - but not to pry or ask personal questions. To me, that would be a sensible plan to suggest from a loving parent/next of kin. It’s a recommendation for all who go off travelling for emergency reasons and would be more reassuring for you to know he is maintaining that link to you albeit indirectly.

I'm really sorry your son is causing you such anxiety and concern in this way. It must be very upsetting.

One of my children was like this. You'd think he'd been raised by wolves the way he carried on. He had a very indulged childhhoold with both parents present and no shortage of money, time or atttention being spent on him. We were liberal parents too. Yes, he too claimed that his sibling had received more attention - and he had because his sibling had struggled in school and needed extra coaching while the aggrieved child was very academically gifted.

I think young people go through a stage of comparing their actual parents with some deified version of perfection - parents who never snap, get fed up or say the wrong thing and who are totally selfless. They don't seem to think parents are actually people with wishes and hopes and dreams of their own. My son eventually got past this - probably after seeing children who were really neglected. Working as a student in a half way house for troubled teens with a predilection for knives and drugs did wonders for his perception of parenting skills.

Perhaps OP should tell him he wasn't supportive enought of her when her sister died.

Sorry you're in this situation OP, it isn't fair.

And then they will have kids and have a sharp awakening

He's still young and finding his feet but hes an adult and now is the time to let him make his own mistakes. Tell him you love him and will always be there for him. Just ask that he carry your details as an emergency contact should anything happen to him .

I agree with @Guest100 .

He sounds entitled and selfish. He is essentially saying that he doesn’t give a 💩 what happens to his family/loved ones over the next twelve months, he doesn’t want to know. God forbid that someone has some sort of illness, he doesn’t want to know.

I’d suspect his head had been turned or that he’s been drip fed the ‘you have been shit parents’ if that’s the first you’d heard of it. Someone’s projecting and he’s bought into it.

I’m sorry, @alizea—
You do your best and then they fly away and don’t comprehend that words hurt.
Just tell your son to be safe and to please not forget about you and that you love him.
I don’t think there’s much else you can do without pushing him even further away.
Follow him on Instagram and maybe on TikTok.
I hope he’ll get homesick for you and forget about all this.
Sending you love from faraway California. ❤️

Totally agree with @Nightmarewithdelirium . Your best bet is to stay calm and listen to your son. He's not cutting you off completely, is allowing you to follow him on Instagram and is requesting some space. I don't think jumping to conclusions about dodgy girlfriends and being therapised is helpful to you right now.

I say this as someone who is estranged from my mother. She has a narrative of being the perfect mother and will not acknowledge her awful neglectful and scapegoating behaviour towards her children. As a result she estranged from all three of us. I offered to attend therapy with her to sort it out a long time ago. She ignored this and plays victim with the rest of my family who have no idea what she's like.

I'm not suggesting that you have done anything to warrant this from your son, he may be having a crisis of some sort, but in his position all I wanted was to be heard by my mother. Perhaps you can suggest some family therapy when he's ready? It will give you both a chance to clear the air and let him know you are willing to really listen without being defensive. We all interpret things differently. Perhaps there have been some misunderstandings that need clearing up.

The way he has gone about this is quite cruel to you, but I do understand him.

I spent about 3 years having minimal contact with my mum. I needed that time to clear my head, process some childhood stuff and really disconnect from everyone who I knew.

It was the making of me and now my mum and I are more close.

She has never 100% forgiven me for leaving, but I genuinely think we would be NC if I hadn't.

If I was you, I would be really encouraging of him. Say absolutely no hard feelings and have a compromise where he checks his Instagram DMs every few days as you will contact him if there's an emergency (and only then).

The girl may be dodgy... But she's likely to just be a young girl who likes your son and is going to travel with him.

He obviously caught the travelling bug on his first trip and wants to do more. He is still young and it is a great experience. He can come home and he will still have his degree to fall back on.

Being that age is weird. You start thinking about things as you are on the cusp of becoming what feels like a "proper adult". My friends and I joke that we all went through a quarter life crisis at about 25.

I know it's probably really hard for you, but how you handle this will determine your relationship going forward.

He's a fully fledged adult who is going to have to make his own mistakes. Plenty of people travel and at a much younger age. This is his last chance really - if he doesn't do it now, he probably never will. Mundane life, relationships and children etc get in the way.

Yes he is behaving like a bit of a brat, but if he truly had a good childhood, he'll get over it.

If he doesn't want to talk to you whilst he's away, there's not much you can do about that. The more you smother and ask questions, the more likely he is to pull away.

Just tell him that you'll miss him, but you're excited for him and you look forward to hearing all about it on his return.

When my 2 dc were teens and older my response to ‘it’s not fair’ was
‘life isn’t fair and being an adult is tough and the sooner you realise that the better you’ll cope.’
I also told dd when she criticised my parenting that I did the best I could with the knowledge and resources I had at the time.

Your ds will grow up and out of this attitude. I honestly think most dc can be tricky in their 20’s.
It’s hard but be breezy.
Wish him a great trip and tell him that you hope he gets what he’s looking for during his time away.
Remind him to get good travel insurance.
And live your own life.
In fact do fab things too and put them on Instagram.