AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

I’ve no issue with SAHMs however I think k you overlook that working mums don’t “clock off at 5pm” either. We just start shift two.

I get up at six, feed the cat, feed muck out and water the chickens, get DS up for school, make his breakfast, get him off to school, wash up, tidy round, stick some laundry on, then drive to work, work eight hours, come home, do more laundry, cook dinner, wash up, do homework with DS, get stuff ready for school and work the next day, do my cleaning, take DS to clubs and life admin.

I spend my weekends doing the deep cleaning I don’t have the time or energy to do in the week.

You say you don’t get annual leave but surely you understand when working mums get annual leave their children and housework don’t vanish?

In essence working mums do everything you do plus a job. Your life is more intense in terms of childcare but only briefly as they go to school. Working mums lives are more intense with work. Neither is better. It’s not possible to say one is easier or harder as everyone’s situation is different - some jobs are more stressful, some children have additional needs which makes being a SAHM far harder. There is just zero point to this conversation it’s not a competition. Both are valid and everyone’s doing their best

All of the anxiety about SAHM’s seems to come from SAHM’s worrying about what others think about them.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a post of someone criticising SAHM’s as anything of the things you describe.

Of course some SAHMs do more than some working parents. I don't understand how you can't understand this unless you genuinely are unaware of how varied the life of a a working parent and a SAHP can be.

I have had a whole host of jobs in my life and some have quite frankly been relatively easy and low stress. They certainly weren't comparable to the days I spent at home with two difficult and needy young children. Now I run a business and would say that my work is of average difficulty etc and I still think I do less than when I was at home and I had to entertain the kids constantly and was responsible for the endless cycle of clearing up, cleaning and making meals etc. The reality is that when the kids are in childcare or school then a lot of that work magically disappears.

The other thing about being a SAHP is that there is literally no job description so you can have a very low effort SAHP using the same title as someone that is extremely high effort. The two are completely different roles but there isn't really a formal way if recognising this. So when I see people saying 'I do all a SAHP does and work FT' I always think that this is impossible if they are comparing themselves to a high effort SAHP who is devoting way more hours towards their activities at home. You might not value what the SAHP is doing but don't delude yourself that you are doing the same as them and working FT. It just isn't humanly possible!

What validation do you want from society? Working mum's get judged just as much as sahm just the flip side of it, working mum's more so sometimes but there's no happy medium for society but just another way to put everything on women.
However I do find your remarks self indulgent and whining, I've been a sham, part time and full time and personally full time with kids is the hardest as I've everything you described in your post on my plate and a full time job. What you're lacking is a supportive partner. Why isn't he contributing when he comes home? Is he not doing his bit? Are you redirecting your hurt that your partner isn't supporting or appreciating you as a sahm onto society undervaluing you?

You make it sound like working muns don't do all those things as well
I was a sahm while my children were young, so I do know where I'm coming from.
It is a lot harder doing all the mum and house things, and going to work as well, because you have twice the responsibility.

I've had gaps between full time employment because I had savings and lived off those. I'm a sole parent, no maintenance at all. I regarded those gaps as extended holidays as I was just looking after my home and child.

And that's the right answer . Id hate being a SAHM but if others want to be then so what

I agree that all care work is undervalued and that it makes a huge contribution to society that is unacknowledged. It is great for you OP if that’s what you want to do for now and it should be enough for you that you and family value it.

Back in the day I was able to be a SAHM when my children were young and then work part time in a school (low salary though). It fitted in with a husband who did shifts and earned well. Fortunately it worked out for us very well and we loved the balance in our lives.

But nowadays with so very many women not getting married I really would worry about my DDs if they didn’t have jobs with good earning potential as with current property rents/prices they would be utterly vulnerable if left to raise children alone without partner paying their share.

Also I have seen how there can be so much more equality of developing skills, earning capacity, choices, autonomy and security when women can earn their own money and develop careers. It seems the only way to ever move forward with properly sharing raising children, making a good home and caring for the wider family too, This old way of all or nothing doesn’t seem likely to bring about the changes many of us want to see for a fairer society for both men and women where children have strong relationships and times with both equally. What do you think about that last point OP?

But the OP is referring to “clocking off” and “annual leave”, however when parents clock off work or take annual leave it’s to be at home with their children and do all the things OP is whinging about. Women take annual leave to do what OP does on her normal day! So it’s work when she does it but a break when it’s a working parent?

And to be fair a huge amount of the tasks are still there for working parents. All the laundry, organising, mental load, cleaning, homework, making breakfast, making lunches, cleaning from making lunches before leaving the house, organising all the different club days etc. other than the day to day entertaining of a preschooler the other tasks all still need to be done whether you work or not.

This simply isn't true.

It’s is a privilege but I believe it should be a right. Leaving our babies when we don’t want to is horrible.
I’ve been both a Sahm and working mum. Both were hard in different ways. I definitely felt more valued by society as a working mum but as a Sahm I actually had more value, for myself and my children.

🙄

I find it weird when SAHM’s expect to be ‘valued’. There is no value in being a SAHM except for to your own family.

Do you expect society to appreciate and value everything you do that benefits no one expect yourself?

i've worked throughout and brought up 3 kids. Being on maternity leave, compared to working was an absolute doss, even with a new born.

And my kids are all degree educated and well balanced people, in decent jobs and relationships. Personally i think a lot of SAHMs helicopter parent their kids too much and dont teach them resilience/standing on their own two feet/using own initiative.

Do you share the mortgage/rent. Do you split bills and food costs? If so then you are also living off someone else's money.

A lot of working parents don't do it all though. If your children are young and in nursery there's no meal prep X3 a day or clearing up or having to worry about socially, physically and emotionally stimulating your child during nursery or school times.
So in that respect I found some of it easier when I was working rather than being at home.
I'm SAHM again now and I would rather be at work but having two children with SEN (especially one with complex needs) means I can't.
Ignore the snippy comments and leave your partner with the kids on his own for a day and ask him how chilled he is when you get home.

You don’t clock out at 5pm
You don’t get annual leave

Posting stuff like this is not going to get people’s backs up at all is it?

I was a SAHM, wouldn’t dream of thinking of it like this. A
What do you think working parents do after 5pm? Or when on annual leave?

I agree with you. Now you will get people squarking ‘but it’s family money’. I want to set my kids (my daughter especially) a good example and teach that if you want things you have to work for them. Otherwise why doesn’t she just stop trying hard at school now, as she can just hook up with a man who is willing to fund her and live adult life that way!

I don't think that SAHMs (particularly once they have school age children) are doing themselves a favour by claiming they work harder than anyone else.

My observation is that it actually depends on

1. how many children you have
2. whether any children have SEN or are disabled or require additional care
3. whether your children reliably sleep (and so you can sleep)
4. how much support you get from a husband/partner
5. how much support you get from extended family
6. your living environment
7. how much money you have to outsource jobs/spend on going out etc

I found being a SAHM to a toddler and a baby really difficult. But I was only getting about 4 hours broken sleep a night, DS cried a lot, DH worked away a lot and I had no extended family support.
My friend who had 1 three year old that napped for 2 hours in the day, slept consistently for 12 hours overnight and had a day "off" every week while her mum or MIL watched the toddler, had a completely different experience.

A sahp to under fives is like a full time job. With older children obviously it's a bit easier.

It is harder to juggle work and parenting though particularly if you are unable to afford a cleaner, Gardner, nanny etc as so many people are.

But I do feel one income family should be normalised and supported in society.

Also anyone receiving universal credit is also living off someone else's (I.e. the taxpayer's) money if they want to get technical about it. It's amazing how many people flaunt the 'financially independent' card when they are anything but....

Why do you need this validation? We all make choices in life that work for us and make us happy.

this is your choice - own it, who cares what society thinks? There isn’t one big Brain out there judging you. Most people don’t even give it a second thought! I don’t have an opinion on your life. I am sure you are wonderful and work very hard - but to be honest I have enough to think about!

Crack on - live your life - be grateful you have choices!

I don't think anyone is snipey about OP being a SAHP, it's the comments about working parents clocking off at 5pm and having annual leave when of course after 5pm and on annual leave they are parenting.

It reads like an AI post. So many of these lately. They're all about different subjects but all the same style.

The problem is, everything in life has become a competition. And it doesn’t need to be, nobody wins.

It is possible for SAHM’s to struggle, work hard and feel undervalued.
It is possible for working mums to feel that way too.
It is possible for DINK’s to feel that way too, particularly when work expects more than the 9-5 because you don’t have kids, but maybe you have other responsibilities outside of work.
I think a lot of societies problems stem from people spending too much time thinking their lives are the hardest, and trying to knock each other down, rather than supporting each other.