AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

So I actually have a friend who only works 2 days a week who does that, told me her food shop arrives and needs putting away 1 morning when she’s not at work.

Why does she like to do it then? Well, because she spends after school until at least 9pm with her 2 older primary school aged children, driving them around to all of their extra-curricular clubs whilst their Dad is often staying in different cities for several nights for his work.

Even if she didn’t do that, some people think it’s a complete waste of their evening to do it then, when they are tired (whether at home or work aren’t we all tired by the evening?) or during their weekend, when they’d prefer time with their spouse, children and wider family and friends.

Unless you're feeding the Duggars, putting a week's online shop away takes ten minutes, max. She likes doing it that way obviously, and that's fine, but it is so very very far from being a reason she "can't" work on that day.

People get like this in retirement as well - they lose the knack of getting shit done. My DM raised 6 of us while working a demanding highly skilled job, but is now utterly boggled that I could get myself and a DC dressed, breakfasted and out the door in half an hour to meet her. She was so utterly confident that I couldn't make it in that time that she hadn't bothered to get dressed or finish her own breakfast. So why did she specify half an hour?? FUCK KNOWS.

How long does putting away a weekly shop take these people that the options are spend an evening doing it or need a day free from work to do if or can’t do it if they are tired? If we get an online delivery (fortnightly) then it takes me 10 minutes to put it away. The weeks inbetween DH goes in person while DSD does her one hour hobby class. Driving there, dropping DSD off, shopping, collecting DSD again, driving home and putting shopping away takes him around 80-90 minutes.

I think most people agree that not working/ working part time suits some families and if the parent who is working to finance that is agreeable then it’s no one else’s business. if someone is expecting to stay home or work part time funded by the taxpayer, that’s different (excepting of course the cases such as disability rendering someone completely unable to work etc.)

the point with the OP though is that she doesn’t seem happy at home; she feels resentful and undervalued.

I think she does like sorting it all alone TBH, not interrupted, not being talked at whilst doing it, people in and out of her kitchen whilst trying to unpack. It is wonderful to have some time completely alone in your own home 😂 surely everyone secretly like that now and again when we can get away with it? 😂

Yes I do take your point about the literal time it takes to do tasks. Tasks often do take less time that you think.

I think the difference is doing these tasks alone as compared to when everyone else is home also talking at you, needing things, in and out of the rooms you are trying to clean, unpack food in…it’s heaven to do them alone, let’s be honest 😂 which is why I think some hang onto some days off even when their children are school aged…

To be honest I’d have a lot of respect for a SAHP who said “I like peace and quiet alone to do household tasks and my DH/DW can afford to support me so I don’t work because I don’t want to.” It’s honest and not preambled by bullshit about simple tasks taking hours on end and being impossible to do alongside a job. Some people don’t want to work, that’s fine as long as their spouse can suppprt that, but they should own who they are and just say so in my opinion. Where working people tend to get irked is where all the simple things they do AS WELL AS a days work are stated as being a days work!

Working parents should also own aspects where they get a break. My best friend, who is hugely career driven and excellent at her job, is so honest about this IRL. She optionally popped into work straight after Xmas to have a break, use the work gym and have a coffee as she found that far more relaxing than having everyone at home every day over Xmas. She tells it in such a humourous way, I was delighted for her to have escaped 😂

What a ridiculous reply to the PP.

Are you really equating parents who choose to stay at home on benefits and look after their DC, with disabled people, elderly people and those who have just lost their job?

Are you pretending to not understand that the SAHP would be the only one of those with an actual choice?

That’s totally true depending on the job! My DH is in a full time WFH role and he often has built in breaks while waiting for updates or is in teams calls where he can be off camera and just listening so he will talk about how he’s hoovered or started dinner or gone for a run at lunchtime. It’s handy for getting household stuff done! I’m a primary teacher so it’s all a bit alien to me, my job never stops and I work through lunch so I can leave at 3:30/4 to do club/hobby runs. I’m often jealous that he gets more ‘quiet’ in his day than I do!

Back to the original OP- it is under-valued and certainly misunderstood.

The biggest reason it is misunderstood is that people either disbelieve that a SAHP has genuinely chosen to do it and finds it hugely enjoyable and rewarding, or conversely that they haven’t actually chosen to do it and may be trying to change that.

I personally don’t feel valued when adults who don’t know me well ask ‘when will you go back to work?’ I think people are often just curious, and I’m quite open so don’t really mind, it’s more that there’s an underlying assumption that that is where I should be, or where they assume I actually want to be. I’ve had to correct people saying sympathetically ‘childcare is so expensive’ because my decision was nothing to do with that, I could have had free childcare from my Mum or afforded to pay for it.

I really wanted to spend as much time with my own children as possible and really enjoy it! It’s as simple as that. I’d prefer people to ask me what I enjoy about what I do, what me and my children love doing together, how I support their learning and development, which parts I’ve found the most rewarding, as I would have so much to talk about. It’s been especially fascinating for me as an ex-Reception teacher, to witness firsthand all of the learning and developing that takes place day by day until they reach 4-5 (the age I knew best). It’s been liberating to let learning follow its natural, unhurried path without shaking a tidy up bell constantly like in school and disrupting rich exploration and learning. I don’t like that being instantly minimised, there’s nothing I’d rather have spent my time doing.

It doesn’t happen with anything else. So for example, if I meet a new adult and they tell me ‘I work in x job’, I would not instantly ask them ‘and when will you be moving onto x different job’. I would show interest and ask them to tell me more about their job, why they like it, not instantly assume they’d prefer to not be doing it or it was a negative thing, even if it was a job I personally would not want to do.

I know and understand your job well… ex-teacher here, and married to one who’s day mirrors yours…you are working so hard as a teacher parent, huge respect! ☺️

It happens the other way around too.

''Are you going back to work?''
sympathy looks because it's assumed I have to go to work
''Oh, I couldn't leave my child''
etc

of course, none of these comments are aimed at DH.

Hello again,

Yes it does. Having chatted to you before, I actually think you and I are at the more extreme ends of this debate, so actually have a lot in common with feeling misunderstood by others, in slightly different ways. As I’ve mentioned before, I do believe societal approval is currently highest for those who work 2-3 days a week, and that both SAHMs/FT working Mums are judged more harshly.

It’s certainly been horrendous for me, as because of my academic background and prior career success a lot of people are quite frankly baffled 😂 According to one set of stats I’m one of only 4% of SAHPs who’ve chosen it based on higher education level and previous career, so can feel like a lone ranger at times for sure. Like day-to-day I don’t really know anybody doing the same, only 1 friend who now lives miles away.

Having had a career I enjoyed, I do also understand why others are not willing to give up something they enjoy and is important to their sense of themselves, their personal identity (work for me was about doing a job I valued, socialising an making a difference as much as earning money). I support fully IRL my friends who work FT, I’m interested and proud of their achievements.

I can agree with you there. I can definitely relate to others feeling baffled that going part time actually wouldn't be ideal for me or my DC's for many reasons because so many see it as the 'best of both worlds'.

I don’t think it’s about people taking a negative view. It’s probably more a case that we all know as parents ourself what we enjoy about parenting, how our children develop, which aspects are fascinating and so on. Whereas when it comes to work life, we know about our own career but often don’t know a lot about others so that might make it a point of interest IYSWIM.

When my children were little, I’d never have expected other mums to ask me in depth about my children’s development, or what we did at the park etc, whereas they’d sometimes ask about my job because it wasn’t something they had experience of.

I mean, it’s not as though we avoided chatting about the kids, I’m sure we did that as well. But maybe you’re overthinking this because I honestly feel it’s a case of people tending to ask about things where they don’t have first hand experience.

If you have read my reply further down you will see it's not always a choice.
And why say one group of people are entitled to help but not others especially if it isn't a choice to be a SAHP, which it isn't always. What's your view on parents who actually wouldn't make any money if both were working.? Are they not entitled to some help? Childcare is still expensive even with the free hours.

The PP was clearly talking about SAHPs who choose to SAH on benefits.

That's very clearly a choice.

Absolutely. I can appreciate why people prefer to stay FT.

I can only really comment on teaching, but how PT staff are treated really varies by school. At my old school, FT staff were treated far better. I watched friends who are PT being treated as an after thought, being placed in year groups which didn’t best match their skill set, job shares not allowed in certain year groups, prevented from undertaking wider professional opportunities. E.g. as a FT teacher I could mentor trainee students, moderate other schools across the county, etc. but these opportunities were denied to PT teachers. I never understood why they still couldn’t have a trainee, it really upset my friend/colleague. I was very upset on her behalf as it felt unfair.

I actually specifically fed back during an annual EYFS monitoring governor meeting yesterday how excellent my own DD’s current Nursery job share teachers have both been, as quite why this is denied in some schools/year groups still remains a mystery to me. I have genuinely noticed no difference between DS having a FT Nursery teacher and DD having a 2 day/3 day combination 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely. If you just don't want to go to work and can afford not to, good for you. Knock yourself out. Just don't blow smoke up people's arses about how you 'need' whole half days to accomplish ten-minute tasks.

Yes possibly, thanks for your perspective- I am guilty as charged of being an over-thinker generally 😂

My perspective is possibly too specific as an ex-teacher. Some of the negatives within that job were removed doing the best aspects of it with my own. E.g. it got to the point in school that even 15 mins home time session had to be split into 5 mins for Maths target, so just relishing a story and discussion with your class could feel so horribly hurried and rushed through. It is a relief and joy to read a pile of books to my own without clock watching that I truly appreciate.

We were told that sitting in a circle to eat a piece of fruit together was a waste of learning time. They were 4! Some of our best chats happened during that time, many actually needed to be taught how to open fruit, etc. That was often a time of day where a child could confide in me about something massive going on in their lives. So yeah, I now absolutely relish eating and talking with my own without having to justify every minute.

This is quite a niche perspective possibly! 😂

Yes, I can understand that. Nothing beats doing stuff with your own child without having to think about targets. My children are all grown now and luckily there was none of this nonsense when they were in reception class, it was all very child-led and followed on very naturally from home and nursery. I feel sad that children nowadays have this from age 4

Oh I give up. It's not always a bloody choice. There are factors in every family, many of which you won't know about. You don't know if they are making a choice or not

I think it is clear that posters aren’t referring to parents of children with extra needs. There are always cases where a parent needs to be home full time. This isn’t what this thread is about

Yes SAHM is undervalued, especially by the government who does nothing to support you, especially regarding tax, benefits, Nzi contributions etc. However I don't believe it's necessary or advantageous to a parent to do it. I think you are happier and more balanced if you work part-time or study to prepare for the future. I worked, but minimum wage jobs around my kids. I'm 63 and will be working until 67 as I'm personally not able to give up work entirely. Kids grow up and eventually leave and it's really important to have something else. I also think SAHM don't foster independence enough either. Maybe stay home until they are 3. It wasn't for me though.