DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

Yes, even towards the ex-gf.

Please read @Machya 's post just before this one, OP. I think this is why your son needs space. All the other stuff is just coming up because of this issue, is what I'd guess.

Give him his space. He might need some cooling down time. However, he should still be checking in with someone regularly for his own safety.

"Babyish and dramatic" for announcing it and trying to explain his feelings? Right-o. Obviously would have been so much more grown up and manly to just disappear without a word.

Okay, so nothing abusive. Why then does your daughter think her brother is so awful?

I think this girl (and possibly your daughter) lacks a sensitivity chip if she is still coming round to your house in the wake of a messy break up. Yes, she’s been friends with your daughter since a very young age and I’m not suggesting your daughter should have binned her off. But he is YOUR kid, not her.

In her place, I like to think I’d have stayed away from what is his family home for a good while, even if he is not living in it. He should be able to pop home to see his parents without running the risk of bumping into her.

If I’d split up with an ex in non-abusive circumstances, I’d want my parents to support ME instead of channelling Switzerland. He took a risk when he decided to start dating his sister’s close friend (how did your daughter feel about this?) but so did she. I don’t think, at least in the short term, you should have proceeded as if your home was still an open house to her. On that basis, I can kind of see why he feels you favour his sisters.

Don’t agree with his behaviour though - that sounds childish and inconsiderate.

I'm a little older than your son but what he is telling you sounds remarkably like my experience. My parents never understand my perspective of my childhood and always reinforce how my sister and I were loved and treated equally. The reality is to this day, all my parents ever bleat on about is my sister's achievements and how intelligent and accomplished she is at everything. This has lead to her to lack resilience and boast frequently as an adult.

Objectively I have achieved far more of life's "milestones" but this is overlooked. I remember going through a break up in my early twenties when we both lived at home and my sister who is close in age to me started messaging my ex asking to hang out as friends. My parents did nothing at all and practically sided with her when I became angry. Just be aware that your son's lived experience may differ to yours.

Yes, I agree with this. The bedroom and lifts grievances are a bit pathetic, but the ex should have stayed away from your home and you should have ensured she did. There’s no way I would have been happy if one of my ex’s had carried on visiting my home as my DB’s mate.

"Our eldest 2 DC were close until the break up , now DD has fully sided with her friend and thinks DS is awful."

And you tjink on the back of this his ex being in and out of the house was a good idea.

Parenting is hard, god knows I know it, but this is really shocking.

The amount of young men who fall apart completely when they experience their first real heartbreak is huge.

No one forgets the first time they deal with these huge emotions.

In my circle I have heard of it being a big thing around this age and recovery taking a good year.
Parents being very worried about them too.

OP's son has lost his girlfriend and his sister.

And his parents think it appropriate she be in and out of the house willy nilly.

Unbelievable.
OP, you are dead right to be seriously concerned about your relationship with your son.

I know my son wouldn't get over knowing that I put my daughters friend ahead of him and he couldn't visit his home without running in to her.....and his sister is pissed off with him.

Really awful.
Poor lad.

It does seem like you could perhaps have handled the breakup better.

I don't think there's much you can do now. Keep an eye on his Instagram so you know he's ok. If you don't respect his wishes you'll push him away, and also make it very hard for him to backtrack if he wants to.

Just wish him well on his travels, and maybe apologise for the way you handled the breakup before he goes. Could you give him a token gift for his travels to show he has your blessing?

im certainly on your ds side

thr more this thread evolves and I read your answers to questions, it’s clear why your ds feels unsupported and unfavoured by you

The bedroom and the rest are part of the bigger picture. I agree the ex is the issue and the putting DD's friendship with her above your son by letting her still come round etc.

I remember in my twenties having some angst towards my parents (justified as they were cold and unloving) I never addressed it with them as I didn't feel comfortable doing so but I did get therapy and learnt that whilst it impacted on my childhood as an adult I am responsible for my own decisions and choices. Also having my own kids helped me realise parents are not infallible.
When my kids hit late teens there was suddenly some angst towards me and their father, it was tough as I remember their childhood as being idyllic. Younger dd got through that stage, elder dd has a bit of lasting resentment that we favoured her sister.

It sounds like the break up was tough and it's a bit crap tgat he lost his sister and his ex was still welcome in the house. It doesn't sound like he was well supported. It perhaps made him think about the dynamics in childhood.

I'd say be supportive, reassure him that you love him and will be here when he's ready.

He's 25 so I think you have to respect his wishes but make it clear you're around if needed. I fear he's being taken for a ride as a young man with a healthy bank balance but you can do much about that unfortunately. I'd be worried and sad but given his age is hard to see what you can do.

Ask him to text weekly - you can keep him up to speed with homelife around you and DH, don't mention the DGF and not the DD much.
You want to know he's alive!!!! And are interested in the places he visits.
And to let you know if he needs urgent money or any health issues.

I’d just write him a message saying: I am deeply sorry that we did not prioritise your feelings over ExGF and that we failed to meet your needs. I can see now how this looks and how it seems that we did not consider your feelings. It was never our intention to do anything but love each of you to the best of our ability, but I can totally appreciate how thoughtless and hurtful we have been. Please know that we do love and support you and will always be here for you and respect your request for space in the hope that some time away will help. We hope you and your friend have an amazing trip but do ask that you carry our contact details in case of an emergency and that you just drop a text to one of us from time to time to reassure us you are well and happy. We will be here if you need anything.

ETA reflect the utter insensitivity and general thoughtlessness of OP and family as revealed via the drip feed.

Quite. No wonder your DS feels sidelined. Ex girlfriend still a frequent visitor to your house. His sister taking the side of the ex because it is her friend. No wonder your DS wants to get away. Think yourself lucky he isn't stopping contact permanently.

I agree, and I too think @Machya is spot on.
And building on that, the thing about his room is that if it was the only place he had in the house which was his (a space his ex gf wouldn’t be), then I imagine those four walls really did feel small.

She will be able to see his Instagram.

Maybe agree not to contact as long as his Instagram looks to be regularly updated?

OH, Ok, Can he block you? I dont' know insta

I agree with this, OP. I would have told DD to see her friend somewhere else.

I think saying 'we have somehow failed' just says they haven't been listening. Somehow sounds like they don't have a clue. Their son has been quite specific.

It doesn't matter if it was their intention or not. As I had to explain to my parent about something they didn't intend, the consequences are the consequences even if you didn't intend it.

Saying 'we love and support you always' might be like rubbing salt into a wound given that they haven't shown love and support over the break up with neutrality.

This message would just drive me further away.

Have updated now in reflection of the drip feed updates that I have missed…

From what you’ve said it might be that he just needs to distance himself from the ex at the moment and that unfortunately means distancing from you too. Worst case scenario is that the new one is isolating him for some reason, cults spring to mind. Either way all you can do at the moment is leave the door open for him.

The ex sounds selfish in wanting his attention and support while he was studying . I presume while they were in the process of breaking up she was visiting your home and getting support from your daughter. All the while you were "sitting on the fence '. That must have been a painful and difficult period for him. To compound that nothing has changed for her. She is still visiting your home and being treated well which he clearly finds uncomfortable.

While some of his other reasoning may be questionable he clearly feels unsupported and isolated within his own family. His sister is being particularly cruel and from what you've said you have endorsed her behaviour.
I completely understand why he might need some space. He has set his boundaries. Good for him.

I would probably assume in light of the drip feed and the fact his own mother has so little insight into how hurtful this situation must be for him, that this new girl is probably not a drug runner or anything dodgy. She’s probably just supportive and on his side.

At some level, I think everyone needs to feel their family has got their back. By OP’s own admission, his sister had taken the ex’s side and she and her husband were so busy being neutral, to the point that the sensitivity-free ex felt at liberty to continue to swan in and out of the family home. Thanks, mum and dad!

So this girl may just offer the kind of support he can’t rely on from his own parents. And the fact he can go to see her without running the risk of his ex marking her scent all over the family home is probably a bit of a plus too.

I agree with @Machya - sounds
like you’ve badly mishandled the break up. I imagine the other things (bigger bedroom etc) are only coming to his mind because of this. You’ve put your daughter’s friend ahead of your own son at his most vulnerable time.

I would suggest you apologise sincerely. Focus on how he feels, not whether you think he has the right to feel that way or whether you meant him to feel so.

I think it’s ok to tell him that you would love him to stay in contact during his travels but you won’t force it, and see what he comes up with. A sincere apology from you might make a big difference.

It will all come right, as long as you’re able to acknowledge his feelings rather than being defensive.

Unfortunately I think that I can also see his point of view around trying to ‘stay out’ of his breakup. He probably felt quite unsupported, especially if she was still ‘in and out of the house’ throughout the breakup. Of course you are fond of her, but if you’re not going to back your own child at that moment, when will you do so?

She will go off to have her own relationship and likely her own family elsewhere. But this is your son.

You also need to have a firm word with your DD about taking up this stance against her brother.

I would consider trying something like family counselling or mediation before he departs. If you can persuade him to do it, that is.