DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

[Bellanova]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

It’s a waste of time giving the OP any advice, she’s going to stay with this cheat anyway.

Urgh, lawyer up and take him to the cleaners. Set yourself free from this pathetic, selfish partner.

Sorry to keep adding, but you clearly need a reality check and apologies if this hurts:

You have recently had a baby. Your body will have changed. He wanted the fun and sexiness (in his eyes) that a younger, presumably child free woman has. He got it. You were not that for him, hence why he got this elsewhere. So what if his decision was blurred by illicit drug use. The subconscious thought was still there to do it.

If he loved you and respected you, he would never have gone there. He is immature. He is a very silly little boy. Leave him.

P.S. you are more beautiful than ever since having baby. What I'm trying to say is that he very clearly isn't acknowledging that.

its not really relevant whether they did or didn’t have full sex, he clearly would have given the chance! And they had oral sex again in the morning when he was sober. So it’s not like he woke up wracked with guilt,
only thing in his favour is that he told you (although was he worried he would get back to you another way?)

But yes sorry, there’s no way I’d stay after this.

I have friends who say they enjoy giving oral sex and have done it rather than full sex, so that part for me isn't hard to believe. However the whole story is so awful and such a betrayal that I hardly think it matters, and as PPs have said, if she had let him he would have had sex with her anyway. He's told you at least so he feels guilty and wants to make amends, but what he's done is just unforgivable. Leaving him would be the best option, but I understand you not wanting to do it with a 9 month old baby, if you really feel you can't then insist on a temporary separation with couple's counselling and make him work hard to win back your trust. Also you need to insist on condoms if you decide to sleep with him again. You can't take any chances. And if you're not already, get yourself vaccinated against HPV.
Fucking men and their sad obsession with their penises. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

No way could I accept that. If he cares so little for you that he cheated, why would you want to stay? And the drug use too!

I wonder what he would say if it was you who cheated?

Wow OP your standards must be so low.

Ah I see. And from what you've said he is still following her?

I would find that incredibly hurtful, that he is continuing to be in contact with her after the event.

My personal reaction would be to kick him out but you don't need to rush into a decision. You can boot him out any time.

But, let yourself have some proper thinking time about next steps.

I hope that he is being very very sorry and trying to make amends? I worry that it sounds like he isn't.

What's he doing to try and fix this?

He didn’t put his penis inside her vagina ok fine. But this is what he did do:

chat up another woman at a club
take drugs with this woman
kiss her
go back to her place
participate in oral sex with her twice, once while sober in the morning
sleep in her bed, assume cuddling etc
follow her on social media

how is that long list ok with you OP?

Op..it doesn't matter.if they did sleep together or not.. what he did admit to you is grounds to end the relationship. You say he didn't plan it but in the morning when at the very least he should have been mortified about what he did ... he carried on with her. Seriously what is wrong with your understanding of this. The man took drugs and went back to another woman's place and you want to stay with this man? Please have some self respect for yourself. I don't usually like posts where ppl are so harsh on ops , especially as you haven't done anything wrong but I just can't understand your attitude where you think the main point is did they sleep together or was it just oral.. who bloody cares. He's a disgusting person for this end of.

So sorry.
I most certainly would ask him to get sti tested to include hiv before you sleep with him next.

I'm not sure if he's telling the truth or not but the question to ask yourself is, does it matter 🤔 he's cheated so whether oral or actual penetrative sex wouldn't matter to me. It's cheating.

I'd surround yourself with rational people who love you and while you process things just say your hurt and processing.

So devastating OP and when you have a baby. But easier to split now than next time when your DC is older. It has only been a short relationship of 5 years and he has cheated.

It doesn’t really matter whether they had piv or “just” oral really he still spent the night with another woman and did drugs.

If you forgive him you are telling him its ok and a pass to do it again.

He shagged her 100 percent, leave him.

I think it's splitting hairs whether it was VIP or oral sex.
He had sex with her twice, what difference does it make which orifice he used!?
He is minimising by trying to make it matter and also making himself sound so passive with the 'she noticed he was erect and went down on him', as though he couldn't have stopped that had he had misgivings for round two.

I think you should give yourself time.
The betrayal is huge but you love him, and this is a fresh revelation.
The implications are massive. The trust is broken, does he have the character and remorse necessary to be able to attempt to rebuild that!?

Living without trust is ghastly.

Does he even realise that he's hollowed out all that was sacred between you? Because what he's done is one thing, but what it means about what he's capable of (or incapable of) is another...

Does he even get that, can he (would he) do the work to reflect on that, be honest with himself, recognise the hurt he has caused you and be truly sorry so you can ever be comfortable with him out with friends again?

I think you’re struggling to cope with what you’ve been told hence the focusing on ‘it’s not full sex’. Firstly it IS sex - it’s in the title ‘oral sex’ - one part of his body penetrated hers - and he had it twice, he cheated on you twice - once drugged up/drunk in the evening and the next morning sober.

He’s still following her on social media (why?), it makes no odds that he hasn’t accepted her follow request, he can still access her photos and revisit his experiences with her in his imagination any time he wants.

This all sounds bad enough - but did you know he takes drugs, I can’t imagine it’s the first time? Plus cheaters minimise their account of situations to paint themselves in a slightly less awful light, so I wouldn’t trust that he hasn’t told you the full truth, the likelihood is that more happened between them - whatever that may be. I’m so, so sorry you are going through this but for your own sanity at least insist on time apart while you think about your next steps. You need space to process all of this. For what it’s worth I divorced someone who cheated on me because it changes everything, you can’t go back to normal after this. You can try and make it work and have a new normal, but it’s always there.

This^ And asap.
My question is why did he go to the club? I would expect him to go out for dinner, come back to his hotel, call you to chat about your day and then go to sleep. It was a work trip.

Instead he went to the club, he got drunk, he gave his phone to unknown woman at some point, he went somewhere with her, used drugs, had sex, stay the might, had sex again. How old is he? And does he have any sort of brains at all ?
Im so sorry OP, that you are in this situation.

If you forgive him this time then that just gives him permission to do it again. You're going to say this is his only chance and next time you're done, but you'll never be able to trust him after this.

I assume going away for work isn't a one off?

And he didn't sort of cheat. He cheated!

My first thought when I read this was that the cocaine is a distraction & excuse to justify his actions, and possibly didn’t happen? If it was his first line of cocaine ever, would he be functioning to the extent he claims? I find that hard to believe. So either he’s used it in the past or it’s a tool to distance himself from his actions - the new ‘But I was drunk’.

Either way you have a choice to make. Nobody on here can tell you what to do, and you also don’t need to decide today. It’s ok to say you want to work through it. It’s also ok to tell him that whilst you make a plan to walk out.

For what it’s worth, it wouldn’t matter to me if he slept with her. This would be more than sufficient for things to be over if I were in your shoes.

Following her on social media doesn't say remorse.

I think she's just in shock.

It takes time for all that this means to sink in.

I agree with @WomenInConstruction .

My personal approach would be to tread very carefully and confide in someone else to help you process .. perhaps even a relationship counsellor. I wouldn't jump to LTB, I do believe that forgiveness may be possible, but moving past this is only going to happen if he can prove to you that he means serious business on committing and staying faithful.

He is very remorseful and apologetic. He has said over and over he will do whatever it takes to save our marriage, counselling etc.
I asked why he still follows her and he claims he forgot he was until I asked if he had anyway of contacting her etc.

The drugs doesn’t surprise me (though it disappoints me and doesn’t mean I’m okay with it), but drug use, especially cocaine on nights out is rife in his industry and he used to use cocaine on nights out semi-regularly when we first started dating.

If it was just drugs I could get over it, maybe even just a random drunken snog possibly, but oral, twice? Not a chance. Fine someone worthy of you, because it's not this one

This.

And even though being drunk and high I'd no excuse, he has used it as one - which still only covers the night.

The fact he then participated in oral se in the cold, sober, light of the morning means it wasn't the drink/drugs - he WANTED to do it.

He made the active, sober, choice to cheat further.

Get rid - you deserve better. I say this as someone who tried to stay with a cheat and all it did was destroy my mental health and erode my self confidence still further. Had I been brave enough to say "You forfeited your right to be with me." and ended it then and there I'd at least have felt my own self worth. Staying with him obliterated that - and we broke up a year later anyway because he was the shit he'd shown himself to be when he cheated. I should have listened when he first showed me who he was.