DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

[Bellanova]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

OP please listen to what other posters have said here, so sorry this has happened to you :( if you’re thinking of staying with him which it seems is the case at the moment, you really need to ask yourself: am I ever going to be able to have sex with him again without thinking of him having oral sex with another woman, touching another woman, being turned on by another woman and actually participating in a sexual act. I know I couldn’t. Sorry to be harsh, but that’s the cold truth of it. I can’t speak for you but if that happened to me, there is no way I wouldn’t be thinking those things every time we would try to be intimate; it would totally kill it. And kill my self esteem - which is worth so much more especially when you’ve done nothing to deserve him cheating - this is all on him. I think before you make any decisions you need to let the angry in and then see how you feel after giving it some time to process. He will be looking now for you to forgive him so he can go back to his lovely life where he has a nice comfortable home with his wife and baby. Is there anything else you are worrying about that is affecting your decision making, such as the idea of not being with your baby all the time? If so I think especially while they are still so young they would be with you majority of the time. Again, I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

Your marriage is over. He ended it when he put his penis inside another woman. If you stay he will eventually do it again. If you stay you will spend the rest of your life wondering when that day will come. That will eat away at you every single day. You are so young and you are worth so much more, please don’t let him ruin your life.

Sorry OP, I don’t think it matters if he had sex with her or not. He cheated on you, twice. That would be the end for me, the trust would be gone. I think you should ask him to stay elsewhere for now so you can process this, talk to your friend or family and I’m sure you’ll see how bad this actually is.

You said it wasn’t ’premeditated’ but he was planning to cheat on you or he wouldn’t have gone with her. And then sober the next morning he cheated again. He clearly doesn’t care about your marriage, confessing to you and apologising doesn’t mean he cares, it just means he’s trying to minimise in case he’s caught. I’m guessing he realises following her on Instagram may mean she can find out he’s married with a baby and may try to contact you herself.

He’ll do it again on the next trip.

Good lord, does it really make any difference? Is the version of events he’s offered not enough! He cheated on you, a few times and didn’t give a shit about you whilst he did it. He would have slept with her if she hadn’t said no… and that’s his version of events! What more do you need.

What did or didn't happen between them is not the point really. He had your trust, and now he doesn't. You will forever be plagued with thoughts and doubts about what he's up to when he's not sitting next to you without his phone in his hand. That's going to be the relationship killer going forwards.

If you stay, he'll deeply regret it for a while but effectively he's got away with it. He'll tell you that it's in the past and you need to stop going on about it. He'll find your questions about where he is and what he's been up to, intrusive and unbearable and he'll think he may as well do it again as it's what you're thinking anyway.

If you leave him, he'll be heartbroken: he'll be forever regretful that he threw away his family for a cheap one night stand and he'll tell everyone what a complete idiot he was and how he wished he could turn the clock back so it never happened and he could have his family back.

That's pretty much it. Unless he shows genuine remorse for the pain caused and tolerates the fallout from the fling ( your anger, mistrust, questions on his whereabouts for years maybe) it won't work. The relationship you had is now gone and you will both need to work on creating a new and different one. Even if you have it in you to do this, does he?

How could you ever trust him again? Would he accept no more trips without you? Has he unfollowed and blocked her now (easily undone btw)? Would he change industries if he has to to avoid this situation in future?

I don't know if your child is a boy or girl but, if a girl, would this be good enough for her to stay with? If she finds out one day, what example would you want to have set her? If you child is a boy, is this the example of manhood you want him to see, or do you want to show him this is an unacceptable way to treat a woman?

You deserve better than a man who cheats and does drugs.

I am so sorry he has done this op. You must be reeling. From experience (not mine but close friends and family - this shite happens far too often) the knee jerk reaction of wanting to stay is quite common. You just want everything to go back to how it was before and for this not to have happened. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

Personally I would tell him to leave and book myself some therapy to work through it. Whether you decide to stay with him or not, the long term effects of infidelity are becoming more and more acknowledged and getting some help to deal with that would be a good idea. I would also book an STI test to be on the safe side. Self care for you is the order of the day.

The only “positive” I can see in this is that he couldn’t hide it and told you (so bloody many don’t and hide it just fine). The negatives are….well, everything else.

MN isn’t always the best place for advice on this. I would suggesting having a look at Surviving Infidelity.

And please. Focus on the fact that this is nothing to do with you. His shit choices, his shit decision. It has nothing to do with your body changing (Wtaf!!) and there is nothing you could have done differently to prevent this. He wanted to do it so he did. His problem.

And ignore the “low bar/no self respect” narrative. You have had a terrible shock and you need time to process. The only person with a low bar and lacking self respect in this shit show is the idiot you are married to.

I never believe it when people say 'I was drunk, I did not know/realise what I was doing'. Naaah, sorry. Did they jump of the bridge and kill themselves, when they were drunk and did not know what they were doing? No? Thought not. Did they pick up a fight with Myke Tyson, having spat in his face and calling him something nasty? No. They even did not attempt to cross the road in the wrong place, perish the thought or call a police officer a pig or suchlike - they are taking good care of themselves, it is you these people don't care about. Also, what does it matter which version of events was the right one? He shat on your head, just keep repeating it, he shat on your head, willingly.

And overall, I would urge everyone who comes across 'He/she did not know what they were doing', not to believe them, unless the unaware person who did not know what they were doing, actually caused grievous harm to THEMSELVES. Then they genuinely knew not, what they were doing. It includes children at school, who beat the crap out of their classmates and then claim they have special needs - but they never beat the crap out of themselves, say, against a door frame or the floor? In our school we only had one genuine child who would beat others and himself in equal measure - he was definitely ASD. The rest just covered their swine-like behaviour by various diagnoses, never hurting themselves.

I am sorry that this has happened to you .

It was cheating pure and simple . The sexual activity that he has admitted to , is likely a sanitised version of what took place .
He was wanting full penetrative sex , the only reason ( if his version of events can even be believed ) this did not take place - was due to the OW not wanting this .
She gave him oral sex twice including in the morning when he would have been more sober .He also took cocaine which contributed to this reckless behaviour .

I get that you do not want to give up on your marriage , especially with a young child . It is not you that caused this but your H , by his reckless and unfaithful behaviour .

If you do want to try and salvage the marriage this will be an uphill struggle , but some people do get past cheating after a lot of hard work and time . It is not the same relationship as before , your H has destroyed this .
Get some real life support for you , you will need this . This is not your secret to keep , you need support for you from trusted friends / family .

There is an American website recommended on here - surviving infidelity . Be realistic most people don't get past this . There is also an increased likliehood that he will cheat again .

Take care of you and your child , stay hydrated , eat little and often . You have had a shock and your life will change because of what has happened .

If you stay you're telling him he can cheat and its OK.

If he went away next week, he'd fuck her this time (if not already)

He's a cheater, that's his character, he's shown you now, listen.

When did he get any work done on this work trip?

You're minimising this as much as he is

How can you trust him again? What happens next time he's out/away

He didn't sort of cheat. He full on cheated. Can you really put that thought, and the image you must have, aside for the next 50 years

He's shown you who he is. An unfaithful druggie. Is that what you want for you and your child

Everytime he goes out and gets leathered you are going to wonder if he has done the same again.

He follows her on Inst - have you looked to see who else he follows?

He has been very generous with the 'truth'. I am normally an 'i would give him another chance and fight for my marriage' kinda gal but not on this one, I would just keep picturing it in my head - in fact, what you have described feels more seedy than actually sleeping with her would have been - and the fact he admitted he spent the whole night with her and it happened more than once

I think there is definitely more to this

@BellanovaI don’t want my marriage to end as I love him and our family and generally we never have issues this is a first but I don’t know if I just haven’t processed the magnitude fully yet.

Your position is entirely understandable and quite practical - you want stability for your family.

But, gently, I would say that you love the person you thought he was and the family life that should mean. It doesn't seem that he's that person 💐

He went last Monday and came back yesterday, this all happened on Saturday night. It’s pretty common for him to go away and it have a few days into the next week but with the weekend “off” still in the city he is working in.

For me, personally, the oral sex the next morning coupled with the following her on Instagram is what would really really hurt.

I'm not in any way justifying his behaviour on the night out, but to sleep over, to have oral sex the next morning (when presumably he'd sobered up) and carrying on following her just seems to be twisting the knife.

And implies that it was more than a drunken mistake.

Are you getting IRL support OP? Make sure you confide in people x

I'd hazard a guess that he absolutely DID have sex with her but to be honest, it's irrelevant. He cheated on you. Full stop.
He went back to her apartment hoping for sex.
That together with the drugs ...... ewww. I don't care if it's rife in his profession - he has a brain and can make his own decisions!
Is this the role model that you want for your child? If it is then I have no words.
If you stay with him (you'd be a fool), no doubt you'll be back here saying he cheated on the next work trip/lads night out.
I know my bar would be way higher than yours seems to be right now.

Well it’s possible, not all girls will sleep with a guy on first time. But does it matter? He’s cheated regardless.

The language he is using is that cheating just somehow accidentally happened to him and he had no agency in the situation. In actual fact he made every decision that lead to him being in some girls home getting his jollies.

All trust and respect would be gone for me and that would be that. Think into the future, how will you feel the next time he has to travel with work? Besides yourself with anxiety or totally chill?

Sorry - but WHAT?? Why on earth are you even making the distinction between PIV and oral - he CHEATED!
I wouldn’t be able to trust him again, he’s a new father. He’s supposed to still be in the loved up stage with his new family.
At your age - I would move on and good riddance to him. Oh, and get him to get checked for STIs

He is still following her on social media?? Dear me.
I guess it’s possible that she had every intention to sleep with him but then changed her mind when they got back. It’s sort of irrelevant though as he has behaved terribly. Hope you’re ok OP

It's immaterial whether he penetrated her or not. He had sex with her. Sex is any sexual activity which includes oral sex, mutual masturbation etc. It is not just limited to PiV. Not to mention that he went with her expecting sex. That would be enough in itself.
Couples can move on from cheating but it's difficult. I can see why you are upset but him telling you is a pretty good start if you are considering moving on.

Why does he think it's not so bad if he says he didn't have full sex . It's mad logic.
But as if she took him home just to give him two blow jobs . I'm sure she found that lots of fun .
But does it matter what they did ? He cheated and seems fine with doing drugs.
Both things are awful . He sounds very weak