DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

"Op's son decided to date his sister's best friend, I assume knowing (unless he's thick), that if they broke up, it would create an awkward dynamic for his sister, but he did it anyway."

Daughter's friend decided to date her friend's brother despite knowing if they broke up, it would create an awkward situation in her best friend's home. She continued to come around to the home after the breakup and confided in her friend, who ran to OP with it instead of minding her own business and refusing to get in the middle. Daughter could have set boundaries with friend.

@alizea

If you still have the ability to send a message (without boundary crossing), I would offer to come meet him for a holiday anywhere in the world any time, and he should just let you know when he has had a chance to think. Ideally dress it up as a long standing desire to see elephants/snorkel/whatever, but he'll know. If he takes you up on it. Do it.

Can see the DIL post in years to come; 'my mil has my DHs ex from 10 years ago included in family events' she puts her first.

@AnonymousBleep
We weren't allowed to go out after school, no pocket money, no birthday or xmas presents etc
hardly an ideal life that? it is emotionally abusive

Yes, or like when there were two large bedrooms and one small one to distribute and again, OP chose against DS and gave him the smallest.

Or, they had promised DS would be picked up, but then one of his sisters also needed to picked up at the same time so again they chose against DS so he had to make his own way home.

There are just so many examples of when the DS has been put aside in favour of his sisters, he's basically Cinderella figure.

"Definitely need a conversation with DD1 too as she is already “bad talking” this girl based just on her TikTok!"

Shut that shit down! WTF.

Your son has a GF that he's travelling with. He's not brought her home to meet you because he's seen you let your daughter shit talk him, choose to enable his ex that he told you cheated on him, and new GF doesn't need to see or hear daughter 1 shit talking or disrespecting her, much less see how cozy her bf's cheating ex is with his family.

Your other daughter said she seems nice after looking at the same social media.

Your older daughter has an agenda and you'd better put some boundaries in place before she starts in on alienating your younger daughter too.

I had no dramatic reason for cutting my parents off, but like most of my age group, went to university and have had a weekly phone call from then until when I had children.

In contrast someone on this thread has even recommended asking the DS to let the OP track him. And constant messaging is more of a thing.

So yes, “leave me alone” is more of a thing now, it’s not because relationships are worse, it’s because the default is hyper connected.

Yes, i am grateful because there are vile human beings out there disguised as parents

We weren't lacking other things though. People need to realise how priviledged they are. There are 10yr old kids in nigeria who will wake up in the morning, go out all day selling things for the family. So, yes, i am immensely grateful for the cards i was dealt

Yes, i am thankful i had a mother who cared we were breathing and gave the bare necessity. This may seem inadequate to some but to me, i am grateful. I now have a 6mth old DS and will most definitely be giving more love and care than i received. Like i said, my mum wasn't too maternal when we were kids. She is now different though after realising her children is all she has.

Let him go. He'll learn a few things about life and come back grateful to have you, guaranteed. I went travelling on my own in my 20s as an emotional wreck and I couldn't have made a better decision. He's very young, let him work it out for himself for a while.

Ps, i never rang home, admittedly my parents are about as caring and loving as a bag of crisps but it was unusual for travelling 20 somethings to be calling mummy every 5 minutes.

I'm not sure why this girl is taking the brunt of the blame either. You don't even know her.

Having read your updates, you've had his ex and your daughters in his home so much yet you don't seem to have thought how that's made your son feel, of course he's not going to bring his new gf home!

I feel sorry for him. Are you as critical with your daughters or are they all perfect?

DS's update is sensible and proportionate. It's a traditional level of contact for travelling.

DD1 is the greater issue to resolve. If you get better social boundaries established in the next year while he's away, his issues should calm down and be straightforwards to resolve.
Socially she's behaving like a 15yo and getting away with it. She should not be shit stirring about her friend/ ex. She can continue the friendship, but not under the family roof and needs to be discrete about information shared. The family should not be held to ransom by her moods. She's an adult, old enough to have lived away at university for 3-4 years, and she needs expectations of home life to transition her to being able to move out into independent adult life when it's financially viable.

While his complaints about bedrooms and toys are initially superficial and trivial, against a sibling that the family tip-toes around to keep happy, they make sense.

It's also understandable that he's feeling guarded about his new girlfriend.

Spot on

DD1 sounds v insensitive. I don't think there's any point banning ex now, that should have happened when they broke up. You can agree ex is not there when DS is and no more shit stirring narrative from DD1 I think, that seems v reasonable. Dunno why she's so keen to paint your son as a villain, sounds like they both cheated. And shut down any badmouthing of new gf. Then just follow your sons instructions re contact. I'm not sure why ppl need to be in contact every 5 minutes anyway tbh, it's v suffocating and sometimes you just need space from a situation and/or a break. Have to say, reading threads like these always make me feel so relieved I don't have kids though as I'd inevitably fuck it up and I don't fancy being blamed for everything for the rest of my life. I don't think you've done anything terrible for the record, just been a bit insensitive and it sounds like you pander a bit to your daughter over the other DC.

I’d bet diamonds DD1 was in there with her big wooden spoon before the break up. She’s managed to get ds to stop coming home and if I was dd2 I’d be sleeping with one eye open. DD1 is a prime candidate for “failure to launch”.

Privileged upbringing means nothing if you weren't loved or supported

Leave him to it OP. If you can be absolutely sure his childhood was fine then let him go with a clear conscience. It sounds like he’s looking for reasons to justify some dodgy decision making. Which is concerning, but he’s an adult. I’d not feed into this entitled bullshit by begging to be ‘allowed’ to contact him.

Tbf, if he went travelling pre internet you would barely have heard from him. Maybe the odd letter/phone call? Give him some space. Regards his childhood, he’s obviously got a selective memory.

Aw poor entitled little brat. His whole life ruined because he got a smaller bedroom than his sisters and was allowed to use public transport!!! Did you starve or beat him, i suspect not! Looks like he is looking to blame you for all his life mistakes as a result. Let him just go, tell him you love him and let the spolit brat go.

I'd say that this is more to do with the fact that his sister now despises him, she still lives in your house, and his ex is still in his eyes, 'welcomed' into your home, even though they had a messy split. All the niggles from childhood of him thinking you put his sisters first, have risen to the surface as again it seems you are favouring a sister over him. You house should be a safe space for him. If he turned up twice unannounced and his ex was there, she must be around a lot for that to have incidentally happened. I'd say you need to allow him to reclaim your home as his space, not his ex's, and let your daughter know that your son comes first in this split. You say you didn't want to take sides, but he's your son....maybe you should have done, I imagine her parents don't welcome him?

I don’t think it’s strange that adult children need some space from their parents.
Op, we don’t know how much contact and what type of contact you had with him till now. You and him are the only people who know that. Upon reflection, could it have been overbearing for him? Maybe in how often you were in touch, or how you treated him during your conversations? I’m not putting the fault in your shoes, I’m just asking it to help you reflect upon how he might have experienced your contact.

At the end of the day, he’s an adult so you have to respect his wishes. He’s not cut off all contact, as he’s ok with you following him on insta, so you’ll know where he is, what he’s been doing. To put it in a bit of perspective, 20 years ago insta etc didn’t exist and phone calls were really expensive so you wouldn’t have been able to be in touch every day. Even longer ago, the only way to communicate was letters.
however, I would ask him how he wants you to contact him in case of an emergency. Would he want a message through instagram or does he have another option he prefers?

Your post suggests his childhood wasn’t neglectful.
Neglect has a legal definition and some people have been unfortunate enough to be neglected, which his complaints diminish.

Watch him enjoy his trip. Hopefully his 12 month sabbatical will help him grow up, learn about gratitude and appreciate his life and his family a little more!

He’s an adult, so great he’s taking an independent trip, shame he’s doing it with such childish nonsense but maybe he needs 12 months without mummy, daddy and the knowledge he’s got his aunties money to rely on. Sorry OP but he sounds spoilt and entitled. This will be a good life lesson.

However hard this is just stop trying to reason with him and let him get on with it. At 25 he should know his own mind, or at least think he does. All you need to know is that he is safe. Make him think you've let this go.