AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

Are you also against the state supporting disabled people? Elderly? Those who've lost their job?
Just for the record I get child benefit and carers allowance, is that allowed?

I think the OP sounds frustrated and resentful. Just because someone can be a SAHM, with a husband happy to be sole earner (and hopefully continuing to pay into a pension for her as well as himself) doesn’t mean it should automatically be the default.

I feel fortunate that I was in a position to continue working (albeit 3 days a week when the children were very tiny) Yes, it meant the equivalent of my take home pay went on childcare in the very early years. Yes it meant being super organised, getting meals and household tasks done while being working parents. But for me, it was the best of both worlds. I loved every moment with my children and also enjoyed the fact I continued working. Not everyone wants to give up their work life and financial independence and the OP should be confident to know that’s ok. With good quality childcare in place, her children will thrive and she may find she’s happier with that balance rather than feeling frustrated and hard done by like she seems to right now.

by all means stay home if your partner is on board with the idea and happy as sole earner, but don’t do it because your partner is pushing you into it or because of some misguided belief that you ‘ought’ to for your children. Once you’re older and the kids have grown up and flown the nest like mine, you’ll honestly realise how pointless all this agonising over SAHM/WOHM is. I look back on those early years and remember the fun (as well as hard graft) of the baby/ toddlers era, and with the knowledge that continuing working was a good decision.

@Tootiredmummyof3 not against state suppting disabled or elderly as they haven’t made the choice to do that. People make the choice to be SAHM. And if you cannot work as you are a carer for your DC due to disability, as a tax payer, I don’t mind supporting that

It was a surprise to receive child benefit when all were eligible and I am unsure what my thoughts are on that. Why so defensive?

You can’t equate the state stepping in to care for an elderly person or providing carers allowance to a the state subsidising a SAHM who just doesn’t want to work put their child into childcare. Thats nonsense. If you want to do that, go for it but Im not paying for it. And once children are in school, it’s ridiculous to think being a SAHM is worthy of a state subvention.

If salary levels are such that the state needs to top up, that’s fine, with or without children.

The entitlement of some parents is shocking -state should pay for me to stay home !!!!!!

Well we don’t want our tax going to fund childcare for 9 month-3 year olds that we’d never have used. That can also be described as ‘entitled’. Pay for your childcare or look after your kids yourselves.

The government either needs to keep out of it entirely, or respect parental choice, and yes that absolutely does mean subsidising SAHPs/Grandparent carers as much as Nurseries/childminders in my opinion.

But the subsidies go back into the system as tax.... You can't compare the two at all.

I can and I will. Do some research on how other countries approach things, with far less fundamental disrespect towards SAHPs as in the UK. I am ashamed of us on this issue.

Well I was ashamed of the lack of support for working parents... We're finally on par with the rest of the world!

can we just agree that the level of support for parents in general needs improving in this country if we want people to have kids

I fundamentally disagree with tax payers money funding people to stay at home or to pay granny to mind the kids.

on a personal level I never benefited from ‘free’ nursery hours because my kids were in childcare before that kicked in. We paid every penny ourselves and it was money well spent, providing good quality care and enabling dh and I to both continue working. I don’t have an issue with early years’ funding though; childcare is crazy expensive (nearly broke us!) and providing regulated care which has to meet standards is good.

if someone wants to stop work and stay at home, fine, if their partner supports them but it’s a choice and there’ll never be any regulation of it so it would be a crazy idea. Some SAHP would be b
great; some wouldn’t.

to be honest things are pretty good now with long mat leave and heavily subsidised childcare. If people want to stay home longer than a year, fine, but don’t expect to be paid for it

Yes its undervalued. I think comments start when kids are older and you dont work. My friend is at home but he a high earner. Their youngest in college.

If you get divorced. You will have been sat on your arse for 15 years if you’re a stay at her mum even if you were working part time for that period
It counts for nothing if it gets nasty.
Bear that in mind when making decisions

I think your problem sounds like
your partner doesn't appreciate you, not that society as a whole doesn’t.

You sound unheard and unseen and quite likely feel lonely.

Couples counselling?

This is true. Caring is underappreciated.

Op, the best approach is not to let it impact you. You know better what is the best for you and your family.
Also, there is no award for who does the most. Everyone is different. But if your partner makes occasional comments, then do check with him if it is working for him and what could be the ideal arrangement. However, having a paying job puts you in a better position.
I have a friend ( not in UK) who does not work. Is single, does not have children, says her health does allow her to work. She does not take any state benefits. Her father is very wealthy and supports her. She knows some people may judge her but she is very unapologetic about it. I like her attitude. She knows whats best for her and does not give attention to what others think.

It depends what you mean by 'valued' tbh. Are you suggesting that the parenting done by a SAHP (of either sex) is necessarily better or should be valued more highly than the parenting done by parents who have a job? Obviously there are incompetent or awful parents who SAH and great parents who work. And vice versa.

Also, for you parenting might be harder than working in an office, but a) for working parents it's not either/or, it's both and b) not everyone finds parenting harder than work. I found being at home with small dc a breeze compared with work.

I think there is a big difference between being a SAHM to babies and pre-school kids, which effectively is a ft job (I'm.not a SAHM but I take issue with people who say they do everything that a SAHp does and work, ignoring that they outsource - not unreasonably, because a child is unable to fend for itself - the practical supervision, feeding and care of their child for the portion of the day they are working) ...and being a SAHM to teens who are generally out of the house from 8am -4pm or away at university most days, and don't need practical looking after as such

the comparison isn’t between care done by parents - whether sah or working, it’s between care from people related to or part of the child’s family and friends vs paid care.

Conversely, I was speaking to a mother of 3 only yesterday, who has always worked 4 days a week, who is now about to start a long sabbatical with a view to making longer term changes, so she can spend the whole Summer with her year 6 child before she starts secondary school. She reflected honestly that she has missed out on so much every Summer holiday, and wants to be much more present after school with all 3 instead of being so distracted by work. She has never felt more needed emotionally as her children have actually got older, and I applaud her honesty and commitment to making changes.

It annoys me. I don't actually want to be a SAHM. I have no choice because of my DSs severe needs and because DH earns more it was down to me to stay home.
I don't get breaks because it can take forever to get my DS to school and he only does part time. He's in nappies, non verbal not actually learning at school. Any free time is spent doing housework or chasing the million appointments he needs
Then I come on here and see the what do you do all day comments or you shouldn't rely on the state. I know people don't know my circumstances but perhaps people could think a bit more when they post. It's not always a choice and not always a case of being lazy.

@Tootiredmummyof3 yes people quick to judge. I work on autism bus as you say loads of apts it would be difficult trying get time off from work. We minded our sick dad for years and I got comments too was I working. Its not easy.

I have nothing against SAHP as long as the other parent can afford to support them. I don’t agree with longer than twelve months at home if funded by the tax payer, because an employed person only gets twelve months and as a society we shouldn’t be rewarding people for choosing unemployment.

My only issue is that the things that SAHP tend to list as daily “work” tasks (aside from pre-school years daytime childcare, obviously) tend to be things we all do daily as well as a full time job! There’s an old episode of “Friends” where Joey is advising Ross about being unemployed and talks about spreading out tasks to make them take longer/last longer/sound like more and it’s funny but a lot of the “spend a day with me” SAHP TikTok videos etc are very similar! I’d say you do you if you can afford for one person to stay at home, it’s probably better in lots of ways for very small children, but don’t make two hours worth of tasks sound like twelve hours worth of tasks because that simply isn’t the case.

Also, those of us who work don’t clock out at 5pm either.

but i think it is disingenuous to say all tasks are done the same way. one person in an earlier reply to me for example pointed out that they do the food shop online to save time. for example another parent who has the time might opt to in their opinion say they want to go to the framers market 1-2 times a week for their fresh produce as they believe it is better quality both are the same task but one will probably take 2-3 times the amount of time unless you literally live next to the farmers market. summer school, the brief six months i was at boarding school or other school clothes my mother would sew in my name tag rather than write it with a sharpie. neither option is better then the other and again it is down to what both parents want their family to live like but the “same” task can take different amounts of time to complete

YANBU. I was a stay at home mum, it didn't last long. It is mentally and physically draining. I find it so much easier having the time broken up with some time away from DC at work. I think it's different once they are school age, but being a SAHM with young children is very hard work and is undervalued.

the OP can always go back to work if she thinks being at home is so tough

I've seen a lot of tasks expanding to fit the time available on SAHMs of school age DC tbh. I won't soon forget the one who, among the reasons she "couldn't" work, included 'the online shop arrives on Wednesday and needs put away'.