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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

680 replies

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 06:53

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

OP posts:
Whachamacallit · 22/01/2025 08:11

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

The first step is to book an STI check for yourself. He has shown himself to be untrustworthy, and your health is too important to now take his word that it wasn’t more than oral, or that this was the first time.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 22/01/2025 08:11

There’s no ‘sort of’ about it: he cheated. And used cocaine.

I’m so sorry, OP. That would be it for me.

Emilianoo · 22/01/2025 08:14

Hes gone away, asked someone for their insta, took drugs, got his dick sucked, probably had full sex multiple times with her, text his mate to say she gave good head, but you want to save your marriage? Sorry this has happened to you, but wow! He doesn't deserve that chance.

Onlycoffee · 22/01/2025 08:15

You've literally said you don't believe him, so add in liar to the mix.
He cheated and then lied to you about it.
He boasted to his friend about it.

He's only showing remorse because he got caught.

And now he knows he can do it and get away with it again, but he'll make sure he covers it up better next time.

How will you trust him the next time he goes away for work?

PoppyGalore1 · 22/01/2025 08:15

This is so sad to read especially as you have such a young child. I hate to say it but once you forgive, I just feel the respect for you, in his eyes has gone (not that he’s shown you any level of respect by doing this) and he’ll just do it again because you’ve forgiven him before. Also he was very drunk but managed to ask for her instagram?!

If he’s in an industry like that, it won’t be the last time he uses coke either.

flippinnorrra · 22/01/2025 08:16

Ok the brag to his mate shows he's absolutely not remorseful. He just doesn't want to blow up his life over this. He's sorry he had to tell you. But he enjoyed it enough to brag.
And to answer your question - yes, that might well be what happened but it doesn't mean he wouldn't have done more if it had been on offer.
And it was pre- meditated in that between leaving the club and getting to her hotel, he could have said no.

abs12 · 22/01/2025 08:16

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 08:09

I don’t know how to do that?

Show quote history

Go into his account on his phone, his following list, find her name, click on three dots on the right. Click on shared activity....

Good luck OP xx

Original poster
Bellanova · 22/01/2025 08:17

I feel sick.

I asked to read the messages between him and his work mate. He said “remember that girl I was talking to” and the mate replied which one? He then described her as the “tall, tan, Spanish, hot, tits out”. He then told his friend he’d gone back to hers and she’d been a “tease” his mate asked what he meant and he said she gave him head twice but that was it. His mate replied which “oh really” and he said “yeah, best head I’ve ever had ngl”.

I feel so so sick reading those :/

OP posts:
paperklip · 22/01/2025 08:17

Everyone is different, I get that. I just don’t understand how some woman even consider staying with their DH has done something as disgusting as this. I’d be sick and not able to look after DH again. Maybe that’s just me.

poppymango · 22/01/2025 08:18

“I cheated, well sort of"

Does he actually think that oral sex somehow doesn't count??

It sounds like the realities of being an adult with responsibilities have hit him and he's regressing a bit. Honestly, I would be very susprised if this is the last time, and it's probably not the first time he's kissed someone else (but it's ok in his mind because that's only "sort of" cheating 🙄).

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I want to say get rid, but I know that's easier said than done when you have a little one together.

paperklip · 22/01/2025 08:18

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 08:17

I feel sick.

I asked to read the messages between him and his work mate. He said “remember that girl I was talking to” and the mate replied which one? He then described her as the “tall, tan, Spanish, hot, tits out”. He then told his friend he’d gone back to hers and she’d been a “tease” his mate asked what he meant and he said she gave him head twice but that was it. His mate replied which “oh really” and he said “yeah, best head I’ve ever had ngl”.

I feel so so sick reading those :/

Leave OP… surely you can’t be considering staying with this fool.

Azandme · 22/01/2025 08:18

He wasn't mortified, apologetic, or remorseful when he was complimenting her skills to his mate...

He was proud.

He wasn't saying, "Oh my God, what have I done?! I've betrayed my wife! I have to fix this. I'm so disgusted with myself!"

He was saying, "Hot. Tits out." "Best head I've ever had."

He's PROUD of it.

I'd make him leave.

Nothatgingerpirate · 22/01/2025 08:19

Get rid of this piece of shit.
Harsh and simple.
He moves out, pays child maintenance.
At least you are married, not just a partner.
Sorry.

Original poster
Bellanova · 22/01/2025 08:19

abs12 · 22/01/2025 08:16

Go into his account on his phone, his following list, find her name, click on three dots on the right. Click on shared activity....

Good luck OP xx

Show quote history

It says Jan 2025 so that checks out.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 22/01/2025 08:19

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 08:05

I’ve thought about messaging her and he’s said I can if I want.
I just asked him if anyone else knows and he says he told one of the guys he was away with, as the guy asked where he’d got off to. He said I can read the messages he sent to this friend but I might not like it because he told this guy that “she gave good head”. He is still very apologetic and keeps asking me what he can do to make it better. He’s called in sick to work as he wants to be with me so we can start working through it.

Show quote history

Honestly, the boasting to his mates after the event is absolutely repellent and is highly suggestive that his "remorse" with you is just a front. Because if he was genuinely remorseful a) in the morning when he woke up sober, he would have been out of there ASAP rather than lying back for another BJ b) he would have been wracked with guilt straight away and scrabbling to ensure colleagues would keep it rather secret rather than gloating about the quality of the oral sex. What a disgusting man. I cannot imagine staying with this creature.

Wasptv · 22/01/2025 08:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WomenInConstruction · 22/01/2025 08:20

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 08:05

I’ve thought about messaging her and he’s said I can if I want.
I just asked him if anyone else knows and he says he told one of the guys he was away with, as the guy asked where he’d got off to. He said I can read the messages he sent to this friend but I might not like it because he told this guy that “she gave good head”. He is still very apologetic and keeps asking me what he can do to make it better. He’s called in sick to work as he wants to be with me so we can start working through it.

Show quote history

He's pulled a sickie to 'start working through it'.

  1. One day is a drop in the ocean so that's a laughable empty gesture. Suspect the reality is he's panicking.
  2. Ideally he should be giving you space to digest what he's told you.

At this stage, staying close will do more to manage your reactions and influence your point of view on this than it will ever to do to 'work through it'. I think he intuitively knows this even if it isn't a conscious manipulation.

In your shoes I would get some distance so you can process and take this all in without him in your ear. Once this has hit you, you will have a clearer sense of where you personally stand on this and crucially what you are going to need and expect from him next, for salvage or not.

He's desperate not to lose his cosy life for this act of betrayal and while you are no doubt wanting to see he is remorseful, you also need to be able to see this event with clear eyes or any decisions you take will be made in a perfect storm of shock, sympathy for his distress, desperation not to lose your happy family, wanting to believe he can do better in future (which may or may not be true).

You need time and space not immersion in his desperation. He will want to move quickly from 'you did what!?' to 'yes maybe we can get through this' ... When in reality that's a big commitment of effort and should be taken carefully and slowly, if at all.

Can you go and stay somewhere for a week?

WildAquaBiscuit · 22/01/2025 08:21

Just for clarification, do ladies think that oral sex is different than penetrative sex? Is lack of intercourse less of a betrayal?
Interested in opinions. Imo betrayal is just that, no matter the level of intimacy. Ty.

whereaw · 22/01/2025 08:21

Honestly, there is no coming back from this.

He's not worth it and you must show your child you their mummy is worth more than this.

MJconfessions · 22/01/2025 08:21

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I think YABU with the above statement. Inviting someone in doesn’t equal consent to sex after all, you’re not dumb enough to think otherwise surely?

however what I would say is that in this scenario penetrative sex is less intimate for a woman than giving head twice. So that just sounds like a lie coming from a man, ie your partner probably thinks oral sex sounds less worse than full sex so a safer thing to admit to. But he doesn’t realise the female perspective that oral sex takes more effort/intimacy

also something that doesn’t make sense about his story is that he is saying they didn’t have full sex cause she didn’t want to…but he’s essentially admitting he would have had full sex given the chance.

Completelyjo · 22/01/2025 08:22

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

Who cares? He went back with someone with the intention of fucking her while you were at home with the baby. If you’re trying to set full sex as some sort of bar you need to have a look at yourself.

Chillilounger · 22/01/2025 08:22

It sounds like he wants out of and is giving you all the ammo. Maybe having a young child isn't what he envisioned and he wants to be able to go clubbing etc. Not acceptable behaviour at all from him.

WomenInConstruction · 22/01/2025 08:22

harriethoyle · 22/01/2025 08:19

Honestly, the boasting to his mates after the event is absolutely repellent and is highly suggestive that his "remorse" with you is just a front. Because if he was genuinely remorseful a) in the morning when he woke up sober, he would have been out of there ASAP rather than lying back for another BJ b) he would have been wracked with guilt straight away and scrabbling to ensure colleagues would keep it rather secret rather than gloating about the quality of the oral sex. What a disgusting man. I cannot imagine staying with this creature.

Show quote history

Agree.
Reviewing her performance with a colleague tells you that he was thrilled to bag this young beauty and have his kicks this way. That's a rather grim attitude for an adult man to have towards an available female when he's married with a child.

Londonrach1 · 22/01/2025 08:23

If you believe him he still cheated....I think you right they had sex but even if they didn't he stuck his pensis in her mouth......kissed and felt her. Do you want to be with someone who has done that to another woman when he is meant to be with you?

Schoolchoicesucks · 22/01/2025 08:23

You asked if it's likely that she "just" gave him oral. It's entirely possible. What difference does that make?

He went back with a girl he met in a club, wanted sex, received oral and then did it again in the morning. He boasted about it to his workmates.

He frequently goes away for work trips, staying over the weekend.

Don't accept this, he's a cheater.

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