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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

542 replies

alizea · 23/01/2025 01:51

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
NattyTurtle59 · 23/01/2025 04:36

He sounds like a self absorbed twit, and at 25 very immature.

I don't think there is much you can do but respect his wishes OP and get on with enjoying your own life.

Sugargliderwombat · 23/01/2025 04:51

Sounds like he's having a hard time, could you just go back to him in a gentle negotiation and say you're happy to give him space but can he check in x times even just with an OK so you know he's safe.

I'm not sure what you can do other than to give him space really.

I AM surprised with the replies here. Plenty of people have mental health problems or strained family relationships, it doesn't make him a brat for seeing his childhood as a bit shit. Emotional neglect is a real thing - did he have a point op?

PreferMyAnimals · 23/01/2025 04:53

"Sure son, but if I become concerned for your whereabouts and how you are, I'll be contacting someone." He should at least let someone know he is okay weekly, at least. It's important so someone can raise the alarm if needed.

I'd let him have his wish with full consequences. He won't know what's going on at home either, you won't be sending money, etc.

Someone may have got in his ear but I'd at least hear what he has to say, even if you disagree. I know my own mother won't hear anything I have to say if it challenges the narrative she wants to hold in her head. It's all part of a larger picture of dismissing my feelings and invalidating them, which is actually the issue I have anyway.

SoLongAndThanksForTheDumplings · 23/01/2025 05:02

I agree too that you’ll need to let him go calmly but I can imagine how much this hurts. While he’s criticising your parenting, he doesn’t seem too concerned about being a ‘good’ son. It is tempting to clarify with him whether there’s any circumstances under which he would want you to contact him, severe illness, for example.

WiddlinDiddlin · 23/01/2025 05:03

Ahh...

Yeah you've done such a cracking job he feels so very secure with the safety net you've provided all his life that he can pick out the tiny bits that, with the benefit of the hindsight you never had, he can find fault with from his childhood...

And say 'screw you I am fucking off around the world and it is too difficult to have to consider your feelings whilst I do this, so I won't bother' ...

Safe in the knowledge that if it all goes tits up, you'll help him, because you love him, ever so.

'Off you pop dear, have a lovely time and I hope you learn more about the world and being a grown up living in it. Hopefully you'll know where to find us when you return to planet normal-person...'

And then seriously contemplate moving house to somewhere delightfully impractical without a spare room for him when he returns.

Im not saying kids should be raised like some of us were, safe in the knowledge that we ever dare question a single thing, we'd be told (in so many words or not) to fuck off and not come back...

But a middle ground would be nice, the current system seems to protect children from the concept that their parents are actual people with actual feelings for far too long and you get this 'I can be incredibly hurtful to these people because they love me and won't tell me when/if I am being a monumentally massive prick' situation.

Lurkingandlearning · 23/01/2025 05:03

Does he have enough money to cover all possible emergencies? What if he is robbed or scammed?

Has he read his travel insurance policy and is aware of any clauses that will stop a claim? For example, will he get medical cover if he had been drinking prior to the accident or health problem? I noticed that exclusion on a policy a while ago.

I doubt you would want to do this, but I’d be inclined to ask him who is expecting to bail him out if he needs help while he is travelling. Surely he wouldn’t have the gall to ask you. But I think he probably would.

I would also want to know why it’s taken until age 25 to realise what awful parents you were, apparently. Is he a bit dim?

Before other posters jump in to tell me that if he says his parents were inadequate (or worse) then that must be true, don’t waste your time. Yes, it might be true but many adult children take this stance for flimsy reasons, sometimes just because their parents hadn’t been all they’d have liked them to be. They’d been good parents but not good enough. Often said before they’ve had any personal experience of parenting and been rated by their own children.

TwoStepping · 23/01/2025 05:05

You should be honest with yourself about his childhood. Although I do think some young adults over analyse and turn a good childhood into a bad one, there are also parents like mine that didn’t provide a good childhood, rewrite history and won’t address it. We don’t know which this falls under as we don’t know you and you have no posting history here.

If he has had a good childhood, you’re close etc, then I’d be concerned, but I don’t think there is much you can do. I would try to discuss what he has said about his childhood and you being unsupportive, and then let him do his thing. Give him space. If the childhood stuff and you being unsupportive is a load of nonsense, he’ll either realise that or he won’t. If it’s false and he wants to continue to think of himself as a victim, you’re probably better having a break from each other anyway.

My son is a similar age and if he said this stuff, it would be bollocks and I’d be pretty annoyed and probably welcome the break from him.

Only you know if there’s any truth to what your son says though.

valentinka31 · 23/01/2025 05:09

CloseYourRingStress · 23/01/2025 04:05

I agree with @Guest100 .

He sounds entitled and selfish. He is essentially saying that he doesn’t give a 💩 what happens to his family/loved ones over the next twelve months, he doesn’t want to know. God forbid that someone has some sort of illness, he doesn’t want to know.

I’d suspect his head had been turned or that he’s been drip fed the ‘you have been shit parents’ if that’s the first you’d heard of it. Someone’s projecting and he’s bought into it.

Show quote history

yes I think someone is telling him he had bad parents. Maybe this girl wants to travel

Nettleteaser101 · 23/01/2025 05:18

God I was 22 when I got married and had my daughter at 25. Your son is an adult and can look after himself or should be able to. Leave him to do what ever. At least he told you and not just skipped off without a word.

Bollihobs · 23/01/2025 05:27

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 02:03

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had because <insert non-issue of privileged child who never had to endure real hardship and think feeling left out now and again is neglect>. It’s like having a perfectly OK life isn’t interesting, trendy or Instagram worthy enough.

Why are young people doing this? Is it a hangover from being told they’re special and over-therapised “your boundaries matter and others MUST respect them” gubbins ? Or is it because he’s been travelling (I’ve known people to go travel and some catch a tropical disease, some catch obnoxious dickhead disease).

Anyway…my heart goes out to you OP. I’d be furious. Sorry but he sounds like a self pitying little twerp. “Leave me alone but you can follow me on Instagram”. He’s not Cristiano Ronaldo. Disrespectful as hell - you need to pull him up on this nonsense.

Break ups are awful but a whole year and 2 spells of worldwide travelling to get over it is OTT. If he hasn’t got over it by now that’s not your fault or problem. He needs to learn how deal with break ups and you don’t have to pander to overly long mooning.

Also I have to say I assume men who travel to Thailand alone are doing it because they’re sex tourists. It sounds a bit dodgy.

This sums up everything perfectly 👏 (sex tourist bit excepted, solo travel to Thailand doesn't have to mean that!)

OP I'm sorry he's causing you such heartbreak.

2catsandhappy · 23/01/2025 05:33

What do his sisters say about his/their childhood and the current proposed plan?

JaninaDuszejko · 23/01/2025 05:40

The drama is the big announcement isn't it. But maybe it's social media it's the problem because this generation can't escape from their life like we could.

At 19 I went interrailing round Europe with a couple of friends from Uni. It was 1990 and the wall had just come down a few months before and we were going to countries that until fairly recently had been very difficult to travel to. My parents heard nothing from me except postcards for a month. Two of my siblings went to Australia for a year in the 90s and again, letters and postcards were the only form of contact.

In 2000 my SIL went to Asia to do VSO. Again, her parents heard very little from her except regular letters and the odd (expensive) phonecall. She was suppose to stay for 2 years, she met someone and still lives there now.

Both myself and SIL grew up in loving families but it was completely normal 20-30 years ago to be able to travel and be out of contact from your parents for a long time. Tell him you love him and hope he has a great adventure and you look forward to hearing about it. Tell him to update instagram at least once a week so you know he's OK. And carry on with your own life while he grows up a bit.

Original poster
alizea · 23/01/2025 05:57

Thank you all.

He expanded further on some points, such as feeling we favoured his sisters his reasons were

  • They always had the biggest rooms despite him being the eldest (they had the most stuff, it was about practicality not a reflection of how much love we have for any of them)
  • As he was the oldest there was an expectation for him to be more independent at a younger age than his sisters are even now. I think he was talking about how he would be expected to take a train or bus to his friend's house but our youngest is 18 and we still often drop her off. Again not a reflection of love just differing resources at differing times.

Then the other thing is he feels we sided with his ex in the break up because she was one of our middle DD's friends and DD was living with us, feeding us the girlfriends side of the story. I don't think we sided with anyone , it was messy and difficult and we tried to keep out of it.

I'm not worried about him financially, he has plenty of savings and I'm not worried about his street smart. We don't live in London so he isn't expecting free Accomodation from us or anything.

I'm really saddened by the whole situation and I struggled to sleep for thinking about it.

OP posts:
Guest100 · 23/01/2025 06:04

He may have had an awful childhood, or he may have been watching too many tictok armchair psychologists. But he has asked for space, so give it to him. He sounds a bit of a young 25, but he is old enough go and travel. It might help him to grow up. It is possible he is being scammed by this girl, or get into trouble along the way, hopefully the life lesson he gets isn’t too traumatic. Just tell him you love him and will always be there if he needs you.
It does sound a little strange the way he is carrying on, but this is his life.

Porcuporpoise · 23/01/2025 06:05

I don't think we sided with anyone

Ouch, I bet that hurt. Why wouldn't you side with your son? Parents are allowed to be a bit partial, you know and it was his girlfriend, not his wife of 5 years.

Oblomov25 · 23/01/2025 06:06

I agree with Jand and thus re-writing of childhoods crap is all the rage. Hopefully he'll see sense sooner rather than later.

PreferMyAnimals · 23/01/2025 06:07

Porcuporpoise · 23/01/2025 06:05

I don't think we sided with anyone

Ouch, I bet that hurt. Why wouldn't you side with your son? Parents are allowed to be a bit partial, you know and it was his girlfriend, not his wife of 5 years.

This struck me too. The sister shouldn't have been feeding the ex's side (hopefully not in front of your son too). It's not relevant. The only thing that matters is, regardless of the circumstances, your son went through a painful break up and needed support. Not neutrality.

dottiedodah · 23/01/2025 06:08

Thinking honestly do u feel there may be a grain of truth there.only because my DD says similar. I feel I could have done things differently, however as above PP says hindsight is a wonderful thing.wish him well and check in by following him .what do his sister's think.i suspect he will grow up a bit ,and return to the fold.DD realises that .

NewdayNewstartin2025 · 23/01/2025 06:08

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 02:03

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had because <insert non-issue of privileged child who never had to endure real hardship and think feeling left out now and again is neglect>. It’s like having a perfectly OK life isn’t interesting, trendy or Instagram worthy enough.

Why are young people doing this? Is it a hangover from being told they’re special and over-therapised “your boundaries matter and others MUST respect them” gubbins ? Or is it because he’s been travelling (I’ve known people to go travel and some catch a tropical disease, some catch obnoxious dickhead disease).

Anyway…my heart goes out to you OP. I’d be furious. Sorry but he sounds like a self pitying little twerp. “Leave me alone but you can follow me on Instagram”. He’s not Cristiano Ronaldo. Disrespectful as hell - you need to pull him up on this nonsense.

Break ups are awful but a whole year and 2 spells of worldwide travelling to get over it is OTT. If he hasn’t got over it by now that’s not your fault or problem. He needs to learn how deal with break ups and you don’t have to pander to overly long mooning.

Also I have to say I assume men who travel to Thailand alone are doing it because they’re sex tourists. It sounds a bit dodgy.

This on some points
Privileged young person not a tough life but let's look for something to whinge about .

However, he's an adult so it's his choice.

MikeRafone · 23/01/2025 06:08

It was messy and difficult and we tried to keep out of it

really?

you always support your own

stay out of it certainly isn’t supportive

the rest of his complaints sound a bit pathetic, but possibly all the small things add up and then the straw the broke the camels back, was his break up and you yet again appearing to take the girlfriends side because of his sisters friendship

id leave him alone

send him a message saying you’ll respect his wishes and start coming down on his side

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 06:12

alizea · 23/01/2025 05:57

Thank you all.

He expanded further on some points, such as feeling we favoured his sisters his reasons were

  • They always had the biggest rooms despite him being the eldest (they had the most stuff, it was about practicality not a reflection of how much love we have for any of them)
  • As he was the oldest there was an expectation for him to be more independent at a younger age than his sisters are even now. I think he was talking about how he would be expected to take a train or bus to his friend's house but our youngest is 18 and we still often drop her off. Again not a reflection of love just differing resources at differing times.

Then the other thing is he feels we sided with his ex in the break up because she was one of our middle DD's friends and DD was living with us, feeding us the girlfriends side of the story. I don't think we sided with anyone , it was messy and difficult and we tried to keep out of it.

I'm not worried about him financially, he has plenty of savings and I'm not worried about his street smart. We don't live in London so he isn't expecting free Accomodation from us or anything.

I'm really saddened by the whole situation and I struggled to sleep for thinking about it.

Hand on heart did you favour your DD? Did you baby your daughters and treat him as "the oldest so he'll be ok"?

dappledgreyandwhite · 23/01/2025 06:13

You have had some excellent advice on here. How will this be funded? Surely he is going to run out of money at some point?

I would not get involved in the finances or the practicalities, just say you are sure he has thought it all through, you respect his decision and love him very much.

You have already apologised for the loss of his relationship.

I do hope he isn’t going to do all of this travelling, and then come back and live with you or expect you to be subsidise it op, having said he doesn’t wish to stay in contact.

He could be ‘finding himself’ like a pilgrimage and if you give him enough space, I am sure he will be back op 🙏🏻

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 06:13

Porcuporpoise · 23/01/2025 06:05

I don't think we sided with anyone

Ouch, I bet that hurt. Why wouldn't you side with your son? Parents are allowed to be a bit partial, you know and it was his girlfriend, not his wife of 5 years.

Yes come on op why didn't you "side" with your own child?

MikeRafone · 23/01/2025 06:14

I'm really saddened by the whole situation and I struggled to sleep for thinking about it.

and it was sad when he had a messy break up and needed the support - you sat on the fence. I expect he had stressful and upset nights

Original poster
alizea · 23/01/2025 06:15

dappledgreyandwhite · 23/01/2025 06:13

You have had some excellent advice on here. How will this be funded? Surely he is going to run out of money at some point?

I would not get involved in the finances or the practicalities, just say you are sure he has thought it all through, you respect his decision and love him very much.

You have already apologised for the loss of his relationship.

I do hope he isn’t going to do all of this travelling, and then come back and live with you or expect you to be subsidise it op, having said he doesn’t wish to stay in contact.

He could be ‘finding himself’ like a pilgrimage and if you give him enough space, I am sure he will be back op 🙏🏻

Edited

Between uni and now so 7 years he has saved over 75k, working part time at uni and then he was making about £400 a week in sports coaching which basically paid all his rent and bills.

He also inherited 50k from my sister. So unless he goes crazy I think he will be fine financially.

OP posts: