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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that my dp gets paid a fortune and just coasts....

296 replies

PosieParker · 06/05/2008 12:14

Today my dp's equal has been promoted to a new post that makes him my dp's boss and I'm really angry. I'm annoyed that my dp just coasts in his role and complains and doesn't try new things or work his arse off for his pay. Quite ridiculous to be annoyed as it keeps us in a nice lifestyle and I cannot work out why I'm so angry but I could cry with temper.
Is it my business, even? When he told me I went nuts and I can't explain why. Pregnancy? Jealousy? Worry? Over involved because I don't have my own job? I just don't know.
Trouble is I'm sure I've made a horrid situation worse for him but I couldn't help it and told him they'd (his bosses) had made him look stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 12:39

Effie, I think not working leaves me without control. I recently designed, with my BIL, a software package that would assist my dp in sales reporting and staff performance... an amazing interface, everything And he couldn't be bothered to change a couple of things in his office to assist in data collection. The idea was that he would use it for his next quarterly appaisals and look fantastic. It's like I have a working life by proxy, so not one at all.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 06/05/2008 12:39

Ok. That is a lot of money

Is he upset about it? You say he told you and you went nuts. At him? How did he respond? Does he think he coasts?

TheFallenMadonna · 06/05/2008 12:41

My DH lost out on an internal promotion to a colleague. He was upset. I was sympathetic. He went to see a recruitment consultant and got a new (higher paid, hurrah!) job within a month.

If I'd gone mad at him, well, I can't even think how he might have responded...

Psychomum5 · 06/05/2008 12:41

PP...I think all this anger is more hormonal than anyhting.

you be thankful he doesn;t have too much responsibily right now, and take calm dep breathes

sounds trite from me I am sure, but really.....he is happy and for me, and happy DH is important, more important than status.

Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 12:43

He couldn't talk about it, he had just enough time to fill me in. He sounded melancholy and I just made it worse, as I'm a little more perseptive than he is and so he's telling me the positives about not working away and no reduction in his salary, in fact e may earn more and all I can say is what the other guy does wrong.
I used to work for his company and did well but I'm not the same person and sales is not something I could do.
I am thinking about a course, a post grad something or other.

OP posts:
Youcannotbeserious · 06/05/2008 12:45

Agree with SoapBox - I would be F**king furious if I earned £200K, provided well for my family and this was my loving wife's response!

this might sound harsh, but try getting a job of your own and see just how damned easy it is.

I'm really sorry if you are offended by this post, but please............

TheFallenMadonna · 06/05/2008 12:46

If you were anything other than sympathetic when he told you, I really think you need to apologise...

expatinscotland · 06/05/2008 12:48

why not get a hobby, do some volunteering or get involved in the community so you don't have so much time on your hands to moan about nothing?

expatinscotland · 06/05/2008 12:49

either that or feel free to swap lives with me or oiF. i'm sure maybe CrackerofNuts and perhaps Rhubaby would be happy to swap as well .

Youcannotbeserious · 06/05/2008 12:51

Expat - Great suggestion!

PP - Might also get you to connect with all the people in Bristol who have nowhere near as much as you
Might even make you appreciate all the good things in your life!!!

EffiePerine · 06/05/2008 12:51

it sounds like you know exactly what the problem is

agree that anger may be hormonally based (I am so CROSS with this pg, am thinking it might be sign of a girl. Or something).

I think you need to put your energy and skills into something sep from his job - the software package was a nice thought but seems to have backfired a bit as he doesn't use it

if you're an IT type person, lots of opportunity for a) self development and b) working from home?

BexieID · 06/05/2008 12:51

My eyes popped out at 200k! DP is being made redundant and is only on just under 18k and he's worked hard in his job. He just hasn't applied for other jobs in the company as he likes what he is doing. Then this happens. He feels like he has let me and Tom down for not progressing up. I feel sorry for him because I know he works hard and doesn't piss-take with taking time off sick.

He is now studying for an exam he should have done ages ago to apply for other jobs in the company before he is made redundant at the end of July. DP was just in the wrong place at the wrong time unfortunately.

morningpaper · 06/05/2008 12:52

I think it's unreasonable to EXPECT men to be ambitious

Some just aren't

You sound like YOU are - get a job yourself!

HonoriaGlossop · 06/05/2008 12:53

I agree with the last four posts. You are angry about absolutely nothing and you are very, very lucky in your life.

I think you need to appreciate what you have got; which is incredible compared to most people; your DH earns loads BUT hasn't had to sell his family life down the swannee to get this.

I agree you need to back your DH up on this rather than being this angry.

And agree that you need to concentrate on YOU and acheiving things, doing things which absorb you and allow you to have control over what you do.

HonoriaGlossop · 06/05/2008 12:54

blimey this moved on quickly. I was agreeing with thefallenmadonna, Expat and youcannotbeserious. Good posts

Youcannotbeserious · 06/05/2008 12:54

Absolutely agree, MP - Funny how lots of women expect it to be OK that their lifestyles have changed now that they have kids and they can't be expected to do this that or the other, but men are supposed to make the transition to fatherhood, still be great dads / husbands etc, AND continue up the career ladder

Not acceptable at all.

Oliveoil · 06/05/2008 12:55

my dh isn't ambitious at all but then neither am I

I would rather have a life than earn pots of money

morningpaper · 06/05/2008 12:57

me too OO

My DH enjoys having a quality of life and is happy where he is

I'd MUCH rather that than have him working away or long hours TBH

Oliveoil · 06/05/2008 12:59

dh gets in at 4.45pm

fabulous

I would hate it if he did long hours

Posie, I think this is all pregnancy tbh, I was a loon (not that you are a loon, I hasten to add) and not reasonable at all

Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 13:02

Psycho, it doesn't sound trite, it sounds like how I should be.

OP posts:
ninedragons · 06/05/2008 13:03

The level of detail about his job you can give off the cuff certainly suggests to me that you are living vicariously through your DH and his job.

Can you get some part-time consultancy work? You sound like you're revving your wheels too much.

Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 13:05

I am a loon... I am calming and seeing serious errors with my response...

OP posts:
soopermum1 · 06/05/2008 13:08

sounds like displaced ambition to me. you're doing fine, leave him alone to get on with things.

EffiePerine · 06/05/2008 13:08

Well, I had a go at DH for a) buying and cooking a nice meal and b) suggesting we spend a quiet evening together when I was TIRED

pg has a lot to answer for

expatinscotland · 06/05/2008 13:08

I'd say if he's making £200K then he must be ambitious somewhere down the line.

Or very lucky.

But then again, I'd never mention what I made or DH made even if it were millions.

Hope you didn't say anything to him about it, though.

I'd find it really hurtful and would let you know that if that wasn't enough for you you're perfectly free to knock yourself out and prove me lazy then.