AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

“From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant.”

Working mums do all of this plus work.

Hope that helps.

I don’t care if someone is a SAHM at all but I don’t want to fund it. I think people should have as many kids as they can afford. If your partner can afford to look after you all them great.
My DP was a SAHD till our DD started school because I had a career whereas he had a job and it made much more sense for me to go back to work and him to stay at home. However we had one child and left it at one for that reason; we couldn’t have afforded 2. He went back to work when she started school but was always the one who had to be flexible for appointments, illness etc. I’m a teacher so that covered holidays.
I don’t think anyone cares as much as you think until you start saying how hard it is. TBH it’s pretty boring when anyone complains about their life choices.

“I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.”

Working parents don’t get annual leave from being parents. The vast majority don’t have a full staff to support them either.

Comments like the above are exactly why working parents give some SAHM’s (like you) very short shrift indeed.

Be happy with the choice you made for your family and stop expecting a round of applause from anybody else. Nobody cares.

@Devilsmommy I'm a sahm and I definitely think that looking after a baby/toddler all day is alot more work than any paid employment.

My experience was the opposite, staying at home for a year and a half with a baby and then again with a baby and a toddler was significantly easier than working with 2 toddlers. All the other stuff aside from directly entertaining children is still there. All the washing, food shop, making packed lunches, cleaning the house, organising appointments etc is just condensed into less time.

I've been full-time at home parent while on maternity leave and for extended period after.

I've worked part-time with kids in childcare and kids at school.

I work full- time with kids at school.

I don't get to clock off at 5. I am either still working (paid employment) then, travelling back from work to collect a child from wherever, or doing some of the unpaid labour that SAHMs do like cleaning, cooking, helping kids with homework etc.

Of course being a SAHM particularly to young children is hard work. So is being a working parent. Choosing to SAH is exactly that - a choice. If that's what you have made then be happy with it and don't worry what anyone else thinks.

And double ‘mental loads’ if you’re a working mom as you have not just the family issues taking a mental toll but workplace related ones also!

I was technically a SAHM during my maternity leave and it was much easier than being a working mum! Most working mums have all of the mental load at home to deal with as well as the mental load of work - just because someone else takes care of the child during the time you’re at work, doesn’t take any of the mental load away - in fact there’s often more because you have to sort drop offs/pick ups, manage the tax free childcare account, pay the fees, sort out packed lunch and bag etc.

Seriously, that is utter shite.

Yes, someone else is doing the basic minimum of looking after your child, but you do all the admin, all the remembering who needs what for school, supervising homework, activities, buying the school uniform, racing to Tesco at 10pm because they need something stupid for school the next day, etc etc etc and you pack it all into your evenings and weekends.

Are you actually for real, "I'm a sahm and I definitely think that looking after a baby/toddler all day is alot more work than any paid employment." - don't be so bloody wet!!! And please don't have any more children if you think it's that hard work!!!!

People are either jealous, looking down there nose at sahm or that feel guilty they aren't at home with their kids. You do you. I'm sure your kids love having you at home x

I don’t know what you mean. I am acknowledging that the time we are in work we are doing less hands on parenting than at home parents. But we are working the same hours overall as we pick up the parenting and house work when we are home with less time for chores and admin.

Never been a SAHM, but have been on maternity leave twice. Way easier than teaching all day!

I've been both a sahm and a working parent and both are hard in different ways.

Everyone has the same amount of household stuff to do whether they work or not so that's a ridiculous comparison.

Being a sahm is easier because I don't have to rush around, there's no "juggle" and I'm not missing out on anything with my kids. I can do housework when the baby naps instead of in the evening/weekend.

Being a working parent was easier because I didn't have to think about kid stuff 24/7, I got a commute and a lunch break to switch off and drink a coffee in peace and read a book or go for a walk uninterrupted. If I was ill I could take a day off work and actually rest, rather than also look after a child.

100% this!!! It's utterly pathetic!

Make your choice as you will but don't come here moaning about what people think!!!

@HumanbyDesign I completely agree with your post and I can't imagine how tough being a sahm is when you've got a child with additional needs. And it is definitely an underappreciated position to be in

When threads like this come up I always wonder what houses and families are creating a full time working weeks worth of washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking, etc. I am a single parent and work full time and know I do not spend another 7.5 hours a day on those things yet my house is clean and we are all fed and clothed.

Obviously some families will have particular issues to contend with but generally I don't understand how it can be as relentless as some find it.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, women have been saying this FOREVER

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

I think you should focus on bringing up your dc to the best of your ability, and stop worrying about what "society" thinks.

If you really find it that hard anyway OP, why not stop and get a job? Not everyone is suited to being a SAHP and if the world of paid work looks more attractive and easier, why not join?

Not jealous at all, it was never for me. We will be even less jealous when the shit hits the fan and the OP has no income or independence.

Her kids would know no better if someone else was looking after them. They still know who their mum is and as long as they're fed, changed and entertained, small children don't need much more.

I certainly look down my nose at this attitude though and with good reason!!!

Oh yes the parent whose other half is a SAHP is often the person with the easiest life of everyone (although not necessarily the richest).

Unless the person at home isn’t doing what they’ve signed up to do of course - which seems to be the case with some so called SAHDs on here.

That's lovely dear

Yeah and they have been talking nonsense too!

Yawn.

There's one of these or the inverse almost every single day.

Why are you so bothered about what strangers think when it's your own partner, presumed parent to those children that thinks you do nothing? Surely that is of way more importance?

You don't get annual leave, no.

Working parents do, but their children and homes don't magically disappear on annual leave days so I'm not sure what relevance it has?

Likewise you don't get to clock off at 5, no.

Working parents might do... but their children and homes are there when they clock off so they are then in the same situation as you.

So why mention those things as if they are benefits working parents have over an above stay at home parents?

Yes I was somewhat amused by the idea that this thread was novel!