AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

Being a SAHM isn't something I could do. DH is definitely the more domestically talented one in our relationship!

However I think you're absolutely mad to be an SAHM without being married. I hope you have assets of your own.

Nobody with any intelligence thinks this about SAHM with children under school age. Once they hit school age you do have more time than working mums.

Can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave.

Or sick leave. When my DCs were younger my only source of help was DH, who was often sent away on business at zero notice. Someone asked me once "Who looks after the children if you're ill?" They were shocked at my reply: "I do."

Not people on here but OP said she has experienced it in real life.

I have always worked but I suppose I envied my three SILs who all got to stay at home.

Yes they did all of that stuff, but they could also mooch about the supermarket during the day, go for a walk with the pram if the weather was nice, watch a bit of TV or read whilst feeding or toddlers napping, have control over what they were eating and when. They could at least sit down and have a cup of tea in the day. They could work around their kids being sick. Yes they didn't have a lot of spare money but they also genuinely didn't have any acute stress.

Working and being a parent is a bloody hard graft, especially if you have a demanding job and a commute. All that other stuff has to fit in somewhere.

I was very fortunate in that in amongst the juggle of nursery and pre-school and school I also had a bit of family help with childcare. I remember saying to my DM one day how tired I was. She said that I shouldn't be, because after all she and my DF helped with childcare. I had to remind her that I was at work during all of these times! I had to use all of my family childcare 'credit' for while I was at work. There was none available from DH's family (all overseas). It was an exhausting slog of continuous work / commuting / childcare / life admin / housework / sleep a lot of the time for many, many year. At one point I suggested to my DH that we should get rid of the sofa because it took up a lot of space and I never got to sit on it anyway!

It was very very tough indeed in the childcare / primary school years.

I do think society as a whole (and a lot of working mums) do denigrate what SAHMs do. Lots of (at best) thoughtless comments about "my brain would rot at home", "I just have to be productive", "I want to be a role model for my children" etc etc.

But the issue you mention is that your husband apparently doesn't value it and isn't keeping things fair.

Why don't you clock out at 5pm? When I was a SAHM we shared everything 50-50 outside my husband's work hours.

Surely you get the same annual leave as your husband- as in, when he's not working, you're both on holiday together sharing the childcare or if he's away with other people then you get to do the same at some point?

It's tough, always something to do and I agree it's undervalued.

"when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices".

You've got two roles actually, SAHM and mind reader ;) I think your biggest problem is the interpretations you make about what others think of you, based on what you fear your role says about you. Who really knows what others think but you - can you really distil all of this from a look? You can be more certain of your own thinking or need to have your choices validated. The problem isn't other people's reactions.

And what if the odd person thinks "what does she do all day?" And what if someone thinks "they're neglecting their children" about someone with a full-time job? Does someone else's opinion matter? As the old saying goes, what other people think you is none of your business.

Why would someone be shocked that you look after your own children if they are ill?

You do know that mums who work clock out of their work and then go home to care for their children and do housework?

But working parents have to do all the house stuff and a job.

I’m on maternity leave and it’s absolutely harder than my office job - and i don’t particularly enjoy it so I wouldn’t do it permanently- I’d rather go to work and leave my kids in nursery

im a better parent on the days I do have my kids as a result

i don’t find being at home valuable at all tbh I find im very stressed and tapped out a lot of the time with the demands of the kids and constantly doing chores

Who do you think should thank you?

I've been a SAHM and a full time working mum. It's all hard! They have their differences, and pros and cons, but overall being a parent takes time and effort regardless of whether you stay at home or go out to work. What would be nice is if we didn't all try to out-do eachother over who has it harder.

Exactly.

I’m so annoyed I replied as if this is a genuine post 🎣 lol

my view on this really depends on the age of the kids. if they are in full time education then of course SAH mothers/fathers do less than working mothers/fathers. is that even a debate?

Are you sure people are giving you 'that look' or is that your perception? I have been home with DD for 1.5 years now and I haven't met anybody reacting to me being SAHM in any kind of negative/judging way.

You don’t get annual leave

no neither do I from being a parent 🙄 and working full time

or am I missing something do working parents get annual leave from parenting too how did I not know about this

as pp has said no one cares but it’s tiresome listening to sham’s moaning how hard it is having so many hours to do the boring chores that the majority of us do in far less time

most people do not have cleaners/dog walkers and other paid help around the house mn is not a reflection on our society

I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.
From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant.

You're either being disingenuous or outrightly ridiculous.
Staying at home is valuable, and your partner should value what you're contributing to the family, unless you've unilaterally decided to stay home.

MN mostly encourages women not to give up their financial independence, and especially if you're unmarried or there are no assets to share. You're essentially left up Shit's Creek if the relationship fails, or you're stuck in misery, as you haven't the means to leave.

That being said, I had 13 months at home when I had a baby and it was far easier than having to go back to wor- juggling childcare, work and ALL the tasks you've listed there.

I think you're tasks will take up as much time as you can afford to spend on them. I do the school run twice per day, transport to and from clubs 4 days per week, cleaning, cooking, laundry, emotional labour (teenagers need a lot more emotional support than toddlers - who knew?), appointments etc. All while working full-time. The difference is, I don't have the luxury of stretching this over my 9-5 hours, so I have to be organised to maintain my sanity and have free time. This was as important with a small child as it is with a teenager.

Both jobs are important and valuable, and organisation and structure are your best friends in either capacity. And don't practise martyrdom. It's an exhausting business.

I think you're spouting a load of codology.

WOHMs have to do all of the things you do too, condensed into fewer hours, and when we get annual leave from the paid job, we spend it doing the unpaid one. When we clock out from the paid job at 5pm, we clock into the unpaid one and have to squash into our supposed 'leisure hours' all the things that you can take your time to do while we are working 9-5.

I don't know what you're looking for - a fucking medal???!

Most of us can't hire a "nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant" - catch a grip!! Maybe some of us are just better at multitasking than others?!

This is one of those fake OPs contrived to give posters an opportunity to have the same poxy discussion all over again. It’s been done to death, resurrected and done to death again over and over and over ad nauseum.

Being home is easier because you set your schedule. Up to you if you're full.on childminder mode or more of a potterer. I met up with other mums for coffee, could watch tv programmes, read magazines etc while they were playing.

OP, you’ve reminded me of a cartoon I once saw.

Woman sitting in an armchair, surrounded by mess and chaos, stuff everywhere, children fighting, etc.

At the door, husband evidently just arriving home from work, looking askance.
Bubble from woman’s mouth saying, ‘I thought the best way of showing you what on earth I do all day, was not to do it.’ 😂

Women. Women are undervalued in society as we live in a patriarchy. We really need to stop fighting each other while the men just sit on their arses and talk shit (like your partner, OP) about how easy women have it.
I hope you are independently wealthy OP, if you've sacrificed your financial security and are with a man who doesn't appreciate what you do at all.