DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

I'm afraid I agree with this.

And I say that as someone who is nc with a parent due to actual abuse.

One of my friend's sons is nc with her saying similar things. Her partner has a child who is nc with him for similar reasons. And yet both of these young adults had privileged upbringings and they were both good parents.

It reminds me of a comedy sketch I saw many, many years ago where a young adult was on a Ricki Lake type programme bemoaning the fact that having good, loving parents had denied her the opportunity to go to therapy to unpick their traumatic childhood.

OP, I'd let him go and try not to worry. You can see what he's doing via Instagram and hopefully he'll have grown up a bit by the time he returns.

There's not a lot else you can do without perpetuating his narrative and potentially making it worse and, as he's an adult, not a lot else you can do anyway.

My 17yo went to NYC over Christmas and I was worried about him. But he was fine.

Your DS is 25! He's an adult. Respect his wishes or you will push him away complete. He will come to you when he's ready.

It will probably do him good. He may enjoy it or he may get bored (aimless travelling can be dull). It will certainly make or break his relationship with the woman and he will hoover through his savings (which will probably panic him a bit). It sounds like he needs to work out what he wants from life.

I can appreciate how the break up seems insensitive on our part. DS doesn't live at home, his ex moved back after she graduated in summer and lives a few streets away.
We based our choice on her being around on the fact that he rarely just pops home, maybe once a month he would catch a train and "surprise" visit. 2 times his ex has been here but has left as soon as he arrived.
DD does live at home so it seemed odd to ban someone from our house for the sake of the occasional visits DS would make, I can see that might not have been the right choice though.

I would love a three month break from speaking to my family. It would do my mental health the world of good so I completely get where your son is coming from. My parents probably think they did a decent job being parents and from a material side they did but from an emotional side the house was chaotic with fighting and nastiness even as a much older person I have significant scars from their behaviour. OP if I were you I would respect your sons wishes and give him the space he has requested.

This.

I would also ask, if possible, if he would agree to send a weekly text just saying ‘All ok here’ or something.

Our youngest DD has told us this morning she follows the girl he is travelling with on instagram and TikTok and she seems nice from as much as you can tell online. She also apparently posted lots of TikTok's with DS while they were in Aus so hopefully will do the same while travelling and it will be an extra way to make sure he is okay.

I’m on your son’s side. Imagine going through a painful breakup and your ex is swanning in and out of you home! Was he swanning in and out of her home, no, because any decent parent wouldn’t allow that! If your daughter wanted to spend time with her, it should have been at her house.

Can’t believe you didn’t side with your son! Unless it’s something tragic, you always side with your kids, no matter if they are right or wrong, they’re your own!

A once a month surprise visit from a young person that age is actually pretty good. And his ex was there twice (making your home not a safe space to pop into). Given the hostilities with your DD, having her friend/his-ex there does look like favouring the DD. Both DD and friend should have had the sensitivity to give his family home some space. And then you'll wonder why he stopped popping in?

So you hardly see him and every time he turns up his ex was there? Fucking hell OP can you hear yourself? As she lives "right round the corner" would it be inconceivable for your dd to socialise with her friend at her house?

Your ds has made the right decision. He needs a break from you.

When You respond, tell him you all the obvious stuff- wish you’d read things better and sorry that you weren’t as supportive as you thought you were. Love him etc.

But- tell him you’ll miss him desperately and ask him to ease your parent panic by updating insta regularly with himself in it so you know he’s ok! Nice views aren’t enough as someone else could be using his phone. Say you know that’s a bit over dramatic but you’d really appreciate it if he did!

If you are completely honest, have you found your DS more troublesome than his sisters? Room size is a cover, for potentially a feeling he has had all his life.

I know - as one of three - that my brother/sister were always favoured as one was highly intelligent, the other good at sport.

I think I occasionally verbalised this to my parents, and I did do some wayward things. But I’m settled and successful now and resilient. I went travelling, I was wild, I did various things my parents would have been mortified about had they known.

But it’s all ok now. I know that sporting or academic achievement is not the only criteria for success, and I know my parents love/loved me. I know I was probably quite odd, unusual and difficult as a child - but I’ve found my path.

@alizea

Kindly, can I point out that you even trust your youngest daughters opinion of someone she’s only seen on tik tok, over your son - who has met the girl.

I am sorry op but it does seem like your family and you have been incredibly insensitive here. Some random friend is NOT more important than your poor son’s feelings.

I see this too - at the end of the day, OP, you prioritised the feelings the ex GF/family friend over your son. It’s awkward when our children date the children of close friends or BFFs of siblings, but I am afraid the consequence of this mean that hard decisions have to be made. In this case, it should have been that in the event of a break up she would no longer be part of your lives.

My first BFs mother told me explicitly that I was always welcome in their home while I was dating/involved with their son, but should we break up there would be no relationship and no open invitation to their home. I was rather staggered by the bluntness at the time but, in hindsight, I completely get it. My relationship was with their son. Once the exGF and your DS started to date, the relationship changed and you should have been mature enough to anticipate that there would be fallout if they broke up.

I’m afraid I would state that, due to your son’s distress, she is no longer welcome at your home. And your DD will have to accept that her friend will have to be seen elsewhere. In the years to come things will likely change and DD won’t have to worry about inviting her BFF and Dbro to her wedding etc because they will both have moved on, but right now the whole family needs to apologise and take steps to demonstrate that he is more important than the friend.

Messy difficult break up and in your sons opinion you sided with his ex even though he was devastated? That sounds heartbreaking for him in addition to all the other heartbreak

Instead of taking this on board, you're making excuses

I think you've hurt him deeply and from this hurt he has extrapolated other times in his life when you have again sided with his sisters (as he believes you've sided with his ex) and not him

No matter what you believe, your son believes that you let him down

Don’t feel bad about it though OP, parenting is hard and getting it right is even trickier.

I think the best thing to do is tell him you understand, your not perfect and you got it wrong. You hope he has a lovely time and going forward you will be more emotionally supportive. You’re never too old to grow, as they say.

You appear tone deaf. Listen to your DS. His ex shouldn't have been in the family home. I agree with others.

That was insensitive.

You still sound like you think your role was to be a neutral, fair to both sides.

Yes, especially since the girlfriend is friends with the sister that he feels was favoured over him and now the sister's friend gets equal billing in fairness to him, the son. I can see how that would open up childhood wounds when he felt like he was the least important child.

Perfect response right here op

Well, the upshot is that your home is no longer a safe haven for your son, OP - regardless of how often he wants to visit. It’s filled by a sister who thinks he’s awful, parents who don’t want to “take sides” against his ex, and the ex herself who feels free to continue to put her feet up chez toi. The same ex who has apparently been slagging your kid to high heaven.

Really quite a staggering lack of sensitivity and insight all round. It’s easier now to understand why he feels second to his sisters - he’s second to a non-related ex who hates him!

I hope you can fix this and that the time away gives him a chance to clear his head.

I think Hess got alot of pressure right now probably put on himself to be or do something… I would see this small attack on you as way of him expressing that he has unmet needs. But likely knows that he needs to now meet them himself. I would reassure him it’s ok to not know exactly what he wants right now and encourage him to take a bit of time to figure it out.

Initial posts: this was totally out of the blue, I have no idea why he’s unhappy with us, he only gave us these petty examples of favoring his sisters…

Drip feed: He lost a serious relationship and his close relationship with his sister in one fell swoop because she fully sided with his ex and we refused to do anything to support him that might upset our DD including telling her she was being a lousy sister or making sure he could come home to visit without walking in to his gf treating our home like her own.

Predictable.

Tell your DS you’re sorry for mishandling his breakup and that you love him and will miss him. Tell him you’ll respect his request not to contact him but you’ll worry so you’d appreciate him sending a quick “I’m ok” every week or so if he’s not updating instagram regularly. Wish him an amazing trip and tell him you’re looking forward to stories of his adventures when he comes back.

https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html