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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

680 replies

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 06:53

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

OP posts:
KvotheTheBloodless · 22/01/2025 07:13

Oral is still sex! What a mad distinction he's making. He had sex with her, where his penis went is neither here nor there.

InkHeart2024 · 22/01/2025 07:13

Does it matter whether his penis went in her vagina or only her mouth? It's all cheating. Does he think it's less bad if it was only oral sex?

thepariscrimefiles · 22/01/2025 07:14

It's still cheating whether he had penetrative sex or not.

That would be a red line for most people.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 22/01/2025 07:15

To me it wouldn't matter, one isn't less bad than the other, you're also realising now you can't trust him, so what about the next trip? He behaves like this while you are at home with your baby. You need to leave

Ameliepoulainandthephotobooth · 22/01/2025 07:15

It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t full sex.He put his cock in her mouth.

How would he feel if you gave his friend a BJ? He wouldn’t like it and he certainly wouldn’t be running to follow you both on Instagram.

And then there’s the coke……

This isn’t ok.

Ameliepoulainandthephotobooth · 22/01/2025 07:16

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 07:11

He says while they were in the club he asked for her insta, he said he doesn’t know why he asked. She then apparently took his phone to type her own username in and she has accepted his follow request. She has requested to follow him but he hasn’t accepted that.

She looks pretty young maybe 20-22 and her insta is filled with bikini pics etc.

Show quote history

Bless him, poor chap!

Kattuccino · 22/01/2025 07:16

Also, the fact that he thinks what is did is only 'sort of' cheating would concern me.

Would he be OK with you going home with another man, touching him, then him going down on you? Or would it be actual cheating in that scenario?

PinkyFlamingo · 22/01/2025 07:17

Why would you stay with a man who has cheated, it doesn't matter if it was "full" sex or not he let another woman suck his penis!!!

Onelifeonly · 22/01/2025 07:18

It doesn't matter what he says they did - he went to hers with the intention of doing whatever she would have agreed to. I can't see the distinction v oral / piv as being pivotal, though I assume he thinks you see oral as lesser.

Only good thing here is he has confessed.

Nonaynevernomore · 22/01/2025 07:19

He was cheating the moment he had sexual
contact, what type of sexual contact that is, is irrelevant.

inquisitiveinga · 22/01/2025 07:19

Hey OP. Huge hug - this must be totally heartbreaking wrenching and I'm so, so sorry. I hope you and baby are as ok as you can be.

Next... WHY ON EARTH DO YOU WANT TO STAY? I would say that's a form of self harm. You will never forget about this, it will come up on arguments time and time again. It will hurt every time. You will feel sick when he leaves the house without you. No. Stop this ridiculous train of thought.

I have been a single mother and yes, it's hard. However, I PROMISE it's a lot easier than the life you are otherwise paving for yourself. My son and I have the best memories of just him and I. I now have a new partner who views him as his own and recently a baby girl. I deserved better. I got better.

Do not allow yourself or your child to settle for this total dick. Be strong.

Newnamesameme · 22/01/2025 07:20

Op imagine if this is your best friend and how angry and disgusted you would be.
Get angry and get your self ready to leave. He disrespected you so much on this trip. He now has the audacity to claim this as sort of cheating? Hoe date he. He is a father and he is taking drugs in work trips. He is disgusting

Nonaynevernomore · 22/01/2025 07:20

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 07:11

He says while they were in the club he asked for her insta, he said he doesn’t know why he asked. She then apparently took his phone to type her own username in and she has accepted his follow request. She has requested to follow him but he hasn’t accepted that.

She looks pretty young maybe 20-22 and her insta is filled with bikini pics etc.

Show quote history

He doesn’t know why he asked?

it’s so he can ogle at his sexual conquest.

Let the poor guy know that, he seems confused.

Dinosweetpea · 22/01/2025 07:20

None of this is OK, it doesn't matter which hole it was - it wasn't one of yours!
Please leave this man , what he has done is awful and unforgivable.

Original poster
Bellanova · 22/01/2025 07:24

Thanks everyone.

I trust this hasn’t happened before as he was so off when he got home and he does seem to feel genuinely bad.
I don’t want my marriage to end as I love him and our family and generally we never have issues this is a first but I don’t know if I just haven’t processed the magnitude fully yet.

OP posts:
Hwi · 22/01/2025 07:27

Don't believe a word of his, from now on - any word of his. You are young and have your life ahead of you - leave him. You still have time to sort your life out. If you stay, it will be repeated. I don't think I could have recovered from that - it is not a 50-year old itch - he already does not love you. And yes, it was premeditated.

Nottodaythankyou123 · 22/01/2025 07:27

I could possibly try and work through the drunken incident, but to do it again when sober and not immediately unfollow her on Instagram doesn’t exactly scream of remorse.

inquisitiveinga · 22/01/2025 07:28

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 07:24

Thanks everyone.

I trust this hasn’t happened before as he was so off when he got home and he does seem to feel genuinely bad.
I don’t want my marriage to end as I love him and our family and generally we never have issues this is a first but I don’t know if I just haven’t processed the magnitude fully yet.

No. You clearly haven't processed the magnitude. You would be insane to stay. Please absorb what we are telling you.

Sometimes we have to leave the people we love because we deserve better. You deserve better.

Self respecting women leave men that do this to them (and vis versa). Do not stay. You will find love again. Respect yourself, please (please please please!!!!).

Tisthedamnseason · 22/01/2025 07:28

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

To be honest, it wouldn't really matter to me whether it was sex or oral sex. I'd view them as equally bad in terms of the betrayal of trust.

Nonaynevernomore · 22/01/2025 07:28

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 07:24

Thanks everyone.

I trust this hasn’t happened before as he was so off when he got home and he does seem to feel genuinely bad.
I don’t want my marriage to end as I love him and our family and generally we never have issues this is a first but I don’t know if I just haven’t processed the magnitude fully yet.

Get an STI check as well.

HawkTUAHspitonthatthing · 22/01/2025 07:29

He has definately shagged her.

Greywhippet · 22/01/2025 07:30

grim. What a horrible man

Bournetilly · 22/01/2025 07:31

I think the fact you never normally have any issues makes it even worse, he just did this out of nowhere.

Ameliepoulainandthephotobooth · 22/01/2025 07:31

This might be the first time but it won’t be the last. How will you feel when he next goes anywhere or when he follows a beautiful ‘friend’ on social media?

Good luck op. See you in a couple of months! Get yourself STI checked.

MySweetGeorgina · 22/01/2025 07:31

Well, clearly you accept him having sex with other women as long as it’s not her vagina he puts his cock in?

interesting distinction to make

but yeah he will do it again, but you are ok with it so no problem

not sure what you are asking really?

I am sorry you feel you have to accept this as being ok