AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

Are you genuinely curious? Or do you want to start a fight? Assume you've seen how these threads go. Good luck and have fun either way I guess!

<popcorn>

Meh, I think people are judgy about all sorts of roles. I guess people might be a bit surprised to find you are a SAHM as not many people can afford it these days?

Your partner is another matter, and you should feel free to read him the riot act. How dare he?!

If partner means you aren’t married but are a SAHM, you are crazy.

How fortunate you can be a SAHM 🥱

Why should society value it? It’s only of value to your immediate family. If your family can afford it and it works for you then crack on.

And you do realise that working parents don’t clock off. We do everything you do minus the time we are in paid employment.

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I don’t think it’s always undervalued
for me, is that it leaves women so incredibly financially vulnerable
so many posts on here of women desperate to divorce and stuck because of finances
Also - the things you do on your day - plenty of women juggle alongside a job too. Not saying being a SAHM isn’t tiring or repetative but as your kids get older and are at school you’ll have a lot of free time
final thing - if it works for you and your family that’s the only think which really matters - maybe your DH should leave the snippy comments out?

Nobody cares. That sounds harsh but I honestly don’t know a single person who would give it a second thought.

Not undervalued but you are putting yourself in a terrible financial situation.

I'm a lone parent, one of those who have had to do it all so I think personally you are exceptionally privileged but vulnerable at the same time.

All and any caring is undervalued, and, takes you away from protecting your financial security and earning power. Yes, I do think up to a point more time with a loving parent/grand parent is good for children but balance of part time work and care is better than getting totally out of the labour market imho.

I think the reason for the looks is mostly that once children are school age, a working mum is also doing everything you are- cooking, laundry, housework, school runs etc- on top of working a full day, so the thought that it can be a full time job when they do it all on top of an actual full time job doesn’t quite make sense.

I’m currently on maternity leave so I suppose like a SAHM for now, and although my days are definitely not all chill time and relaxing, they are much more chilled than going out to work and then coming home to do all of the jobs, organising, cooking etc. I’ve done a couple of KIT days and can see just from that how much busier my days will be once I’m properly back in a couple of months, having to work a full day and then do all the other bits after that makes me appreciate the rest of my maternity days.

I wouldn’t judge either way though, it makes no difference to me what others do

Who do you think does all the things you list in a household where both parents work?

I have done both and honestly it’s not particularly hard to look after children and run a house if you don’t work. As your children get older, you’ll have a lot of free time as they’re in school. I do think it creates a power imbalance in most relationships and leaves women incredibly vulnerable and deskilled. It wouldn’t be for me as I don’t think I could sleep at night knowing I was reliant on being in a happy relationship to maintain a certain standard of living.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave

I don’t think statements like this help, OP. Working mums do not get to clock out of parenting at 5pm or get annual leave from parenting either.

I can only speak from my own experience but we (majority me but DH, too) work full-time and do the food shopping, cooking, parenting, school admin, assemblies/concerts, laundry, pick up/drop offs, life admin ourselves. Our children are older now but when younger, I worked part time and the DCs were in nursery. Work would often overspill into non-work time - impossible to avoid this.
So we were always either at work or with the children. No “free time” to clock off, so no different from you in that respect.

Every woman who's ever cared for a DC knows what you do all day. Your partner's just a common or garden misogynist ignorant dick.

For some women SAH is harder than working. For some it's easier. If you find it that much harder than paid employment... Perhaps you should go back to work? You still won't get to clock off at 5, though.

I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

I have no idea what you mean by this? Do you think mums (and Dads) that work don’t do anything at home after 5pm? Our kids just disappear or something?

do you think that people that work have cleaners / cooks and personal assistants? Or maybe we fit in the cleaning, cooking and admin around our jobs!

I will repeat what other posters have said - if you’re an unmarried SAHM then you are incredibly vulnerable, please consider what you would do in event of a separation from your partner

I don't judge you for staying at home.
I judge you for living off someone else's money!
Also working parents do all the things you have listed after they clock off from their jobs after earning their own money

I disagree- your value should come from your partner not the whole of society. Good for you for being a SAHM that’s fine- I work part time and that’s fine too. I don’t ‘clock off’ ever by your standards- I go from my paid work to parenting (in a massive rush!). I don’t expect praise or applause or value from anyone other than my work colleagues at work and my family at home.

🤣 at the idea that I as a single working mum get to "clock off" at 5pm. That's when I go home to my second job (if parenting is a job which you are saying it is). If I'm lucky that is, some days I'm working evenings to keep a roof over our heads.

This. I mean, I don’t ’undervalue it’, I just think it’s a ‘you do you’ situation, and hope anyone choosing it is (a) genuinely choosing it freely and (b) has thought through the ultimate impact of becoming economically dependent on someone to whom you are married, and becoming deskilled. Where I get a bit impatient is with the idea I only encounter on here, that it’s somehow an enviable situation. Or the way it translate into the Mn bugbear of marital infidelity, because I think that’s to a large extent driven by women economically reliant on men they need to hope stay married to them.

100% agree, op - I work part time now the kids are in school but when they were at home it was soooo much harder than going to work!

Although I suppose it depends what kind of entertainment /stimulation you lay on for your kids? We used to be ALWAYS doing something or going somewhere and in that aspect my job was the same as (or very similar to) a childcare setting, so definitely the equivalent of a "proper" full time job in that respect, apart from as you say when the schedule of "childminder" finished at say 5pm or whatever then it would be straight into regular parent schedule - doing dinner, tidying up, cleaning etc... Literally never stopped, and it was of course 7 says a week!

Obviously this is the same for parents working out of the home but you have a lot more money to splash around, especially after they start school....

My youngest is ND so I can't even work full time now they're at school as, even at 10yrs old, they need me pretty much as much as when they were a toddler but in a different way (plus the school holidays, etc, etc).

It's tough and thankless!

You support a partner who would have to pay for assistance if they were a single parent. So you assist a family unit which in turn means that person has an easier time to work. So there could be an argument that by supporting them you assist their economic viability but you yourself don’t contribute employee tax or NI directly.

Overall you make yourself less economically viable long term though so it’s a massive risk. It would never have been for me.

Well if you choose to be a SAHP for years then you are lacking in the ambition to have a career that’s pretty obvious.

Fully agree with the original post.

@erereeee I'm confused about your post tbh.

I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Most people work full time, and don't have any of these either. We have nurseries/childminders, and at best a cleaner once a week for the lucky ones.
We still don't "clock out at 5" or "have annual leave" from our children...

I have nothing against SAH parents, if you want to and can afford it, or can't afford childcare, but don't come and tell me that you do more than working parents!