DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

[Bellanova]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

No, I wouldn’t believe his version of events either. Oral sex is more personal and intimate imo.

Sorry to hear that OP!

Why on earth is he following her on Instagram if he doesn't know her / it wasn't premeditated?

Whatever he tells you is his version of events. You won't ever know if it's the truth, but honestly people will admit to as little as they think they can get away with as a rule of thumb. Enough to pacify you, but not the full truth.

Why don't you want to leave him? He's a drug user and a cheat?

Is what he's done not bad enough to leave?! He would've fucked her if she'd let him

I'm sorry to hear that. He went back to this woman's house to have sex. The only guarantee you have with cheats is that they minimise and lie.

I would get some legal advice and tell him to move out.

You leave. Why on earth wouldn’t you. He’s a man who has affairs and takes drugs. This isn’t who you want around your child.

Jesus there is no version of events possible in this scenario where I'd stay with this man , ick🏃‍♀️

It may have been oral sex and not full sex, I know some women who have that approach but does that make any difference?
I wouldn’t get caught up in whether it was oral sex or full sex, its still the same outcome that’s he’s cheated.
I’d ask him to leave while you get your mind sorted and process this, I’m sorry this has happened OP

Does it matter if they had sex? He intimately touched another woman and she gave him two blow jobs. I think oral sex can be more intimate than PIV.

He cheated on you. Used illegal drugs (on a work trip!!). I'd probably want him to move out while I considered my options. I don't think this is something I could get past, especially if he works away regularly.

Sorry you are dealing with this OP.

Does it really matter whether he had oral sex with her or piv? He has still cheated on you.
And taken drugs.
Even if you can get over what he's done this time how can you trust him again?

He was drunk and drugged up the night before -no excuse.
He was sober the next morning-what’s his excuse?

Op your young you have one life. He will do it again. Know your worth and leave for someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve

Get out now OP. My ex cheated when I was 24. I stayed, he did it again six years later when we had a 2YO. Probably in between then too.

Life is too short. Please don't use the 9MO as an excuse. Get out for your sake now. I promise you won't regret it.

What he’s already admitted to would be more than enough for me to be gone OP. If you accept it this time you set the precedent that it’s okay, meaning this won’t be the last time

To be honest the cocaine would be enough for me to leave him.
I also think that oral sex is still sex and definitely still full on cheating.
So for me whether he is telling the full story is irrelevant he has still broken your trust and the terms of your relationship.

Does it even matter whether they had full sex? He went back to hers and allowed her to perform oral sex on him twice. That would be enough for me to end the relationship and then there's the drugs too, and him following her socials!

He says "he wasn't thinking" when he left the club with her, but he was able to think that she might fuck him once he got back with her, despite her saying otherwise.

It's likely that more went on than he's willing to admit. I couldn't accept my partner having any kind of sex with another person and the trust would most certainly be gone. If your bar is set low and you stay with him, then for goodness sake get him to take an STI test before you go near him again.

His story doesn't add up. If he follows her on Instagram I think he was hoping to meet up with her and have sex of whatever variety he could. It was no accident. Up to you what you do of course but there's a very strong possibility it will happen again.

Jesus OP - you deserve so much better than the way he is treating you.

The following on Instagram is, for me, the most suspicious part. He followed her before or after the trip? And what justification for this has he given?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I could NEVER trust a man who betrayed his marriage vows like this.

Make an exit plan and leave.

You deserve a happy life and I can’t see how you could ever have this with a man that does this.

To me there seems little distinction between this and full sex. He may be lying but what’s the point? Even what he has admitted to is enough that I’d want to end things. And why is he following her on instagram??

I would certainly ask him to leave while you consider your options. Personally I would end the marriage.

I think you are under-reacting and focusing on the wrong thing- did they have full sex- rather than the fact that he was unfaithful. That’s understandable as you are in shock but don’t let him minimise what he has done.

He cheated. The sex acts he was invloved in doesn’t matter. He is a cheated and if you stay with him then he will do it again.

Oh cmon, what woman does that, it’s like some teenage boy fantasy.

OP - get the ick, and get angry. What he's done is vile, regardless of the specifics

He says while they were in the club he asked for her insta, he said he doesn’t know why he asked. She then apparently took his phone to type her own username in and she has accepted his follow request. She has requested to follow him but he hasn’t accepted that.

She looks pretty young maybe 20-22 and her insta is filled with bikini pics etc.

I wouldn’t believe him either, but does it matter?

This will eat you from the inside out, forever. You don’t want this for your life. He has shown himself to be the character that cheats, so he will do it again and has likely done it before. Think more of yourself than condemning yourself to this life.

What made him tell you? Very unusual to admit so openly he had cheated, unless he thought someone else might tell you?

I’m sorry, can’t imagine how you must feel x