DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

I think you’re right to be concerned. Maybe what you could do is offer to fund the trip for them both to return to London - if this is financially possible for you - so you have a firm date they will be in the U.K.

Offer to take them out for a meal so you can meet her and you can see for yourself.

This should also get her name and passport details. Her citizenship and address. Among other things.

OP you really shouldn't let any of this worry you. You've provided a warm and loving home, to the extent that your son feels badly done to because you once missed a match. Good grief. When he's seen the world, I hope he winces at this childish nonsense.

This sounds absolutely awful to be told this by your son op. Chances are he will lighten up as he goes.

I have to say though, people here vilifying young people for putting space need to consider why. I do not have much contact with my mum because she was neglectful, and I mean it. She had horses and plenty of cigarettes yet we didn't have food and necessary health products. She made me lie about my stepdad hurting me and she hit me very often.

Friends in my age group have similar issues with parents in neglect and selfish ways, I think a generation were encouraged to be selfish and create independent children and unfortunately they reap what they sow. I'm not saying this is the OP, I am responding to the generalisation in other posters replies here

Maybe he only visited twice after the breakup because the OP has already said the ex moved back to her parents and was at OPs every day.
He also only visited a few times during the relationship because he was working and studying all the hours god sends - as opposed to his ex who didn't work so visited every weekend!
But regardless of that it's still his family home; my mum left home 50 years ago but my Grandparents still tell her it's still her home, likewise I left home 20+ years ago and my sister about the same and our parents say the same. Your childhood home is always your home and you should always feel welcome there!

It sounds like he has been pushing himself to the limit with all the studying, working and extra coaching and needs to let off some steam. Also he feels unappreciated by the family and his ex as if he has had to do things for himself while everyone else was more catered to - this may just be his perspective, but the friendship between ex and DD may make him feel like home and family are not a supportive place for him any more. I would let him go, as travelling often leads to reduced contact anyway, making it clear you have taken on board all his grievances and you will be there for him whenever he decides to get back in contact with you. He will learn an awful lot about life on his travels! Take care of you too and look on this as valuable life experience for him!

But it's not only that she missed a match - it's more than that. It's that she's allowed his sister to dictate their everyday lives to the point OP is scared to say anything to her 23 year old daughter her and his ex bad mouthing him in his own home because the 23 year old will "kick off".
It's the fact that she sided with his ex over him when they broke up by telling her son she was staying neutral but allowing his ex to sit in his home badmouthing him.
Also the special meal after the match that was for him - he didn't get to decide what they ate or where they went his sister did because she's a picky eater.
The same daughter who whenever he comes to visit tells him "that she's the favourite child" and op refuses to deny it because she'll kick off!
Yes they may have had a great life financially and materialisticly but at the one time in his life he asked for his parents support they put his sisters want to have a friend over everyday (his ex) over the fact that he needed his parents and needed them and their home to be his safe space.
And OP has said that the sister and ex have followed his new GF on tiktok and are already slagging her off to the OP and she's allowing this, is it any wonder he feels emotionally neglected?

Have you read all of OPs posts? Where she basically admits that DD1 is her favourite and that she allowed DD1 and her son's exGF to push him out of his own family?

Respect his wishes but ask him to check in fortnightly. Even if it's just a quick, this is where I am text. Noth8ng you can do unfortunately, if he refuses. Send him off with your love.

Yet another thread where it's clear some contributors don't read past.the opening post.
She didn't and hasn't provided a warm and loving home. She didn't just miss a match either. She and her husband have allowed her daughter to dictate and rule the roost and put her daughter's friend before her own child.
No surprise he wants distance between them. It has taken quite a bit for @alizea to even begin to think that her own behaviour and clear favouritism for her daughter is responsible for the situation. Now she is using her other daughter to follow her son's travelling companion.
Wonder how the chat went with the manipulator?

To be fair to your son, with the examples you have given I can see why he feels like his sisters were favoured over him.
But I also feel for you because juggling three children and their activities is a nightmare. I’m assuming there wasn’t extended family in the picture, when our 3 children have all had something important to them on the same time (which thankfully happens rarely!) A grandparent/Aunt/Uncle is sent to be the cheerleader for whichever child doesn’t have one of us.
I think it’s easy to fall in the trap of thinking ‘but his childhood was so privileged etc’ and obviously there are people out there that have had or are currently experiencing horrendous childhoods, but for whatever reason your son feels let down and he is entitled to that opinion.
A few things are a little odd, our children’s rooms sizes are based on age, oldest has the biggest room and I think I would have said to your DD that as they were grown up she could meet her friend (his ex) outside of the house rather then carry on letting her visit because your Son would think that by letting things carry on as normal, that his ex girlfriend was having his family side with her.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, I openly say to my eldest that I know I didn’t/dont get everything right, no one knows what they are doing and we can only try our best. I think the bond I have with my eldest is stronger because of the fact I say they taught me to be a mum and I just muddled through as best as I could. I think that’s probably what your son needs to hear, and that you know you didn’t get everything right but you love him so much.

All his life's mistakes?
He's 25 and has already worked hard enough to save £75k so he's taking a gap year after finishing his masters degree before going back to work! I'm not sure b that's someone who has made many mistakes in life!
The OP however pushing him out of his own home in favour of his ex because she's friends with her daughter.......

So he’s financially sensible, young with no responsibilities and wants to go travelling I think you just have to let him go and respect his wishes of no contact I’m in no way saying it’s easy for you and I understand that you are hurt by what he has said but let him go it could give some perspective. Wish him well and let him know that he can contact you if you wants to at anytime.

I think most people look back on their childhood and think it wasn't perfect. My db and myself often felt abandoned and that what we felt was unimportant. My df was always the priority for dm and he still is but we often felt surplus to requirements. Now they are both in their 80s and db is dead and I think they did their best, it could have been worse! My dc have expressed things about their own childhood and that's fine - I would have loved to have given them an amazing childhood but I know I didn't.

In a few years and certainly when he has dc himself he'll realise how difficult it is to balance the needs of everyone.

He is blaming his mum and dad for being bad parents is what i am referring to, everything in his life, the way he feels is because of them. Still think it seems to be easy to blame his parents, sounds like a whiny entitled brat. I think OP feels sad that he even feels like this. I mean no contact, that is harsh.

That's a rather large extrapolation from what he said which is (quoted from OP)
he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up

That doesn't sound like he is blaming them for everything in his life, simply his bad relationship with them.

It might be worth you reading the op's updates after the first post to get some context. There's a bit more to it since the original post.

Agree @Screwcorona it’s not always entitlement. Sorry you experienced this. I had a similar home life and still get gaslit that it was just a different time 🤦‍♀️
it gave me a GSOH though 🤷‍♀️😂