DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

Safe in the knowledge that if it all goes tits up, you'll help him, because you love him, ever so. yet when he needed you after the break up you stayed out of it

In terms of the break up it was very messy, his ex is our DDs best friend and has been in our life since she was 3 years old. They had been together for 3 years but in that time we actually seen his girlfriend than him as she would often come home to see her parents etc. over the weekend.
The break up had accusations of all sorts, and his ex was still in and out of our house (still is) as DD lives here and they are still close friends.

I think the single best thing you can do is to ignore any and all advice from the embittered fools on here who have no interest at all in helping you, but have a great deal of bottled up rage at "kids these days" and an urge to tell us all about it.

I would fully expect him to blow all of that money unfortunately and then come grovelling back to you.

All you can do now is say 'sorry to hear you feel like that however you are very much loved' and let him get on with it. At least he is letting you follow him on instragram I guess.

If it helps my oldest son has the smallest bedroom and I tend to ferry his younger sister around more than him. I don't think I'm too evil mind.

Just leave him be for abit OP. He needs to go travelling, see how others live and come back humbled because he verging on being a spoilt so and so atm. You've done nothing wrong from the sounds of it. Just back off and let him process his breakup himself whilst travelling and his life in general.
My worry is that he has a lot of money and won't really be getting the eye opening travelling experience that's needed for him to feel gratitude more of a luxury extended holiday.
I would say you understand the need for space and that's fine but can he check in with you once a month to just let you know he's safe. If he disagrees, it's reflective of him being a really selfish person.

I really don't think he will. He showed us his detailed budgeting plans and he has always been very financially literate. I'm sure some young people may but I definitely trust him not to.

He is your son

Re the giving lifts sure point out his male privilege that it's far safer for him but re the break up I can see why he'd be annoyed.

Supporting him doesn't mean having to go against the ex-girlfriend. You can still be kind to her, though it might have been tactful of her to give him some space in his parents' home at such a sensitive time. His sister should also understand that. You could have supported him by gently explaining that to his sister.

Supporting him means validating how he feels about it, giving him a hug, listening to him. Not being neutral. You can do all that without taking a side. I can see why he might not have felt supported with that one - and that's probably the heart of the issue.

Jeez the things he accuses you of my son could accuse me of. DD bigger room (i did too growing up for same reason as yours, and my DD, they had more stuff). I also drive DD to school whilst he walked or got the bus (he could have had a lift when DD joined same secondary but chose to walk). He knows I absolutely despise the school drop offs and only still do it as DD has some health issues. If he turned round and said the same as your son i’d tell him to grow up. Re the break up, that is tricky as she is your DD’s best friend, that probably contributed to these allegations his sisters were treated differently.

You can’t raise children exactly the same as they have different needs, my DS can see that I don’t do the things for DD I didn’t do for him out of favouritism. At least I hope that, who knows. Your DS is acting like an ungrateful brat so wish him well, keep an eye on his social media and hope he’s grown up when he returns.

I think you are getting a hard time about the remaining neutral. Depends where in the spectrum of 'remaining neutral' you were. There's refusing to be dragged into criticising the ex (just sensible in case they get back together and a good lesson that a breakup is rarely just one person's fault) and there's letting your DD raise her friends grievances against your son as much as he talked about his grievances against her (not good and you should have told your DD that it wasn't kind to do that in front of her brother). Although why on earth was her friend criticising her brother to her, do your DC not get on?

It really isn't far safer for young men, they're at greater risk of being attacked than young women in fact.

Then I stand corrected

Our eldest 2 DC were close until the break up , now DD has fully sided with her friend and thinks DS is awful.

Then you can see why he doesn't want contact with her. She should have kept those sentiments to herself in front of your son though. Maybe your son did something that justifies her thinking that (maybe not, I don't know). If he did, then you can still be supportive about how he feels while he deals with the consequences.

What was the nature of these “accusations of all sorts”? Did one (or both) of them feel badly treated by the other?

I think a lot of people would find it very difficult knowing their ex was still coming in and out of the family home. They weren’t married and don’t have kids who need dropped off. Perhaps he feels like home is no longer a safe space for him because she’s Jack-in-the-boxing in and out of it?

Arguably this is a cautionary tale about dating your sister’s close friends but I can’t help but think a bit of insight into your son’s feelings around your ‘neutrality’ over the breakup and the fact she’s still a feature in your home.

This is only a guess. But it sounds like he has met someone he thinks you will disapprove of. Or doesn't want you to meet for other reasons. Maybe you interfere. I don't think it's unusual for adult children to be secretive.

I wouldn't have thought it was up to my parents to console or support me or manage me through a breakup. Not at 25! Maybe at 16. But does he still live in your house? That infantilises young adults a bit.

Also the idea that a breakup is so seismic seems weird. Unless there are other complicating factors. I and my parents probably shared the idea that until you're about 30 and thinking of marriage or children or both, all your relationships are destined to break up! In fact it's a bit sad to settle down with your early 20s partner as you're not done growing up yet. So people say oh dear sorry to hear that, and maybe take you out or send you a cake. Not treat you like a bereaved 60 year old spouse for 2 years.

Having said that maybe he doesn't feel treated fairly but it's definitely worth being a bit breezy and validating the feelings while acknowledging the difficulties of parenting on your side too. If he's talking about bedroom size and stuff that doesn't seem too much ; only you can tell if there are deeper feelings underneath of not being seen or loved.

And, you know, maybe DS was "awful" to his girlfriend. Or maybe they just split up! Tell your DD to keep her beak out and otherwise you're right to not get involved.

Drip, drip!

Nothing serious.

His ex claims he was unsupportive while she was finishing her degree, DS was studying for CFA at the time and said he felt she was being unfair wanting him to sit in her house while she did work.
She claims DS kissed a girl on a night out, DS says she cheated on him but couldn’t prove it.

Basically a lot of tit for tat.

Everyone reacts differently to a break up and it was seismic to him.

I'm 50 and if I had a break up, I think I'd still like a bit of support from my mother if it was hard.

Kindly OP I think his home should have been an ex free zone if he was devastated.
Your daughter should have been told to see her friend at the friends house.
Your hands off behaviour is maybe appropriate with your children, but his ex is not your child.

IMO you were very wrong, disloyal and I can well imagine his hurt.

The bedroom and lifts are meh, but the girlfriend thing is really huge.

My 24 year old son has recently gone through a painful ummessy breakup without any accusations of anything, and I couldn't fathom him having to deal with her being in and out of the house and how that might make him feel.

Whatever you believe, it was really disloyal and he has every right to be deeply wounded at your loyalty to his sisters friend.

If I were you I would profusely apologise and fix it pronto.
Tell your daughter the house is a friend free space going forward until things calm down.

A little sensitivity to him and his broken heart would go a long way.
Do not underestimate his devastation.

The more you post @alizea , the more I think your son may have a point about the favouritism.

That does sound hard for him honestly. Doesn't sound like you had any ill intent, but it sounds like he was not able to feel that anybody was unequivocally on his side and that must have been tough. I'd give him his space. He's being a bit babyish and dramatic announcing it like that but it might still be what he needs.