DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

[Bellanova]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

👏👏

It takes a lot (communication, honesty, self reflection, patience lots and lots of patience, compassion, empathy and that's just from him) to salvage a relationship that is healthy and well out of this.

A relationship that is not healthy and well isn't sustainable (at least not with your mental health intact).

You have to get to the point where you are ok with him being out and where you can enjoy sex with him again. Feel wanted and adored again.

It's a long road to walk and not a comfortable one... Can he do it?

I would be more concerned he only feels he sort of cheated as only had oral sex... he cheated and would have had full sex with her if she had agreed. Morning oral sex also suggests it didn't just happen the night before because he was drunk. You deserve better op

So it's common for him to work away. Good luck trusting him next time he goes!

You keep saying you're not going to leave so I'm not sure what the point of your post is. Very few posters are going to tell you it's all fine and not to worry

I'm sorry OP. I know how horrible this is for you.

From experience, they only tell you the sanitised version. There's alot more that when on that he won't tell you.

You know enough. Grab your baby and go. What a vile thing to do to someone you supposedly love.

I know leaving is daunting but you'll be so much happier in the long run.

I'm sorry this has happened.
I'd contact her directly and ask for her version of events. You might not get it, but sounds like you're not getting anything further from him at the moment.

Say he's told you what happened but you want to hear from him.
Ask for space, for him to leave you / you to go away for a week to get some perspective.

He did confess, which is a plus and he could have not - unless he thought there was any other way you'd find out? Who else knew?

It's the waking up and doing it again for me that would prob be the deal breaker.

How often does he go away for work?

Ether his version or what you suspect make the events no better

Do the details matter Op? He cheated.

Also you can't trust this is the first time or that now he has got away with it he won't do it again. You need to have regular sti tests .
One day you will wake up and realise you deserved better and if he truly loved you he never would have done it

If she is young then it is totally possible she only invited him over for oral. It doesn't increase body count, doesn't count as a one night stand. I can totally see that happening in a Catholic country. I've done it one once when I was young cause at the time I wasn't sure how I felt about one night stands. A guy has done it for me as well. But he had his personal hang ups and somehow him giving oral didn't count as sex. That's being said, this day and age I feel like oral is so much more intimate than sex. And it most definitely counts as cheating, not just kinda.

You say you want to stay with him. So this means you have to learn to trust him or accept this will happen when he uses drugs. There is coming back from this if you're genuinely willing to do this. What has he offered to do to fix this? He needs to be the one to do the work. He can't just say 'I'll go to counseling if you want' he needs to say "I've booked us a couples counseling on date x and I've booked perosnal counseling on day y. I've organised babysitter for both days".

I’ve thought about messaging her and he’s said I can if I want.
I just asked him if anyone else knows and he says he told one of the guys he was away with, as the guy asked where he’d got off to. He said I can read the messages he sent to this friend but I might not like it because he told this guy that “she gave good head”. He is still very apologetic and keeps asking me what he can do to make it better. He’s called in sick to work as he wants to be with me so we can start working through it.

Then it's likely that every time he goes away, you will be waiting to see if this happens again. And you know this time, because he told you. Wondering what he doesn't and hasn't told you could get very exhausting.

Oral sex is definitely sex, the detail of whether he only put his penis in her mouth or also her vagina is not the relevant thing to focus on. Whether YOU can ever feel secure again might be more relevant.

Well for a start I'd want to read all those messages.

I don't think it matters what type of sex it was. I would not recover from this. Life will be ok without him. You're still young, find someone who respects you.

Sorry but you’re an idiot if you stay with him. He’s lies, cheated, taken drugs. A series of partially planned and calculated events. All deal breakers for me. You’ll never trust him again. This won’t work. And clearly for him to do all this means he does NOT love you or is in love with you otherwise he wouldnt hurt you. Get an exit plan.

It gets worse and worse. He didn't seem too remorseful when bragging to his buddies did he?

Oh op. That's so hard.

At least if this was a holiday or something you'd have chance to figure out how you feel before you had to emotionally face his next 'temptation opportunity'.

I'm so sorry he has taken away all your emotional security like this.

Please seek help in real life, don't be ashamed, the shame is his and you really need your support network, so that comes before protecting him (or your marriage) from the approval of others.

Choose a good person to talk to, you need someone who will not force their opinions on you and let you work through this in your own time. But in this situation you need to feel someone has your back.

Tell him he can never go away without you again, or away overnight without you, even if he has to change industry. See how remorseful he is. He should be doing anything he can to reassure you if he wants to save your relationship, including not going away without you so you can be sure this isn't happening while he's away.

OP as a start, check his insta for the date he followed her. It might tell you a lot...

For me it would not matter if they had full sex or not ,it would be over

Read all his messages and then contact her for her version. Don't say to her what he told you and you will hopefully get the truth.

If he's bragging to his friend then he will more than likely do it again as he is not remorseful.

I don’t know how to do that?

Bragging about it to his work colleague? It may be that he only told you because someone else knows and he is covering his back, i'm sorry OP

He’s not that sorry if he’s telling his friend that she gave good head! It’s so disrespectful!

A wise mner once asked me if my relationship with my dc dad was the kind of relationship that I wanted my dd to be in when she was older. That really hit me. I wanted my daughter to know what a happy, healthy relationship looked like and I certainly wasn’t modelling that behaviour by allowing myself to be treated like shit.

I did wonder about this. Or someone has threatened to tell you so he's covering himself.