DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

I agree the break up sounds ill managed from your side.

Make it clear you love him, tell him you're worried and want to know he is OK, and would he be able to send a message saying 'all is OK' or stay in touch with youngest DD so you know he is safe and well.

He might also be pushing you away but wanting you to pushback a little bit and show you care and love him. Just don't push hard.

I’d imagine a lot of it is down to the older generation having lived in relatively prosperous times, with more disposable money, lower mortgages and perks like final salary pensions while doing absolutely shit all to set the next generation up for success. Oh, and while also dismissing the absolute turmoil of being a young professional during an unprecedented CoL crisis who knows they’ll need to work themselves to near burnout until their 70s and beyond.

I totally agree!!!!

I speak as someone who WAS neglected and it, to coin a term, boils my piss!!!!
My Dad worked EVERY hour god gives, even now at the age of 65, to provide for the four of us. He came from nothing, was illiterate and has worked to the bone to give us all deposits and cars. He is kind, loving, hands on, non judgemental, funny etc.

As a child he DID lose his temper a few times, im talking shouting at us less than once a year. Shouting, not swearing but just yelling, normally as teens staying out all night etc.

My sister lived with my parents until she was 31. She had a dinner cooked for her nightly, her laundry done and didnt pay a PENNY in rent. She became increasingly rude and dismissive of Dad. He would stumble in exhuasted, aged 60 plus, on his 5th 12 hour day of the week and she would roll her eyes and tell him he needed to shower now, not later. Or just blank him and not return his hellos.

Due to his direct contributions and her having lived there for 10 years post-degree with no expenses, packed lunches daily and little weekly treats she managed to save 120K before she moved out.

Recently she has cut him off becuase he never attended her ballet performances or took her anywhere special (by which i mean abroad) for her 16th birthday - we couldnt afford it as there are 6 of us and he threw a party and bought her a watch she wanted that cost 3k!!!!!

He is getting a bit run down and sick now, had a stroke recently, and she is dismissive of him and has mocked his sudden deterioation in health to his face before

Sick of the lot of them!!!

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. some people just dont know how good they had it!!!

Ask if he'd want to know if anything serious happened to anyone in the family and what his chosen communication route is for that.

I think your DS has grounds for his feelings. Always put in the smallest room because his sisters amassed too much stuff, feeling like they were being fawned over and given lifts everywhere when he had to make his own way on public transport. You can make all your excuses to justify yourself, but it must have been hurtful to his young self. Now you're getting a taste of what it feels like to be hurt, so you just have to suck it up and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

My own mother treated my brother better than me, even though he was the nightmare, noisy kid and I was quiet one. It does hurt and it stays with you, leaves you wondering 'why was I not good enough'.

He’s 25 and you can all still follow him on social media so it’s not too bad, at least you can see his whereabouts.

I’d probably try to ask if he wouldn’t mind sharing locations just in case something happens but then leave it at that.

Agree.
This type of scenario has rightly dredged up feelings that were niggling.
It can have a profound long term affect on the parent child relationship.
In essence he is in huge pain and rather than reach for support from his parents he feels it best to go no contact for the rest of the year.
He feels driven away from you by you clearly prioritising his sister and her friend.

Be very wary of making a "sorry if you feel we did X" non apology, as that could finish him off and your relationship.

Tell him, upon reflection, and talking to others, your stance and position was very very wrong and disloyal, and you feel both mortified and embarrassed by your thoughtless lack of judgement.
You hugely under estimated his hurt and upset and you are so very very sorry.
He is enormously important to you, you love him to bits, and want him to have a fantastic trip.
You will miss him terribly and will be here for him whenever he needs you.

Perhaps some would wing it and hope for the best, but I certainly wouldn't.
This is a time for the plain language of apology, regret and love for him.

I would want it to be crystal clear to him how much you love and adore him, and that you are desperately sorry that your thoughtlessness has added to his grief and pain.

I would say it in person but also text it to him so that he can read it and reflect on it and have it when away.

I wouldn't want my son leaving with any ambiguity about how much he meant to me.

As for your daughter, I would be telling her too that she should buck up and have a bit of basic loyalty.
That friend is to stay away.

I wonder how you and your daughter would feel if it was yourson's friend?
I bet you wouldn't think it a great idea to have her nose rubbed in it.

A bit of basic compassion for him is required here.

Sounds exhausting
I think someone people need to just accept that people are trying their best and allow their effort to make them feel and see the love. Not set infinite hoops.

OP have you ever been badly treated by someone, and your mutual friends declared they were ‘staying out of it’ and carried on seeing the person even though they had been awful to you? It feels like such a betrayal.

Imagine the people staying out of it are your own parents! That would be so upsetting and would feel very much as if your DD’s friend was more important to you than your own DS. No wonder he feels second best!

As for your DD, either there is more to this breakup than you have been told, or else your DD is happily driving a wedge between you and your DS and enjoying being favoured. Her friend does not need to be in and out of your house. My kids have plenty of friends that I barely see, including lifelong ones.

Unless there are more issues that you don’t know or haven’t shared about his behaviour to his ex, then you owe your DS a sincere apology for not being more supportive.

As your son’s mother your job is to unreservedly support him. I wonder in what other ways you have been insensitive to his pain and hurt. I think some self reflection is needed - to show him you have taken his honest account very very seriously.

In your position I would apologise for having his ex there, for taking a neutral position when your support was needed, and going forward she will no longer be in his family home and you will do your utmost to support him in the future.

I would thank him for his honesty, he didn’t need to tell you, he could have just disappeared on his travels. What he has said is extremely valuable, and shows that he hopes you can respond better next time.

I am pretty sure your DDs ex boyfriends wouldn’t have been made so welcome, it does seem you are more caring for them emotionally and that might be rooted in stereotypes that men need less support (not true)

I won’t comment on the break up situation or the bigger rooms.

I just wanted to point out that if your son is like most young people, he will be updating his Instagram on a weekly if not daily basis. You will easily see what he is doing and be able to keep tabs on him.

I think it’s a whole load of drama about not a lot to be honest.

Tell him you are sorry he felt unsupported and you can totally understand where he is coming from, even parents make mistakes. Say you hope he has a wonderful time and you are excited to meet his new friend and hear all about his travels when he is ready.

He’s got his CFA? That’s a tough set of exams - a masters effectively. She clearly didn’t understand.

I don't think wanting your parents to go in to bat for you (with love and vigour) during a painful breakup is setting infinte hoops!

Jeez! 🤪🤪🤪

You made your decisions around his break up.

He's made his decisions based on that.

It's clear to see from this thread how you favour his sister and ex, and that's with you trying to paint things in a better light so I can only imagine what the reality was like.

You reap what you sow.

I would let him go and not contact him as he wishes. He is writing himself a story that connects him to this new girl, and telling her a tale that fits his “poor me” attitude.
I wouldn’t follow him on instagram and I would back right off and give him space to find himself. He is an adult and you have to let him have his way for now .

edited to say that not getting the biggest bedroom in the house isn’t going to result in trauma and neither is being expected to take bus. It’s overblown nonsense and belittles people who really have suffered childhood abuse and neglect.

Tell him you love him. Acknowledge you made some mistakes while he was growing up and handled his break up badly. Say that you're ready to listen to him and ask if there's anything you can do to make things better. Then say you hope he has a wonderful time, you'll respect his wishes but you do need to be able to get in contact with him if there's an emergency. Ask him if there's any room for compromise, eg can you message him once every 2 or 3 weeks, but agree not to apart from that? At least you'll be able to see from instagram that he's safe and well. I do agree with the poster who commented that back in the day I went off travelling in Asia for a couple of months and all my parents heard from me was the odd postcard!

Completely agree. I share a lot of positive quotes etc on instagram and my algorithm ends up filled with things about breaking cycles of trauma and neglect. I’m in my 30s so no longer considered “one of the young ones” but I’m glad I wasn’t seeing this stuff ten years ago when I was still figuring myself out. My parents made mistakes but I had a perfectly pleasant childhood filled with love and continued support. But social media does its best to convince me otherwise!

He has level 1 and 2, he sat his level 2 in the summer before going travel but basically ran level 1 and 2 into each other (beginning study for level 2 as soon as he got the results from level 1) he also has a masters and we are very very proud of him and his achievements and he has cited that as being partially why he needs a break away from work/family for a year as since he started uni he has basically worked himself into the ground.

Well I’m going to take the OP at face value and make the assumption that she did not neglect her child. The man has had a very good early adult life that does not point to neglect. In fact it’s offensive to children who have actually been neglected to say “waaah you like your sister better than me”

Just an observation but a 25yo visiting his parents one a month, when living in another town, seems really frequent to me. Not rare at all. Rare would be once or twice a year.

Not telling you when he's coming makes it hard for your DD to arrange not to have her friend the ex there. But also indicates that your DS still sees your home as his and feels comfortable just turning up. That's quite 'close' family behaviour for a 25yo.

Maybe travelling will open his eyes to how spoilt and self entitled he is.
He sounds like a brat who hasn't grown up.
Angry at not having the bigger bedroom!!
You should have told him lots of kids share a room with 2 siblings .
No lifts and had to get a train!! Again completely ridiculous.
He is trying to make drama and oh feel sorry for me . I had such a hard childhood.
Sounds like he had a loving family and also inherited a lot of money at a young age
He really needs to grow up

He'll be back after she's gone through all his money.

This.

Maybe he feels @alizea he can't talk to you because you have his sister in your ear (and in and out of your home) giving it large on what he's done wrong. She's hardly impartial since best friends with his ex!

I change my view now and can understand why he needs space from all of you. Probably feels like you've all taken her side.....

This narrative really irritates me. Not everyone lived like that.

Fewer people went to university, mortgages actually that easy to get, especially if you were a single not very well paid woman. And as for the final salary schemes I (who's one of these older generations) missed that particular boat as well, not to mention being on the receiving end of pension age increases.

Throughout the 80s and 90s mortgage rates were higher or similar to those now.

Where I do have sympathy - and again as an older person who's not benefitted from the housing explosion - is the cost of property.

There could be more though than those surface claims. Maybe he feels everyone sided with his ex over the split. Sister seems to feed the ex narrative to his mum. That would hurt and explain wanting distance