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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that my dp gets paid a fortune and just coasts....

296 replies

PosieParker · 06/05/2008 12:14

Today my dp's equal has been promoted to a new post that makes him my dp's boss and I'm really angry. I'm annoyed that my dp just coasts in his role and complains and doesn't try new things or work his arse off for his pay. Quite ridiculous to be annoyed as it keeps us in a nice lifestyle and I cannot work out why I'm so angry but I could cry with temper.
Is it my business, even? When he told me I went nuts and I can't explain why. Pregnancy? Jealousy? Worry? Over involved because I don't have my own job? I just don't know.
Trouble is I'm sure I've made a horrid situation worse for him but I couldn't help it and told him they'd (his bosses) had made him look stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 12:15

And before anyone says it, there are people dying in the world and people with money worries and problems, but that just makes it worse that this thing is so huge for me.

OP posts:
oiFoiF · 06/05/2008 12:16

if you have a nice comfortable lifestyle and he doesnt try very hard, why are you moaning?

UIt would be far worse if he got paid a shit wage but worked hard, surely

MrsSchadenfreude · 06/05/2008 12:18

Posie - does your husband take the view that "Time passes, salary comes"? (Romanian proverb by the way!) If he is coasting and earns enough, why worry? Perhaps he doesn't want the extra responsibility of being the boss?

Youcannotbeserious · 06/05/2008 12:19

Okaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy...

Your DH earns a lot of money and doesn't have to work that hard and this makes you angry???????????????????????????????????

How would you feel if he worked his backside off and got paid peanuts?????????????

TBH, I'd say You are being DAMNED unreasonable and I'd leave him to it. Who knows what anyone else's job REALLY entails?

My DH earns way more than I do and, on the face of it, seems to have a nice life, but it IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS.... How do you KNOW your DH isn't working that hard? Maybe he struggles with it and just doesn't tell you?

Did you want him to get a promotion? Do you expect him to work harder to earn more money? Would you be happy with the extra stress that's likely to cause him / you / yoru family?

I'd say, be thankful for what you've got, Love!

OrmIrian · 06/05/2008 12:21

I have a DH with an almost terminal lack of ambition. And yes, for a long time it drove me mad, but now I've accepted it as part of him. It had more of an impact on me though as it means I have always had to work even when I'd really rather not. And we're not really comfortable.

I used to be quite ambitious. I had plans. But children put a stop to that. I now work to live, nothing else. If I enjoy it it's a bonus. Perhaps he feels like that?

Mungarra · 06/05/2008 12:21

My DH earns a very good salary in a job, which certainly doesn't stretch him. However, he is able to work flexibly and works from home 2 days a week. He sees a lot more of our children and is able to help me more than a lot of the fathers around here. There are a lot of men in City jobs here, who don't see their children during the week.

Some people aren't that ambitious. I agree I'd be annoyed about his complaining about the situation, but it's probably not nice to be told by your wife that you're not good enough.

Earlybird · 06/05/2008 12:22

There's working 'hard', and there's working 'smart'. Is your dh one of those who works 'smart'?

Hopefully, if your dh 'coasts', you can enjoy a comfortable life and find he's got more time than most men to be involved in family life. If so, sounds as if you've got a good situation...

Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 12:23

He is the boss, but they've now decided Europe (2 offices) needs a boss, with a view that this new guy will become the world boss of the company.
Oif, I know all this but I feel like someone has just robbed my house I'm so angry and it makes no sense.
I think it's the injustice of it, my dp runs an office where the chair and CEO are based and so see every mistake and the other guy just gets them on his good days... they don't see him getting in late (my dp never does), pitching a girl in the office to go out with him, his managers not turning up because they're hung over etc. My dp has children, he doesn't and so is more likely to get pissed with his office (viewed well).
The coasting bit is because have suggested things when we've talked about work and he says nothing and then a few months later someone else has the idea. Perhaps I should go to work......arggggghhhh.

OP posts:
Chequers · 06/05/2008 12:24

Message withdrawn

Anna8888 · 06/05/2008 12:24

Posie - are you worried that your DH doesn't work hard enough and might be hitting a career ceiling?

Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 12:25

You're all right, there are more important things and he gets home before the children go to bed every night and he rarely goes away on business... but I am really angry and I need to get perspective.

OP posts:
oiFoiF · 06/05/2008 12:26

Maybe it will be easier for the other guy if he has no other commitments?

You say he gets paid well, doesnt work away etc. This is all good, believe me

I would stay and chat but I need to go to the dump. Please dont egt stressed about it, and do try and think of the bigger picture x

Chequers · 06/05/2008 12:27

Message withdrawn

EffiePerine · 06/05/2008 12:27

Would it be worth thinking a bit more about WHY you are angry? Ite seems you know you are being unreasonable but need to burst out anyway .

Don't underestimate your own feelings on this.

MrsSchadenfreude · 06/05/2008 12:28

I agree with Chequers and Youcannotbeserious.

Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 12:29

Anna, I think he thought there was nowhere left to go in the company and then they announce this new post. The other guy opened an office and it's grown well but as expected, it's all him whereas my dp took over an office that was shakey with many SDs and increased revenue by 57% and so had to fight habit and rebuilding teams etc. Plus his HR guy has been recuiting for three other divisions that don't add to my dp'd growth, other guy's HR just recuits for one division.... I just think the bosses don't like my dp but he does a good job and so can't afford to get rid of him. He wouldn't get another job with even a quarter of the salary and I spent another year spending...

OP posts:
Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 12:30

recruits

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 06/05/2008 12:31

Why wouldn't he get another job with equal pay and status?

Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 12:32

Effie, I have no idea why I'm angry, perhaps I'm shallow and I want him to be European SD but I would be really pissed off because he'd be spending two days a week at the other office.

OP posts:
EffiePerine · 06/05/2008 12:35

maybe you're a bit nervous about depending on one income? Or (NOT wanting this to turn into a working mums debate) you miss going out to work yourself? Not saying you would do of ocourse...

Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 12:36

Fallen, he's in sales and we live in Bristol. His company are about the best payers (is that even a word?!) in the region. He earns close to £200k and I don't think you get that unless you're in London.
I know I should be thankful but I can't understand it all, I can walk out of my house and look at the people around me and with my three healthy children and a healthy pregnancy and my nice house(although not so nice for his income) and my nice things, I should be so happy but I'm not. This is consuming me, yet another drama.

OP posts:
Youcannotbeserious · 06/05/2008 12:36

To be fair, PP - It doesn't sound like your DH is 'coasting' in his job. It sounds like he is good at what he does.... that's totally different.

I think maybe you feel angry that this other chap appears to being rewarded more than your DH yet doesn't work as hard?

MrsSchadenfreude · 06/05/2008 12:36

Posie, it's after Midday - how about you get that nice bottle of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc out of the fridge and pour yourself a biiig glass? I'll join you.

Why wouldn't he get another job? He's clearly done a lot for his company - why couldn't he do the same for someone else? Could he dip his toe into the water and see what's out there?

soapbox · 06/05/2008 12:37

I think there maybe something in what you say about needing to get a job.

It sounds as if you are living vicariously through DH - that his status in some way defines yours.

I'm afraid if I were him I would be furious about your reaction to it all. In fact I think I'd probably have told you to go on and get on with it if you think you could do better

Chequers · 06/05/2008 12:38

Message withdrawn