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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that my dp gets paid a fortune and just coasts....

296 replies

PosieParker · 06/05/2008 12:14

Today my dp's equal has been promoted to a new post that makes him my dp's boss and I'm really angry. I'm annoyed that my dp just coasts in his role and complains and doesn't try new things or work his arse off for his pay. Quite ridiculous to be annoyed as it keeps us in a nice lifestyle and I cannot work out why I'm so angry but I could cry with temper.
Is it my business, even? When he told me I went nuts and I can't explain why. Pregnancy? Jealousy? Worry? Over involved because I don't have my own job? I just don't know.
Trouble is I'm sure I've made a horrid situation worse for him but I couldn't help it and told him they'd (his bosses) had made him look stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 15:12

2girls, what do you do to make it all okay?

OP posts:
2GIRLS · 06/05/2008 15:13

What's going on in your relationship? BTW I remember the thread about your dp sending e mails, is it to do with that?

dittany · 06/05/2008 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2GIRLS · 06/05/2008 15:15

I don't know what to do to make it all ok, I wish I did but I don't know why you're feeling like this.

Is it more than having a bad day, do you feel like this all the time?

SmugColditz · 06/05/2008 15:15

He's providing well for your family, meaning you can choose whether you wish to go back to work, and he is around the house for 4 days out of 7, meaning he is there to support you ... yes I can certainly see why you are pissed off....

If you are pregnant, I forgive you. If not, you desperately need an outside interest.

Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 15:17

A dp that thought I was wonderful, that offered respect at no cost, that gave my boys the idea that I was worthy of adoration, to feel some sort of value above my status (ie not to only be judged on money because it's the only thing we have).
I sometimes wish I'd ended up with someone who took me up a level (not socially) but who read more than I do so that I would, who exercised more so I would, someone who complimneted my good bits and loved me for the bad.
I think I am talking myself into admitting that I was too lazy to be successful and so I wanted my dp to be......
I don't know what would make me happy, perhaps I should find out. I've just enrolled myself on a Bristol uni creative writing course just for a day, it's a start.
Perhaps I could be Ms X, instead of Mrs DP, or DCs mummy for a change. I'll have to not talk about my children for a day

OP posts:
dittany · 06/05/2008 15:18

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 15:20

dittany, I am lazy ...shhh! I spend my days busy doing nothing!! I almost have a mental block to cleaning which is why I have a cleaner twice a week and a lady that irons.
Smug, he works 5 days a week but I'm still not complaining, he even cooks three nights.

OP posts:
Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 15:21

As much as this is cheering me up I have to wake up DD1 and pick up boys and sit and watch them play tennis!!
I will return to this later and appreciate replies.

OP posts:
dittany · 06/05/2008 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PosieParker · 06/05/2008 15:23

'tis true. Anyway the owner didn't like me because I had an opinion.

OP posts:
SmugColditz · 06/05/2008 15:23

I think this is a symptom of your discontent. You have reasons to be discontented that you don't feel able to express, so you are angry with him for something you feel should matter to him instead .... ok, enough cod psychology.

dittany · 06/05/2008 15:24

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreddysTeddy · 06/05/2008 15:24

Please, please don't take this badly.

I think some of your posts make you sound a bit shallow "body like Kylie", "shiny people carrier" "DH is the boss" all that crap.

I'm not trying to kick you while you're down here but just wondered if you might feel better about yourself if you thought about what you could do with others. The status symbols don't seem to be fulfilling you at all.

FreddysTeddy · 06/05/2008 15:25

What you could do for others.

dittany · 06/05/2008 15:27

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2GIRLS · 06/05/2008 15:29

Good for you for doing the writing thing and also for trying to find out what would make you feel better.

I do understand the feelings of 'well, who am I now' after the dc's come along. And I do feel defined by the children especially as I'm a SAHM.
And pregnancy can add to the whole thing because your body isn't your own at the moment either.

In an ideal world your dp would do all those things and make you feel that way, but if he doesn't the only thing you can do is make yourself feel better about yourself and once you've convinced yourself that you are whatever you want to be, then maybe your dp will start to see it too.

It's hard when you feel down, but you don't need your dp's approval (for want of a better word) to feel worthy of respect or adoration. And regardless of what you believe your boys do adore you, they just probably don't show it (typical man!).

So go to the library and when you've read your books, you can tell your dp all about it and he'll start thinking how clever you are will srtrive to be like you!

Quattrocento · 06/05/2008 15:49

I am going to tell you a story about a Discontented Wife. She gave up work when the children were young and never went back. She tried her hand at this and her hand at that. Her husband was very rich and she never had to work and had lots of help at home. She played at pottery, painting classes, creative writing (sorry), flower arranging, yoga, riding, playing Lady Bountiful, piano classes, plastic surgery and baking for village fetes. In between times she occasionally interfered in her husband's business and upset his staff.

All this was because she was utterly and entirely bored and frustrated and it got worse as her children got more independent. She got worse and worse as she got older. I've known her for 20 years. Moderate frustration in her forties has turned into vicious anger in her sixties.

Now this is one lady's reaction and I'd like to think that maybe some coming to terms stuff happens as we get older. But she didn't - she just got worse. The problem was that she had (i) intelligence and (ii) drive and keeping those both under wraps was half-killing her.

expatinscotland · 06/05/2008 15:54

All I can think of is a BBC documentary I saw last month. About a British neurosurgeon who spends part of every year (for the past 15 years) helping a Ukranian neurosurgeon help people there in the Ukraine.

At the end he said, to paraphrase, 'If life isn't about helping others then what is the point?'

Really, with just a little branching out, it might change your perspective and maybe get you out of the rut you feel stuck in. Slowly, perhaps, but hey, it's all about the journey and all that shit.

windygalestoday · 06/05/2008 15:58

this is ridiculous ....her dh eans 200k ffs hes happy enough if the 'kept woman who used to have a body like kylie' cant be happy and has to find excuses to have these discussions then clearly she has too much time on her hands.

these sorts of post in contrast to whats going on in real life are pathetic and beyond the pregnnt excuse.

dittany · 06/05/2008 16:03

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2GIRLS · 06/05/2008 16:05

But this is her real life. And some people do have a body like kylie, Before my 3 pregnancies I had a body like Kelly Brook I wouldn't not say that in case people felt sick at that comment .

Obviously she is more than money or she wouldn't feel the way she does.

Some people earn lots of money, others earn peanuts - that's life. Just because she has money doesn't mean she's not allowed to have feelings.

expatinscotland · 06/05/2008 16:06

Yeah, but what good does that do her, in the long run?

You know, we all make decisions, compromises. Some we later come to regret.

But it's like comparing your life with someone else's: by its nature a fruitless, frustrating exercise in the end.

Trying to turn resentment into something positive is far more proactive.

2GIRLS · 06/05/2008 16:09

My sisters dh earns a 6 figure salary in the city and they've got a mountain of problems.

Maybe the next time she calls me I'll tell her to p** off, because she's money, how dare she complain.

margoandjerry · 06/05/2008 16:13

I think the real reasons are unfolding here PP. Your DH behaves pretty badly so he's not the ideal husband and partner we've assumed. The ways he's behaved badly (the lift thing which I was really at) have played into your own insecurities.

You might have had a body like Kylie once but that doesn't last for anyone and even if it does, it's not ultimately that rewarding for someone who's itching to do something more with their life.

Sounds like you've tried to persuade yourself you're happy with the "attractive wife at home, totally hands on mummy and all the right status symbols" role but you're not sure you can do that anymore or that that's enough.

To talk tough for a second, you can't blame your husband for all of this (you haven't tried to, to be fair). You need to take responsibility for making your life more interesting and being a trinket in a nice car is not going to hack it for you. Frankly, you sound too smart for that. I know you are also endeavouring to be ubermummy but if that's not who you are either, it's got to change.

Windygales is harsh but sort of right. You've got lots of choices in your life - you need to take control.

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