AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

These threads are seldom helpful. I think in general once you are a parent you don't clock off unfortunately until kids are a lot older. And of course working parents do the same things a sahp does. However it is important to also admit the day only has 24 hours. So what does that mean? The very lucky will be able source out things like cleaning or maybe even cooking. Not all do this but quite a few do especially the cleaning. Then let's say there is no money to outsource there are different levels I am sure. A plate of fish fingers and peas on the side will be easier meal to prepare then for example a meal completely from scratch, plus salad etc let's all be honest there are different levels of doing things for example sewing in the name tag vs writing it on with a pen. Neither is superior.

Also then there is the question of the time with the kids. How is it spend? Is it spend mainly doing chores or doing activities with them. Etc all parents work hard

I do think being a SAHP is difficult, but I think being at work is harder.

Aside from childcare or school during the day, as a working parent you still have to arrange appointments/find time to attend them, do housework, laundry, cook or prepare dinner. The difference is you have a very limited time in which you do those things. Either weekends or annual leave. Not to mention covering school holidays. Not everyone has the money to outsource work to make life easier. As the usual MN response is usually hire a cleaner.

It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy...

parents who work also raise their children. Earning an income is in fact an integral part of raising and providing for them.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant.

most parents do that and work. The mental load is a lot bigger if you have to juggle that all plus employment

it's fair enough if that is what suits you and no judgement for that but please don't dress it up as work and you don't really score point if you insinuate that working parents don't raise their DC.

This is why you should have done some shared parental leave. Your partner would then know exactly what being a stay at home parent entails.

Apart from your insufferable partner though, does anyone else care you’re a stay at home parent? It only affects you and your family. I really don’t think anyone apart from who it directly affects cares if my husband and/or I are stay at home or working parents?

I was a SAHM for 7 years and never felt judged. DH respected all I did. My friends and family respected me. Maybe some people look down on SAHMs but I genuinely never experienced it. It's no one else's business. It's all about what's best for you as a family.
I personally found it exhausting, relentless and hard work when my children were babies and toddlers but then quite easy (but lonely) once they were both at school.
One thing I would say in response to your post, is that working mums (and dads) also dont clock out at 5pm or get annual leave from being parents. They work all day then come home and have to squeeze in the laundry, shopping, cooking, tidying, cleaning as well as parenting.

It is hard. The only thing I don't get is those that call themselves SAHM when the children are in school all day. That is unemployed.

There’s a lot of emphasis on mums working and earning their own money, which has its benefits, but it’s now become expected as though if you aren’t earning money as a mother then you are not valued in society. It used to be normal and accepted that the husband went to work and earned money while the wife stayed at home and raised the children. You used to be able to finance your life with one sole wage, get a mortgage for a house if the husband had a good solid job, and that would be a partnership (domestic abuse aside). Now because the cost of living is so high both parents often work full time and don’t actually see their children, particularly if they’re in full time childcare and wraparound care or have a full time nanny - at this point it begs the question what was the point in having children at all? I work part time and I’m also self employed, I like earning my own money and I can work around childcare, but is it ideal when the cost of living is so high? No. I’m not a SAHM and even I get judgement from people that I’m not working full time earning an amazing salary. I also think that real life is more important than any job, and whilst my children are small I like to be hands on.

It is a shame that you feel that way, OP. My dc are now late teens/early 20's and even though that doesn't seem like that long ago, most of my friends at the time did not work, or worked a day or 2 a week. Things have changed so much since then because now 2 good salaries are required for a mortgage/rent.

I gradually increased my hours back at work as my dc grew up. I had a Saturday job and DH would be with the dc that day. No regrets at all about being a SAHM, I loved it and we both felt that it was what we wanted for our dc, and we could afford it as long as we cut back on all the luxuries that we had been able to have before dc (spontaneous weekends away, designer clothes etc..).

I can always remember one poster on an online discussion forum all those years ago writing that she would much rather be in full time work than be a SAHM because 'I drive past you SAHM's, trudging in the rain with your prams' and I thought to myself... I love walking in the rain and I would far rather be 'trudging in the rain' with my child than away from her at work all day. It just goes to show how different people are.

For what it's worth, when I went back to work 3 days a week, it felt like a break! Being a SAHM was harder, for sure.

Do what makes you happy, there's so much judgment around every little thing you do when it comes to parenting little ones.

We might get sick leave in our paid employment, but none of us gets sick leave from our children!!!!!

I'm not judgy - I was a SAHM for a while. I found it massively easier than being at work though. Plus when you are working you still have to do the housework and look after your dc once you get home.

Regarding your last line. Not being funny but you don't do what sahm's do and also have a full time job. Those hours where you are working and also the commute back and forth, someone else is looking after your kids. It's that kind of attitude that OP is talking about. I'm a sahm and I definitely think that looking after a baby/toddler all day is alot more work than any paid employment. OP you should make your partner be a sahd for a week and see if he still thinks you're chilling at home all day after the experience 😂

It was the norm amongst my peers in the 70s and 80s.. l was a SAHM so we're 99% of my friends.. husband s went to work. We did ""Everything "" else.. even the gardening and decorating.
I can't remember my husband ever complaining.. but nor can l remember if he ever washed a pot or picked up the iron or vacuum... and good gosh he wouldn't have known how to boil and egg.
He never did bath times/ bed times... go to the supermarket or anything.
Honestly we were still in the 1950s housewife mode.
But l loved it.
I loved being with my children.. l loved school holidays .

Can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave.

Yes, but people with jobs also don't get annual leave from being a parent. When they are on leave, they are doing what a SAHM does.

I have briefly been a SAHM, I've worked part time and I've been the full time worker with a SAHP. I don't think I misunderstand the role (it's not an overly complex thing to understand even if I lacked experience) and I disagree with you. I think its possible to make it into a full time job if you choose, but its equally possible to make it into a much easier way of life than many paid roles. I never felt I spent 8 solid hours a day 'working'. In fact a lot of time was spent on activities considered leisure, such as walks, trips out, meeting friends etc. The sort of thing working parents do with their DC at weekends that are considered family fun or quality time. Do you not do these things?

Being a SAHM is just a choice, and no one else needs to approve your choices or be impressed by them.

What suits us is both compressing our hours so our son is only in nursery 3 days a week, yet we can afford a cleaner. And I do get annual leave from being a parent - the odd half day whilst he's in nursery, or when his dad is looking after him. And a four day weekend coming up off by myself.

My work was looking after a couple of babies in a nursery. It was more work than looking after one baby at home.

Bollocks was being a SAHM harder!!!

The only time I was a SAHM was during maternity leaves, and three summers where I opted to work term-time, and those periods of my life were far more chilled and easy than any of the time I worked.

But then I never found being with my children that onerous, for the most part.

Yes this. Its a lonely isolating job for sure but unless there is a back story here you don't need to be going morning till night...frankly you are doing it wrong. If you were working you would have a squeeze a work day and drop offs and pick ups into this day too. So make some time to sit down and relax. Just beware as everyone is saying that financially you are very vulnerable and you need a plan unless you are wealthy. Also these years are soooooo short and all of sudden they are in school and the dynamic changes

It's ironic that you are complaining about a lack of awareness for your life whilst simultaneously showing a total lack of awareness for the lives of working parents.

My local gym is packed with SAHMs during school hours.

I feel like your basic premise that SAHM are undervalued is very uncontroversial, and has been said many thousands of times.

When you or anyone starts saying SAHM do more than working parents (who of course start a second job the minute they get home, plus trying to do all the things SAHM do around the house) it becomes a bit goady.

On threads like this people always overlook that just as the SAHP has an easier life, so does the parent who works, and so do the children.

I was a SAHM for all the time my DC were at school. When I talked to DH about going back to work he said 'We are a team', and he appreciated that he didn't have to worry about school drop off and pick up, school holidays, emergency closure days, teacher training days, sick days, doctor and dental appointments, laundry, housework, gardening cooking, volunteering on the PTA, fundraising for the school, DIY and home repairs, bill paying, driving to and from after school activities, helping with homework (got hard when they were doing college level math) etc. When one of my DC developed health issues in high school we were driving two hours one way or 1.5 hours the other to get to specialists and hospitals nearly every week and quite often I had to go in several times a week to collect them early. DH was glad he didn't have to deal with that either.

I don't understand why I have to value it? It benefits you and your family but that's it. Every adult has to cook, clean, do housework etc it's just life and plenty of people do that and work full time.

You don't get to ''clock off'' or ''annual'' leave from parenting.

@SirSidneyRuffDiamond I'm completely financially independent. Always have been.
I was brought up to be.